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I’m sure I’m not the only one that was raised in such an environment. I spent most of my 20s really strongly convinced that I should stay in relationships that

by zwkrt 5y ago

I’m sure I’m not the only one that was raised in such an environment. I spent most of my 20s really strongly convinced that I should stay in relationships that were not healthy and just “slog it out” because that’s what I had as a template. Somehow the maintenance of the relationship takes priority over the fulfillment of either person, like a failed business contract where both parties are losing money but feel contractually obligated to continue. I might go even one step further though and say that your first priority has to be to yourself. Of course if you have children you have to take care of them at whatever cost, but if you aren’t taking care of yourself you’ll never be able to take care of them. And if you’re never true to yourself then you won’t be able to make an authentic relationship. Really the entire nuclear family requires such a high level of emotional intelligence that I’m surprised it works out as often as it does.

gexla 5y ago
I wrote this in another comment. > As I get older, I feel that I have become much more self-aware of problems which appear in my life. While before, they may have been a black-box I push aside, now they are a curiosity I feel compelled to explore. You somehow have to be aware of problems in your life and willing to explore them. Otherwise you stick to your defaults and deal with them with that severely limited tooling which your life path has handed down to you. One small nit pick, I believe emotional intelligence was one of the subjects of the replication crisis. Or maybe it didn't even get that far. It seemed to become a thing by a journalist writing a best selling book off work by psychologists who ultimately decided it might actually not be a thing and moved on. I haven't checked the current state in years, but it looked like a dead end, last I checked.
throwawayboise 5y ago
I'm a parent in such a relationship. The reason people take "vows" (the strongest sort of promise you can make) in marriage is so that they stay together and take care of their children. My wife and I are not divorced, we are both involved parents, and remain friends, but we have not had an intimate relationship in about 15 years. Yes I have had my doubts about whether this was the best example to provide to my children but it seems better than any alternative, given the circumstances. In any event, the children are all grown now, so it is what it is.

by zwkrt 5y ago

gexla 5y ago

I wrote this in another comment. > As I get older, I feel that I have become much more self-aware of problems which appear in my life. While before, they may have been a black-box I push aside, now they are a curiosity I feel compelled to explore. You somehow have to be aware of problems in your life and willing to explore them. Otherwise you stick to your defaults and deal with them with that severely limited tooling which your life path has handed down to you. One small nit pick, I believe emotional intelligence was one of the subjects of the replication crisis. Or maybe it didn't even get that far. It seemed to become a thing by a journalist writing a best selling book off work by psychologists who ultimately decided it might actually not be a thing and moved on. I haven't checked the current state in years, but it looked like a dead end, last I checked.

throwawayboise 5y ago

I'm a parent in such a relationship. The reason people take "vows" (the strongest sort of promise you can make) in marriage is so that they stay together and take care of their children. My wife and I are not divorced, we are both involved parents, and remain friends, but we have not had an intimate relationship in about 15 years. Yes I have had my doubts about whether this was the best example to provide to my children but it seems better than any alternative, given the circumstances. In any event, the children are all grown now, so it is what it is.