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Ask HN: Why does everyone keep suggesting teenagers to get a girlfriend?

18 points by Utkarsh_Mood 5y ago

A lot of the responses on posts asking the community what they would've done differently in their teenage years is to get a girlfriend/get laid. Whats the reasoning behind this? Is it just easier to get one in hs or is there something you learn that you cant later on? Is it really that worth it spending time on asking someone out instead of coding or doing something else cool?

slater 5y ago
human connection?
- Utkarsh_Mood 5y ago
  you can make that with regular friends right? Or is there something im missing
  - slater 5y ago
    sure. but intimate connection (and the lessons learned from that, both good and bad) is a net positive to one's psyche.
    - b0o 5y ago
      This. Exactly this. If you don't get it, that means you just haven't learned it yet. I have several guy friends who keep blaming the girls hes with, sure he's learned, but from what the girls say about him he still has a ways to go.
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gostsamo 5y ago
Avoids objectifying the other gender as an adult. The lack of relationships as a teenager leaves the understanding of girls to stuff like books, movies, bro talk, and let's be honest porn. The resulting mishmash of cliches and stereotypes might turn ugly in later stage or at least hard to get rid of.
cybarDOTlive 5y ago
yes it's easier to get one in highschool when you're young and she hasn't been jaded by 10 guys before you. plus getting comfortable talking to women is something that happens over a long period of exposure. lots of rich well off nerds here have absolutely no charisma and the only women they'll get are gold diggers or foreigners who want a green card, unfortunately. so you have a load of nerd regret.
- cosmodisk 5y ago
  This is correct. Dating when you are 18-25 years old is much much easier for most people. There's less emotional baggage, you don't pay as much attention to many things,etc. Again, I didn't have to date for many years now that I have family,so things may be different with all the Tinders of this world.
- DevKoala 5y ago
  You must develop the social skills early otherwise you’ll eventually become someone whose only value is picking up the tab.
themodelplumber 5y ago
Interest in other people? This is a thing that happens. If you're not interested, no big deal. But it can at least help to understand others, and there are even some really interesting theories on this kind of connective effect. It's worth looking into at least at an academic level at some point, IMO.
johncoltrane 5y ago
Having a girlfriend and pursuing nerdy interests are not mutually exclusive so it is only an OR scenario if you want it that way.
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playing_colours 5y ago
To have a richer, multidimensional perspective on life, learn to respect your partner, communicate better, deal with conflicts. Become less self-centred, learn to both give and receive support, tolerate mutual imperfection.
d--b 5y ago
> A lot of the responses on posts asking the community what they would've done differently in their teenage years is to get a girlfriend/get laid. What? Where?
- Utkarsh_Mood 5y ago
  this one triggered the post, although I've seen a few before https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30367943 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30367943
sytelus 5y ago
You will either chase girlfriend/boyfriend or do something meaningful beyond procreation. For stunningly vast majority of people, they can’t have both. So, choose wisely.
beardyw 5y ago
When I met my wife I knew that it was something very special between us. I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't known what "not so special" was like - which takes time to find out. Married 46 years.
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aristofun 5y ago
Firstly, there is a huge difference between getting laid and getting a girlfriend. Doesn’t make sense to mix these lines of discussion. Secondly, interaction with opposite sex is by default a vital part of our nature. At list our biological nature. And this part has tremendous influence on our decisions and on our life, it’s a part of our identity wether we like it or not. Although it’s not the only part, therefore for some people it’s okay to never have a girlfriend/boyfriend and still have a happy meaningful life. But i guess on forums you see what majority of population has to say.
aaron695 5y ago
> what they would've done differently in their teenage years They are not saying this. They are saying as adults they could go back and easily get laid with teen girls. Freaky Friday style. Or such. You do not have their magic abilities (To pick & code in a teen body) so their advice does not apply to you.
- noodles_nomore 5y ago
  Heads up, you seem to be shadow banned. Happened around here: https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=aaron695&next=28300000 https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=aaron695&next=283000...
