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Don’t know more about your life, of course, but maybe check if your annoyances with your mum were really an unjustifiable, one-side thing. Looking back with my

Don’t know more about your life, of course, but maybe check if your annoyances with your mum were really an unjustifiable, one-side thing. Looking back with my own mother, I came to notice that she was also very difficult to deal with and whilst it would have been nice if I could have been milder in my reactions at times, I try to diminish my guilt, by also seeing myself as a victim of her demeanor.

tombert 5y ago
Not the person you're replying to, but I sympathize with this a bit. My grandmother is very conservative. I'm not talking "voted republican", I'm talking "call black people the N word" and spends all day on Infowars forums. I stopped talking to her when she started being extremely racist towards my wife (who is Mexican) in late 2016. The rest of my family (who don't suck) would just put up with her and roll their eyes at it, until March of last year, when she told my mother that she was a failure because my sister is gay. After that, no one in my family will communicate with my grandmother, and I suspect she's going to die sad and alone, with her only friends being OAN and The Daily Stormer. There's a part of me that feels guilty over that, because at some level I realize she's just a dumb person being dumb and she can't help that, and that maybe I should make an effort to extend the olive branch, but I can't shake the feeling that being nice and talking to her would be inconsiderate to my wife and sister. I don't know the correct path on this, and perhaps more depressingly I'm not 100% sure I'll miss her when she does eventually die.
- laurent92 5y ago
  Lack of social connections make people more …pronounced. Especially in a world where there are actual rivalries, it’s not unreasonable to be angry, and she won’t change, but will be more appeased the more connection she has. As long as you can avoid it being completely toxic for you, which is much harder.
  - tombert 5y ago
    Sure, but why exactly should I be the one reaching out? If she emailed me saying "Yeah I don't know what I was thinking saying all that stuff about gay people and Mexicans, please forgive me", then I'm willing to forgive and forget. But that's not going to happen; if I reach out, it will just be me pretending that she isn't a racist homophobic sack of shit, and if I'm doing that, I'm not completely convinced that that's the superior outcome; a reason that bigotry is allowed to exist is because people turn a blind eye to it. You're right though, everyone avoiding her is just going to push her further down the QAnon rabbit hole, and that's sad.
    - laurent92 5y ago
      I understand it is no pleasure for you and you have no wish to embrace the devil. But in the absence of a helping hand, lonely people rehearse the worst of their history. You can be the one who lends an ear. What would have helped me would have been someone who analyzes the docs with me, to balance what is true from what is not, and who acknowledges the true parts. Here’s my side. I’m seen as Quanon in my former groups of friends despite not being it. The last drop with one is when one died of cancer, and no-one went to see him. He was leftist, of a leftist family with left-to-extreme-left friends from generation to generation, with supposedly human values top to bottom; and if not for me, he would have died almost alone, we wouldn’t have found the “point on the visual keyboard” trick to communicate, he wouldn’t have had the wifi or tv for his last 6 months, etc. I was there the last night, totally randomly (well, I was there 3 times a week) playing him his last song, one he had written with me, and I hadn’t realized the commie died the most beautiful death, going to sleep on his own song, surrounded with his friends. And this guy is not the only example. My daughter has been raped (France, by a migrant of 2nd generation, by the ethnicity everyone is racist about), my cousin killed, they regularly kill gays on the central place of my city, they drag girls for 800m until their bowels are spread on the road, and judges release them every single time: I am right to believe what I believe. At the time I had helped in a lot of charities, I’ve donated 3-5% of my revenue, but my observation is that leftists will hate us no matter what we do to help the poor, and even if I were “part of them” (the progressists), they would have left me die alone like they did for their friend. I’ve left every single group who had these traits, so I’ve left all of them, and my friends are now Quanon-type. You see, from the right, the center-left seem like atrocious people. But I’m genuinely sure you didn’t intend to. I’m sure it’s just ignorance on your side, and I know you say the same thing about me ;) We had the same values at the core, and life just slapped us in different ways. Maybe your mother didn’t actually tell you her history, and/or maybe she needs a punching ball for all she failed at life. It’s hard, really hard to accept being someone’s punching ball. The rational decision would be to refuse, and you’d be right 100% of the times. Or, if you think that diversity is strength, you could get acquainted to her, and maintain the speech despite hating the contents, and accompany her for her last years. I’m not saying I would do it. If you caricature what I’m saying, you could even interview your mother in order to write her biography. You may throw it away if it’s bad, and/or some key events may surface. Again, I’m not saying I would do it.
crossroadsguy 5y ago
Yes it was unjustifiable. I think I was unreasonable. More so I was just an inpatient person. Still working on this.

