4 ms·

See, I'd like the idea of getting that scratch itched, I just don't want to risk -everything-else-we've-built-together on it.

PaulHoule 5y ago
Different people have different experiences. It is very possible your spouse will be 100% cool with it and even experience "compersion" which is taking pleasure in you being happy. (Mine does) She might see this as better than getting nagged about it, dutifully trying to do something and leaving everybody disappointed, or just finding you hard to live with because you're not satisfied. If you look at forums where people talk about poly life though you see there are big variations in the quality of consent. For instance sometimes one partner cheats and then tries to get their spouse to consent with it after the fact. Sometimes one partner asks permission and has a hard time getting it. Sometimes you can get permission in the abstract but when somebody specific comes into focus there is a jealousy problem. I can pass for a "cheating monogamist" because my expectations for a metamour are somewhat like that for having an affair. That is, there is no expectation of a "threesome" and my wife doesn't have to approve anybody, although one of the best experiences I can offer somebody is coming out to my farm where they will probably meet my wife (who teaches people to ride horses) and ideally they get along. Other people have elaborate situations where there is a triad or a pair of couples, a rule you can only sleep over one night a week or other structures that help people feel secure. (Then there are those "unicorn hunters" who are looking for a young hot bi babe and all I can say is I hope that you realize that is not what poly means to me or most poly people.)
- Damogran6 5y ago
  Which all seems like a whole lot more complicated and incindiary compared to taking things to hand…but self-love isn’t as fulfilling. There was a comic, it had two therapists talking to each other, one said “So I suggested they investigate poly”, the other therapist said “Did that work?” And the first therapist said “Ha! Oh GOD no!” I’m paraphrasing, but I suspect in a lot of cases ‘looking outside the marriage’ sets things in motion I really don’t want to set in motion.
- awb 5y ago
  What rules do you have in place about meeting other people in your community or seeing them multiple times? Is your partner not concerned that you might fall in love with someone else?
  - PaulHoule 5y ago
    No rules. My partner and I don't think there is any problem (in terms of being able to do it, practical, moral, etc...) in loving more than one person at a time. There is a limit of how much time and energy that you have to pursue relationships, but if you have a 20 hour a week video game habit you have "time enough to love" a metamour. I have read a lot about it and also done a lot of introspection and found that being attracted or attached to another person doesn't diminish the love I have for my wife at all. It's not like there is a certain amount to go around but you can experience more. Call me a throwback to another place and another time but I have little interest in casual sex but I love that feeling of falling in love, that feeling when you catch eyes with somebody and the next thing you know they sing and invade your personal space and when I am not working on a relationship I am developing my ability to share these feelings with people and give them a really great time as well as patching them into a supportive social network that includes my family.
  - graphpercolator 5y ago
    When I have done this the rule I got was from Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson back in the day. There is no multiple times. Just a one off hook up. Just sex. Multiple times would be a betrayal of trust. We only did it a few times but it was fun for sure.

PaulHoule 5y ago

Different people have different experiences. It is very possible your spouse will be 100% cool with it and even experience "compersion" which is taking pleasure in you being happy. (Mine does) She might see this as better than getting nagged about it, dutifully trying to do something and leaving everybody disappointed, or just finding you hard to live with because you're not satisfied. If you look at forums where people talk about poly life though you see there are big variations in the quality of consent. For instance sometimes one partner cheats and then tries to get their spouse to consent with it after the fact. Sometimes one partner asks permission and has a hard time getting it. Sometimes you can get permission in the abstract but when somebody specific comes into focus there is a jealousy problem. I can pass for a "cheating monogamist" because my expectations for a metamour are somewhat like that for having an affair. That is, there is no expectation of a "threesome" and my wife doesn't have to approve anybody, although one of the best experiences I can offer somebody is coming out to my farm where they will probably meet my wife (who teaches people to ride horses) and ideally they get along. Other people have elaborate situations where there is a triad or a pair of couples, a rule you can only sleep over one night a week or other structures that help people feel secure. (Then there are those "unicorn hunters" who are looking for a young hot bi babe and all I can say is I hope that you realize that is not what poly means to me or most poly people.)

Damogran6 5y ago
Which all seems like a whole lot more complicated and incindiary compared to taking things to hand…but self-love isn’t as fulfilling. There was a comic, it had two therapists talking to each other, one said “So I suggested they investigate poly”, the other therapist said “Did that work?” And the first therapist said “Ha! Oh GOD no!” I’m paraphrasing, but I suspect in a lot of cases ‘looking outside the marriage’ sets things in motion I really don’t want to set in motion.
awb 5y ago
What rules do you have in place about meeting other people in your community or seeing them multiple times? Is your partner not concerned that you might fall in love with someone else?
- PaulHoule 5y ago
  No rules. My partner and I don't think there is any problem (in terms of being able to do it, practical, moral, etc...) in loving more than one person at a time. There is a limit of how much time and energy that you have to pursue relationships, but if you have a 20 hour a week video game habit you have "time enough to love" a metamour. I have read a lot about it and also done a lot of introspection and found that being attracted or attached to another person doesn't diminish the love I have for my wife at all. It's not like there is a certain amount to go around but you can experience more. Call me a throwback to another place and another time but I have little interest in casual sex but I love that feeling of falling in love, that feeling when you catch eyes with somebody and the next thing you know they sing and invade your personal space and when I am not working on a relationship I am developing my ability to share these feelings with people and give them a really great time as well as patching them into a supportive social network that includes my family.
- graphpercolator 5y ago
  When I have done this the rule I got was from Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson back in the day. There is no multiple times. Just a one off hook up. Just sex. Multiple times would be a betrayal of trust. We only did it a few times but it was fun for sure.