  - aaron695 5y ago
    Think of it like a HN subreddit people have to join to read and it's exclusive to post on.
Pinegulf 5y ago
>Is it just easier to get one in hs or is there something you learn that you cant later on? Relationships are partly a matter of skill, which comes with plenty of mistakes and experiments. You can learn later, but it's more difficult. Generally people expect you to be somewhat proficient at courtship. > Is it really that worth it spending time on asking someone out instead of coding or doing something else cool? It's your life. Do whatever you like. That being said, try a lot of things. Who knows what you find satisfactory.
mcv 5y ago
I haven't come across those responses, but I think I would disagree with them. I did not get laid in my teenage years. I didn't even get a date. I didn't get laid until well in my 30s, when I met my wife, and I think that has worked out very well for me. Of course I would have liked a girlfriend when I was that age, but it's not something I would change looking back at that age now. I don't think pressuring teenagers to have sex is a good idea. I don't mean to by puritanical about this, but I've got the feeling that our culture is way too focused on sex, and especially its commoditization and the objectification of people. I think a lot of people would do well to learn some restraint and self-control. Sex is an important part of humanity, but it's not the be-all-end-all. You can also have a fulfilling life without it, or having it later in life. I think the ridiculing of virgin boys/men is particularly harmful. Find out what works for you, and do it responsibly. Know that you're a full and valuable person on your own. You don't need to have a girlfriend in order to be valued. You don't need to have had sex to be a man. Do talk to people, but not with the focus of getting laid. If I would change something about my teenage years, I would have preferred to learn a better programming language than Basic and made more cool stuff.
m33k44 5y ago
This question applies to the west and not to the east. I remember, when I first moved to the west, I was staying with an European family. The husband-wife duo were so tensed for weeks that their 17 year old son did not have a girlfriend! This was new to me. They finally relaxed when he went with a girl for dinner one day :) In the east(at least in India) the saying is "Pehele naukri, phir chokri" meaning, "First job/income, then girl". Almost all parents(and also the society) expects that guys/girls first have decent education and foundation to get a job/income. And then they can think of cuckooing. So, I don't understand where are you getting your signals from when you say "everyone" and who your target audience is.
- mcv 5y ago
  Although I'm European (Dutch), I'm inclined to agree more with the Indian saying than that European family. Of course if one of my sons were to get a girlfriend, I'd welcome her, but in general it's a good idea to get your own life together before committing to a relationship. Average age of marriage here is 30, which I think is a fine age for it. (Of course there's a difference between sex, relationship and marriage, and I'm aware I'm somewhat conflating them in this discussion.)
agent008t 5y ago
Most people here probably spent a lot of time in front of a computer as teens and were not very 'popular'. Now they are relatively materially well off, and wish they could go back and redo their teenage years with their newfound skills/knowledge/wealth. All forms of media also greatly amplify the fear of missing out, having missed out, and makes it seem as if everybody else is/was 'doing it' and having fun. In reality, if they did 'party it up' back then, now they would probably be recommending you do the opposite and dedicate all your efforts to studying. The truth is, no matter what you do, you can and probably will have regrets.
- Utkarsh_Mood 5y ago
  That makes a lot of sense, about the regrets part, do you think that can be minimized at the very least by setting goals? So that you can look back and see that you actively and consciously committed to them.
  - agent008t 5y ago
    Not really. Humans are not designed to be happy and satisfied (and if you are happy and satisfied, why would you be setting any goals?), and they like to ascribe meaning to their dissatisfaction. A lot of times that can result in looking at past decisions with regrets, thinking that you should've done this or that. The fact that we have a very skewed vision of our own past does not help. Recognizing this, being more in the present moment, cultivating equanimity are some of the ways of dealing with it.
    - Utkarsh_Mood 5y ago
      thats a really great way of looking at things, thank you!
