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> Once kids enter the picture, they they are the priority. Not giving up the "authentic life" to give your children the "best life" is pure selfishness. Once yo

> Once kids enter the picture, they they are the priority. Not giving up the "authentic life" to give your children the "best life" is pure selfishness. Once you have kids, your life is no longer your own...it's theirs. This mentality is not only wrong, it's extremely unhealthy. Your personal life doesn't end when you become a parent. Parents shouldn't let their children's lives become the all-consuming center of your universe to the exclusion of all things self. This mindset is actually extremely unhealthy for both the parents and the children. It's true that you need to provide attention and love and care to children, but you also need to grant them some space and autonomy as they grow older. Take care of your kids, yes, but take care of yourself too. Everything in life is about balance and moderation. Go too far in any one direction to the neglect of other important things and you're only going to create problems for yourself, no matter how well-intentioned you thought you were.

throwawayboise 5y ago
I don't think any of what you are saying is at odds with GP's comment.
jklinger410 5y ago
Putting your kids first doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself. You are implying that, but no one else is. Of course children need a happy and healthy parent to care for them, so your needs are still included in the mix, in case you were worried about that.
- dijit 5y ago
  The parent of the comment you’re replying to directly states that children come first, the topic is marriage and being in a loving relationship. I have seen a handful of psychologists which claim that happiness of the parents is quite important to happiness of the children, and throwing yourself on the altar of self-sacrifice could be causing more harm than you think. If taking care of yourself means not being in a relationship with someone, but you have children, what’s the priority? That’s always going to be a hard question. Your first sentence is far too dismissive of that. These things are diametrically opposed if they parent of the comment you’re replying to is to be believed.
Broken_Hippo 5y ago
You can't take care of your kids well if you don't take care of yourself. That being said, if there is only enough for one of you to eat... well, the kid eats first and you get leftovers. Taking care of yourself has to work around the child's needs as well, especially when they are young and simply cannot do for themselves.
watwut 5y ago
There is no way for both parents to be "authentic self" while the kid is small. Whether it is one of them working many hours a day whole the other says home or whether it is both juggling work and parenting.Something gotta give. The time you was being "authentic self", whatever it means, is the time that is now spent supervising toddler. Sometimes one of partners remains authentic self and keeps all those self things. And it looks cool until you realize their partner is not getting any "me time" at all or help. And that setup is significantly less cool for partner.
- MrJohz 5y ago
  Sure, but balancing the needs of multiple people is what a relationship is all about, and the idea that you give up on that entirely to focus solely on your children what's being criticised here. Yes, your children will have needs, and yes, you will need to sacrifice some things to help your children, but that doesn't mean that "your life is no longer your own", any more than the sacrifices you make to form a relationship with a partner. To be charitable, I think the original post was more making an argument against complete individualism, and I broadly agree with that in principle: if you live in a community, you will have to deal with compromises between what you want and what other people want. But it's dangerous to push things too far the other way: if you are making all the compromises, and getting nothing that you want, then there is something unhealthy about that relationship. Obviously that plays out differently for relationships between adults, and relationships between parents and their children - you can't sit down with a baby and set clear boundaries! But making time for yourself, and organising things so your needs are met is still important.
Fire-Dragon-DoL 5y ago
I'd like to point out that the natural instinct is to take care of the kids first. Doesn't mean don't take care of yourself, but it does mean that they have a hard priority on everything aside from "bare minimum". This does mean there is a threshold for which most kids'need could be ignored aside from necessities (food, sleep). Can definitely pass on even cuddles at time if cuddling the partner, for example (cuddles are very important, but kids steal most of them)

throwawayboise 5y ago

I don't think any of what you are saying is at odds with GP's comment.

jklinger410 5y ago

Putting your kids first doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself. You are implying that, but no one else is. Of course children need a happy and healthy parent to care for them, so your needs are still included in the mix, in case you were worried about that.

dijit 5y ago
The parent of the comment you’re replying to directly states that children come first, the topic is marriage and being in a loving relationship. I have seen a handful of psychologists which claim that happiness of the parents is quite important to happiness of the children, and throwing yourself on the altar of self-sacrifice could be causing more harm than you think. If taking care of yourself means not being in a relationship with someone, but you have children, what’s the priority? That’s always going to be a hard question. Your first sentence is far too dismissive of that. These things are diametrically opposed if they parent of the comment you’re replying to is to be believed.

Broken_Hippo 5y ago

You can't take care of your kids well if you don't take care of yourself. That being said, if there is only enough for one of you to eat... well, the kid eats first and you get leftovers. Taking care of yourself has to work around the child's needs as well, especially when they are young and simply cannot do for themselves.

watwut 5y ago

There is no way for both parents to be "authentic self" while the kid is small. Whether it is one of them working many hours a day whole the other says home or whether it is both juggling work and parenting.Something gotta give. The time you was being "authentic self", whatever it means, is the time that is now spent supervising toddler. Sometimes one of partners remains authentic self and keeps all those self things. And it looks cool until you realize their partner is not getting any "me time" at all or help. And that setup is significantly less cool for partner.

MrJohz 5y ago
Sure, but balancing the needs of multiple people is what a relationship is all about, and the idea that you give up on that entirely to focus solely on your children what's being criticised here. Yes, your children will have needs, and yes, you will need to sacrifice some things to help your children, but that doesn't mean that "your life is no longer your own", any more than the sacrifices you make to form a relationship with a partner. To be charitable, I think the original post was more making an argument against complete individualism, and I broadly agree with that in principle: if you live in a community, you will have to deal with compromises between what you want and what other people want. But it's dangerous to push things too far the other way: if you are making all the compromises, and getting nothing that you want, then there is something unhealthy about that relationship. Obviously that plays out differently for relationships between adults, and relationships between parents and their children - you can't sit down with a baby and set clear boundaries! But making time for yourself, and organising things so your needs are met is still important.

Fire-Dragon-DoL 5y ago

I'd like to point out that the natural instinct is to take care of the kids first. Doesn't mean don't take care of yourself, but it does mean that they have a hard priority on everything aside from "bare minimum". This does mean there is a threshold for which most kids'need could be ignored aside from necessities (food, sleep). Can definitely pass on even cuddles at time if cuddling the partner, for example (cuddles are very important, but kids steal most of them)