tombert 5y ago

Not the person you're replying to, but I sympathize with this a bit. My grandmother is very conservative. I'm not talking "voted republican", I'm talking "call black people the N word" and spends all day on Infowars forums. I stopped talking to her when she started being extremely racist towards my wife (who is Mexican) in late 2016. The rest of my family (who don't suck) would just put up with her and roll their eyes at it, until March of last year, when she told my mother that she was a failure because my sister is gay. After that, no one in my family will communicate with my grandmother, and I suspect she's going to die sad and alone, with her only friends being OAN and The Daily Stormer. There's a part of me that feels guilty over that, because at some level I realize she's just a dumb person being dumb and she can't help that, and that maybe I should make an effort to extend the olive branch, but I can't shake the feeling that being nice and talking to her would be inconsiderate to my wife and sister. I don't know the correct path on this, and perhaps more depressingly I'm not 100% sure I'll miss her when she does eventually die.

laurent92 5y ago
Lack of social connections make people more …pronounced. Especially in a world where there are actual rivalries, it’s not unreasonable to be angry, and she won’t change, but will be more appeased the more connection she has. As long as you can avoid it being completely toxic for you, which is much harder.
- tombert 5y ago
  Sure, but why exactly should I be the one reaching out? If she emailed me saying "Yeah I don't know what I was thinking saying all that stuff about gay people and Mexicans, please forgive me", then I'm willing to forgive and forget. But that's not going to happen; if I reach out, it will just be me pretending that she isn't a racist homophobic sack of shit, and if I'm doing that, I'm not completely convinced that that's the superior outcome; a reason that bigotry is allowed to exist is because people turn a blind eye to it. You're right though, everyone avoiding her is just going to push her further down the QAnon rabbit hole, and that's sad.
  - laurent92 5y ago
    I understand it is no pleasure for you and you have no wish to embrace the devil. But in the absence of a helping hand, lonely people rehearse the worst of their history. You can be the one who lends an ear. What would have helped me would have been someone who analyzes the docs with me, to balance what is true from what is not, and who acknowledges the true parts. Here’s my side. I’m seen as Quanon in my former groups of friends despite not being it. The last drop with one is when one died of cancer, and no-one went to see him. He was leftist, of a leftist family with left-to-extreme-left friends from generation to generation, with supposedly human values top to bottom; and if not for me, he would have died almost alone, we wouldn’t have found the “point on the visual keyboard” trick to communicate, he wouldn’t have had the wifi or tv for his last 6 months, etc. I was there the last night, totally randomly (well, I was there 3 times a week) playing him his last song, one he had written with me, and I hadn’t realized the commie died the most beautiful death, going to sleep on his own song, surrounded with his friends. And this guy is not the only example. My daughter has been raped (France, by a migrant of 2nd generation, by the ethnicity everyone is racist about), my cousin killed, they regularly kill gays on the central place of my city, they drag girls for 800m until their bowels are spread on the road, and judges release them every single time: I am right to believe what I believe. At the time I had helped in a lot of charities, I’ve donated 3-5% of my revenue, but my observation is that leftists will hate us no matter what we do to help the poor, and even if I were “part of them” (the progressists), they would have left me die alone like they did for their friend. I’ve left every single group who had these traits, so I’ve left all of them, and my friends are now Quanon-type. You see, from the right, the center-left seem like atrocious people. But I’m genuinely sure you didn’t intend to. I’m sure it’s just ignorance on your side, and I know you say the same thing about me ;) We had the same values at the core, and life just slapped us in different ways. Maybe your mother didn’t actually tell you her history, and/or maybe she needs a punching ball for all she failed at life. It’s hard, really hard to accept being someone’s punching ball. The rational decision would be to refuse, and you’d be right 100% of the times. Or, if you think that diversity is strength, you could get acquainted to her, and maintain the speech despite hating the contents, and accompany her for her last years. I’m not saying I would do it. If you caricature what I’m saying, you could even interview your mother in order to write her biography. You may throw it away if it’s bad, and/or some key events may surface. Again, I’m not saying I would do it.

crossroadsguy 5y ago

Yes it was unjustifiable. I think I was unreasonable. More so I was just an inpatient person. Still working on this.