- everforward 5y ago
  > makes it seem as if everybody else is/was 'doing it' and having fun. Just to dig into this part, I think media dramatically over-represents how much sex everyone is having, which causes people to think they missed out on a lot more. The average heterosexual person has had sex with 4-6 people (lesbians are about the same, gay men are higher). It's not hard to find a TV show where the characters are above that amount in a month, which I think gives the impression that people are having sex with a lot more people than is really realistic. Likewise, the average age for losing virginity is 17, so it's not uncommon for people to be virgins in college and beyond. That's not to cast aspersions on anyone above or below, but I think it's important to keep in mind that there's a separation between real life and movies about college.
stodor89 5y ago
Yes, it will never again be so easy to find a girlfriend. Yes, it will teach you communication skills that are much harder to develop later on. Yes, in the modern world communication skills are more valuable than tech skills, full stop. Still, generic advice isn't applicable to everyone, so if you honestly find staying home and writing code more in line with your guiding principle than spending time with a girl, then sure, do that instead.
- agent008t 5y ago
  If it was so easy to 'get a girlfriend' in high school, you wouldn't have all these people giving this advice. They are suggesting it precisely because they feel like they missed out themselves.
  - stodor89 5y ago
    You take it for granted in high school. It isn't, which is why this kind of advice shows up so often.
- Utkarsh_Mood 5y ago
  not to sound ignorant, so apologies if I come across like that, but are specific communications skill you learn? I thought you get experienced enough with conversations with teachers, friends and parents haha. Or if you're talking about flirting and taking risks thats unique.
  - fsociety 5y ago
    Read up on attachment theory. Having a healthy relationship with a caregiver is necessary for social and emotional development. Lots of people don’t have that, for various reasons, but having a healthy relationship with a partner can also serve this purpose. Alternatively, therapists can help a little bit with this too, but there is no substitute for healthy intimacy.
edabobojr 5y ago
To practice being in a relationship. To gain a better understanding of what you want in a relationship. It is one thing to have a bad significant other as a teenager, it is totally different to have a bad spouse.
markus_zhang 5y ago
Because it's kinda one shot. You missed it it never came back. Unlike say programming skills you can pick up at any time, teenage love is unique. Plus, getting laid is a soft skill, and it's more difficult to pick up soft skills.
- giantg2 5y ago
  I pretty much agree with this. I think I might generalize it as finding balance between hard skills and soft skills. That said, I don't remember seeing that many comments specifically advising someone to get a girlfriend. I have seen a few posts about guys having trouble finding a girlfriend, or at least one that they have a connect with, now that they are successful and mid-twenties.
deanmoriarty 5y ago
As an accomplished professional in my mid 30s relatively proud of my career and geeky endeavors, the best memories of my life are still, by far, the ones related to hanging out with friends doing silly things, committed relationships, and casual dating, as opposed to hacking on Slackware at 15 or getting excellent grades. I was fortunately doing a bit of all those things, so no major regrets. Casual dating is really easy to experience in high school and college. It can still totally happen later (it did for me), but there will be significant headwinds for many people, both physiological (e.g. balding for many men) and emotional (e.g. just finding people who want to settle down asap because their clock is ticking, rather than fooling around with you for fun). Those early years should be seen, in my opinion, as a unique time to freely experiment with everything you can get away with (clearly not talking about illegal or harmful stuff) rather than squander them laser-focused on becoming a coding wiz kid. You have time for that.
- logicalmonster 5y ago
  > Casual dating is really easy to experience in high school and college. I agree with most of your post, but I would rephrase that sentence significantly. Not everybody is a born Casa Nova and fully comfortable in their own skin during their teenage and young-adult years. "Really easy" does not apply to everybody.
  - sircastor 5y ago
    Maybe more appropriately, it's valuable to point out that socialization (romantic or platonic) is substantially easier in high school and college. We do not appreciate how much harder it is to meet people and form bonds until we've left those spaces.
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leobg 5y ago
Read Frank Harris’s memoir My Life and Loves. It used to be super popular in 1940s Britain. They are just some things you can do as a 16 to 19 year old man that you cannot do anymore later in life. Read the book to find out.