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> One of the most effective engineers I worked with spent her first month here very intentionally taking every single one of her new co-workers out to coffee I

> One of the most effective engineers I worked with spent her first month here very intentionally taking every single one of her new co-workers out to coffee I've heard of companies assigning people to walks. The idea is you go for a 20 minute walk with a random person (until you've gone with everyone), and you're supposed to talk about your job and how its going etc etc. You're also getting a break from the office, some fresh air, and some physical activity.

compiler-guy 5y ago
This would drive me crazy. I get along fine with practically everyone, and do pretty well to be easy to work with, but random twenty minute walks with random coworkers would make me feel trapped and awkward. I’m a terrible conversationalist and if I get paired with someone similar it would be twenty minutes of torture.
- Benjammer 5y ago
  If you have a condition like Asperger's or Autism then I apologize, I don't mean to be insensitive. But, if you have run-of-the-mill social anxiety and/or shyness, then I think time-boxed, scheduled, regular conversations with your co-workers can be just about the best format for practicing your conversation skills that I could think of. I think if you tried to put effort in, you might be able to make more progress than you think you can. Think of it like any other skill you need to practice and develop for work. This isn't a purely social situation, you don't need to be best friends with these people. It's just about practicing your ability to pretend to be a socially confident person in business settings when called for. And to learn about your co-workers personalities so that you can be a more effective and empathetic teammate.
  - compiler-guy 5y ago
    Sure, it's possible that if I put in the effort and practiced I could get better at conversation, and this might be a good venue for doing it. But if I put in the effort, I could also be a much better artist. Or a much better cook, and there are plenty of venues that would be good for it. I get along fine with my coworkers. In all the horrible peer-judging that goes on in Google performance reviews, "Hard to work with" almost never comes up for me. Nor does, "doesn't know what is going on". Nor does, "I wish they would be more socially confident." I get along just fine. But enforced social time with people who I'm not doing projects with? No thanks. I'll do my job, communicate about my job in the standups and whatever normal checkins we have. Fortunately, my skills are in high enough demand that if a role puts more social demands on me, I can just bail for another team or company. It's nice that way.
    - Benjammer 5y ago
      You do you man, but this idea of "I get paid to code, and I only do enough emotional labor to get my code merged and not get dinged on perf reviews," leads to a lot of the issues I have with working in big tech, personally. Maybe that's just me though.
      - compiler-guy 5y ago
        Don't confuse "Hates hanging out in forced one-on-one social situations" with "Only does enough emotional labor to get code merged and not get dinged on perf reviews." They are different things. I help people who need help, comment on design docs, and wish people happy birthday, have a good vacation and whatnot. Required strolling with random people or going to lunch is not the same thing. You do you too. If you love those things, great! Not everyone does.
        Benjammer 5y ago
        I think you might benefit from examining how bias can take over when you only do emotional labor on an ad-hoc, unplanned, unstructured basis.
        compiler-guy 5y ago
        I don't believe that forced one-on-one conversations are the only way to accomplish this. You should consider how assuming, "Everyone works like I do, and can benefit from the same things I like" may be biasing you against people who don't think or act like you, or are not emotionally rewarded by the same things you are. Don't know how many different firms you have worked for, or how many different groups you are in, but I have worked in enough different positions with enough different teams in enough different roles to know that this style works awfully well for me. And given the various successful projects I've been a part of (not all, of course), I'm reasonably sure that this style hasn't held me or the teams back.
        Benjammer 5y ago
jmoreno94 5y ago
I would quit. That's so infantilizing. We're adults we don't need these hand holdy forced "team building" ice breakers. Just let us work together and I promise we'll get to know each other as much as we need to to get the job done.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- csours 5y ago
  Are recurring manager 1x1s also infantilizing?
  - odshoifsdhfs 5y ago
    Yes. A million times yes. I have talked about this before here, but I don't really understand this idea companies have about promoting/demanding social things at work, or having a dedicated 1:1 block with managers. Are developers so social awkward that you need to have someone higher up blocking time for you to talk with people/managers? Whenever I have an issue with my work/company I just do a 'hey, when do you have 5 minutes, need to have a chat about something' message and then talk with the manager/person about it. These 5 minutes chats have been as small as 'want to spend some time with my kid so will take a couple long weekends' to 'i am not a good fit for this company, so I will be resigning by end of day'. Never had to have it scheduled like I am a fucking 5 year old that needs an adult to time box his life.
    - paulryanrogers 5y ago
      As I understand it the scheduled 1:1s can provide a release valve for employees who get so focused and heads down they neglect interpersonal relationships or concerns. They're meant to avoid the problem of emotions being bottled up too long then exploding. Can also help to batch concerns so there aren't constant interruptions for minor things that can be addressed later. Obviously it's not a perfect approach as one cannot force candor or trust, and frequency must be tuned to the needs of everyone involved.
- 5y ago
tylerjdurden 5y ago
Contrary to some of the negative replies this comment is receiving, just wanted to add that I've had new coworkers do this very thing to introduce themselves to me, and I found it a great way to get to know someone new and develop a nice working relationship with them.
- dvtrn 5y ago
  I had a job once that put new employees through a scavenger hunt that took us all over HQ. The secret benefit of it was not only to get to know people, but you had specific onboarding tasks to do that would also serve as a way of getting introduced to people. "Go meet Jake on the 3rd floor". Some you had to do in sequential order, but other than that, we were turned loose to roam the halls, take the elevator/stairs and solve the hunt in whatever order we wanted over the course of about a week. Turns out, Jake is the person who also handles payroll and direct deposit. You'd stop by, do your payroll stuff, have a little "getting to know you chat", he'd put his initials next to his spot on your scavenger hunt sheet, and give you a clue to how to find the next name or hunt item on the list. All of them directly related to something you would have had to do anyway to get 'onboarded' as a new employee. It was fun, it was engaging, but it was also highly useful and germane to the usually boring tasks of "fill out this form to get paid, now fill out this one to get insurance, now this one for..."
Benjammer 5y ago
I've worked at multiple places that implemented weekly "Donut Buddies" (https://www.donut.com/ https://www.donut.com/) and I think it's amazing. It never felt forced, let alone "infantilizing." The truly socially anxious people could just opt out by leaving the Slack channel for it so they wouldn't be assigned a buddy anymore. I found it amazing for building relationships around the company. I'm at a tiny startup right now as an engineer, not mgr, and I have weekly 1:1s with every other member of our team. Especially now during remote work, it's a godsend for getting to know teammates.

