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>There are more fundamental issues that need to be addressed first, and your kids will almost certainly get around whatever you're trying to do anyway. I'd bet

>There are more fundamental issues that need to be addressed first, and your kids will almost certainly get around whatever you're trying to do anyway. I'd bet most parents intuitively know this, the problem is nothing they have tried has worked. How have you solved this problem?

dbrueck 5y ago
At the risk of oversimplifying: if you have a problem with something but the kid does not see it as a problem at all, and it doesn't give them much pause that you consider it to be a problem, then that's a problem. :) Any rules you try to enforce will be circumvented, ignored, or hurt your relationship. That doesn't mean you get rid of the rules - you still need to be the parent - but you need to put at least equal focus on coming to a shared understanding of why it's a problem, or building a relationship where they can have some faith that you might be able to see a danger where they don't, or seeing the wisdom in at least temporarily agreeing to some rules that they don't totally "get" yet.
- passivate 5y ago
  You're defining end-states and goals, e.g. - 'focus on coming to a shared understanding of why it's a problem' and 'building a relationship where they can have some faith that you might be able to see a danger where they don't', etc. While that is great, I think the problem parents have is with the steps/process to get there. What works for one child won't work for the other, etc. Like I said, the problem isn't that parents don't know these things, the problem is stuff they're trying isn't working.
  - dbrueck 5y ago
    Hmm... maybe. Since we're generalizing, I'll throw another generalization on the pile. :) Most parents are slow to react to these problems but, once they do react, they want fast results and so they are tempted to reach for actions that are unhelpful or even counterproductive. When parents approach it with a mindset of realistic expectations (especially around timeframes), I think most of them can in fact figure out things that work (where 'work' means 'lead to improvement over time'). There are always some kids who simply don't respond, but speaking generally, I believe most do.
    - passivate 5y ago
      Yes, we can only speak in generalities. Thankfully we aren't automatons, quite yet! :) I'd say we agree on most things here.

dbrueck 5y ago

At the risk of oversimplifying: if you have a problem with something but the kid does not see it as a problem at all, and it doesn't give them much pause that you consider it to be a problem, then that's a problem. :) Any rules you try to enforce will be circumvented, ignored, or hurt your relationship. That doesn't mean you get rid of the rules - you still need to be the parent - but you need to put at least equal focus on coming to a shared understanding of why it's a problem, or building a relationship where they can have some faith that you might be able to see a danger where they don't, or seeing the wisdom in at least temporarily agreeing to some rules that they don't totally "get" yet.

passivate 5y ago
You're defining end-states and goals, e.g. - 'focus on coming to a shared understanding of why it's a problem' and 'building a relationship where they can have some faith that you might be able to see a danger where they don't', etc. While that is great, I think the problem parents have is with the steps/process to get there. What works for one child won't work for the other, etc. Like I said, the problem isn't that parents don't know these things, the problem is stuff they're trying isn't working.
- dbrueck 5y ago
  Hmm... maybe. Since we're generalizing, I'll throw another generalization on the pile. :) Most parents are slow to react to these problems but, once they do react, they want fast results and so they are tempted to reach for actions that are unhelpful or even counterproductive. When parents approach it with a mindset of realistic expectations (especially around timeframes), I think most of them can in fact figure out things that work (where 'work' means 'lead to improvement over time'). There are always some kids who simply don't respond, but speaking generally, I believe most do.
  - passivate 5y ago
    Yes, we can only speak in generalities. Thankfully we aren't automatons, quite yet! :) I'd say we agree on most things here.