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Having kids is weird. I love them a lot, but I also severely miss my life and relationship with my wife from before I had them.

beardyw 5y ago
Wait till they grow up and leave home. Then you will miss them, and they don't call.
- watwut 5y ago
  You dont get life before kids back when kids grow. Too many years passed in the meantime. The world is not the same. You are older and a lot of activities you have done before are harder. The former friends moved on and you have to build new ones.
  - ip26 5y ago
    Yeah, but you might also realize many of those activities were (unbeknownst to you) essentially performative displays to attract a partner, with little inherent worth.
    - watwut 5y ago
      Might. But very likely won't. And even if they were, it does not matter. You are still need to find the replacement, still need to fill the void. Otherwise you will just sit on sofa depressed and feel pointless.
Arubis 5y ago
I can relate; that said, a confounding factor I’ve been unable to disambiguate is raising young kids _during a pandemic_. How much of the challenge was typical parenting? How much was doing it in a world on fire when it was unsafe for the kids’ grandparents to travel and help out, and mothers’ groups weren’t a thing, etc.? My wife and I just recently had our first no-kids date night since last Father’s Day (just short of a year ago). It was pretty great! The connection is still there. But it was also _surreal_, and I can totally see how couples just lose themselves in the chaos. It worries me sometimes.
- Damogran6 5y ago
  and by 7:15 you’re looking at your watch and one of you comments “I wonder how the kids are doing?”
  - Arubis 5y ago
    Ha! We’re still working up to that—this was “babysitter arrives after the kids are asleep & we’ll go somewhere in walking distance”. Same vibe, though.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
mattgreenrocks 5y ago
One of my childless friends like to say that children ruin everything. They're right, but they also lack the imagination that beyond the wreckage of "everything" (e.g. your former life) is a new life that could be better than the old. It took me a long time to understand that. (I probably had postpartum depression.) What I'd tell my former self is: start doing everything in my life to optimize for my own perceived agency in this new life. I started doing the things that I'd previously delayed for "retirement" now, albeit with much smaller time investments. (Working toward decoupling time from pay.) If there are relationship issues, then start working on those, too. And, for heaven's sake, once the kid can be watched by family/friends, start doing so. Good luck. HTH!
- balfirevic 5y ago
  > They're right, but they also lack the imagination that beyond the wreckage of "everything" (e.g. your former life) is a new life that could be better than the old. It's highly likely that they can imagine it, but realize that it might also be worse and decide that it's not worth the risk for them, since there is no going back.
  - mattgreenrocks 5y ago
    Definitely. It's a huge dice roll. I don't begrudge people for not taking it.

beardyw 5y ago

Wait till they grow up and leave home. Then you will miss them, and they don't call.

watwut 5y ago
You dont get life before kids back when kids grow. Too many years passed in the meantime. The world is not the same. You are older and a lot of activities you have done before are harder. The former friends moved on and you have to build new ones.
- ip26 5y ago
  Yeah, but you might also realize many of those activities were (unbeknownst to you) essentially performative displays to attract a partner, with little inherent worth.
  - watwut 5y ago
    Might. But very likely won't. And even if they were, it does not matter. You are still need to find the replacement, still need to fill the void. Otherwise you will just sit on sofa depressed and feel pointless.

Arubis 5y ago

I can relate; that said, a confounding factor I’ve been unable to disambiguate is raising young kids _during a pandemic_. How much of the challenge was typical parenting? How much was doing it in a world on fire when it was unsafe for the kids’ grandparents to travel and help out, and mothers’ groups weren’t a thing, etc.? My wife and I just recently had our first no-kids date night since last Father’s Day (just short of a year ago). It was pretty great! The connection is still there. But it was also _surreal_, and I can totally see how couples just lose themselves in the chaos. It worries me sometimes.

Damogran6 5y ago
and by 7:15 you’re looking at your watch and one of you comments “I wonder how the kids are doing?”
- Arubis 5y ago
  Ha! We’re still working up to that—this was “babysitter arrives after the kids are asleep & we’ll go somewhere in walking distance”. Same vibe, though.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

mattgreenrocks 5y ago

One of my childless friends like to say that children ruin everything. They're right, but they also lack the imagination that beyond the wreckage of "everything" (e.g. your former life) is a new life that could be better than the old. It took me a long time to understand that. (I probably had postpartum depression.) What I'd tell my former self is: start doing everything in my life to optimize for my own perceived agency in this new life. I started doing the things that I'd previously delayed for "retirement" now, albeit with much smaller time investments. (Working toward decoupling time from pay.) If there are relationship issues, then start working on those, too. And, for heaven's sake, once the kid can be watched by family/friends, start doing so. Good luck. HTH!

balfirevic 5y ago
> They're right, but they also lack the imagination that beyond the wreckage of "everything" (e.g. your former life) is a new life that could be better than the old. It's highly likely that they can imagine it, but realize that it might also be worse and decide that it's not worth the risk for them, since there is no going back.
- mattgreenrocks 5y ago
  Definitely. It's a huge dice roll. I don't begrudge people for not taking it.