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> I lived off-grid for a long time and it probably made me more of an addict. it was the same for me. The first time when I returned back to civilization I wa

> I lived off-grid for a long time and it probably made me more of an addict. it was the same for me. The first time when I returned back to civilization I was overwhelmed by the emotions of being among humans again. Shopping malls, busy side walks, traffic or more than 3 people in a room almost gave me panic attacks. The addict in me said: "you've got so much catching up to do". "surely you earned the right to party a little after all this abstinence?". I've been an addict all life so it would be preposterous to think I could kick the habit within a few months. What it did give me was the confidence to face my own feelings all by myself? Feelings I never faced being sober. My second hike was well planned out and I cut down my drinking and smoking well before I left. Suddenly there was a destination (on the map) I had to reach in very specific time, a level of fitness required, a positive state of mind I wanted to be in much more than a blunt, a scotch or the approval of the opposite sex. Also what contributed was that I gradually replaced quite a number of relationships with more positive ones that supported and believed in me, and who didn't really know or care about the old me. I'll continue to struggle because there is no cure for the human condition. It's not _one_ thing I have to do and some months later it's all different. It's playing the long game and realizing that even if I sometimes lose myself I must get back up.

noduerme 5y ago
Coming back is a shock - I was out for 10 years (not all in the wilderness, but mostly renting in small towns or camping or living in a van in Asia, Europe, Australia). I had the misfortune of coming back to the US a month before Trump won the election. I had the double misfortune of my homecoming flight being to Las Vegas for my brother's bachelor party. The fucking darkness. The recessed lighting, the militarized look of the signs and vehicles. I still remember turning on the TV in the hotel room and listening to this horrible shit pour out of the only channels... things I couldn't imagine ten years earlier. It took a couple years before it sank in and the daily shocks started to numb me. And encumber my mind. But I'd been an alkie on the road, and when the pandemic hit all the worst of that came back. Spent most of the last couple years inside a bottle, with no way out. Nowhere to go. Nowhere you can go. Girlfriend likes to drink, but tells me I should sober up. Girlfriend seems like the reason I drink sometimes, but she's not; just the sense of being trapped. When your only outlet is through a screen, or patio outside the bar with a few neighbors, everything narrows down. I know a guy who just got back from ice climbing in Utah and I think, well, fuck it's too late for me to ever do something like that. I really feel trapped. Hey anyway, thank you for sharing this. It does give me some inspiration. You're the kind of person I hope I run into out there, when or if I do get out there again.
- Cd00d 5y ago
  Hey, good luck. I hear you.
- DyslexicAtheist 5y ago
  I experience this too where I find it hard to motivate myself as I get older. So I stay clear of activities which I used to be my biggest hobbies, either because of fear to my health (snowboarding, ultra marathons, etc) or because my mind ages which is the hardest fight of it all because it all starts with attitude. Spotting that behavior in myself is the hardest thing of all. So easy to see it in my friends but am totally blind to my own idiotic old-man behavior. Thanks nuduerme for the delightful discussion. It's always nice to bump into like-minded "travelers" like yourself :)

noduerme 5y ago

Coming back is a shock - I was out for 10 years (not all in the wilderness, but mostly renting in small towns or camping or living in a van in Asia, Europe, Australia). I had the misfortune of coming back to the US a month before Trump won the election. I had the double misfortune of my homecoming flight being to Las Vegas for my brother's bachelor party. The fucking darkness. The recessed lighting, the militarized look of the signs and vehicles. I still remember turning on the TV in the hotel room and listening to this horrible shit pour out of the only channels... things I couldn't imagine ten years earlier. It took a couple years before it sank in and the daily shocks started to numb me. And encumber my mind. But I'd been an alkie on the road, and when the pandemic hit all the worst of that came back. Spent most of the last couple years inside a bottle, with no way out. Nowhere to go. Nowhere you can go. Girlfriend likes to drink, but tells me I should sober up. Girlfriend seems like the reason I drink sometimes, but she's not; just the sense of being trapped. When your only outlet is through a screen, or patio outside the bar with a few neighbors, everything narrows down. I know a guy who just got back from ice climbing in Utah and I think, well, fuck it's too late for me to ever do something like that. I really feel trapped. Hey anyway, thank you for sharing this. It does give me some inspiration. You're the kind of person I hope I run into out there, when or if I do get out there again.

Cd00d 5y ago
Hey, good luck. I hear you.
DyslexicAtheist 5y ago
I experience this too where I find it hard to motivate myself as I get older. So I stay clear of activities which I used to be my biggest hobbies, either because of fear to my health (snowboarding, ultra marathons, etc) or because my mind ages which is the hardest fight of it all because it all starts with attitude. Spotting that behavior in myself is the hardest thing of all. So easy to see it in my friends but am totally blind to my own idiotic old-man behavior. Thanks nuduerme for the delightful discussion. It's always nice to bump into like-minded "travelers" like yourself :)