compiler-guy 5y ago

This would drive me crazy. I get along fine with practically everyone, and do pretty well to be easy to work with, but random twenty minute walks with random coworkers would make me feel trapped and awkward. I’m a terrible conversationalist and if I get paired with someone similar it would be twenty minutes of torture.

Benjammer 5y ago
If you have a condition like Asperger's or Autism then I apologize, I don't mean to be insensitive. But, if you have run-of-the-mill social anxiety and/or shyness, then I think time-boxed, scheduled, regular conversations with your co-workers can be just about the best format for practicing your conversation skills that I could think of. I think if you tried to put effort in, you might be able to make more progress than you think you can. Think of it like any other skill you need to practice and develop for work. This isn't a purely social situation, you don't need to be best friends with these people. It's just about practicing your ability to pretend to be a socially confident person in business settings when called for. And to learn about your co-workers personalities so that you can be a more effective and empathetic teammate.
- compiler-guy 5y ago
  Sure, it's possible that if I put in the effort and practiced I could get better at conversation, and this might be a good venue for doing it. But if I put in the effort, I could also be a much better artist. Or a much better cook, and there are plenty of venues that would be good for it. I get along fine with my coworkers. In all the horrible peer-judging that goes on in Google performance reviews, "Hard to work with" almost never comes up for me. Nor does, "doesn't know what is going on". Nor does, "I wish they would be more socially confident." I get along just fine. But enforced social time with people who I'm not doing projects with? No thanks. I'll do my job, communicate about my job in the standups and whatever normal checkins we have. Fortunately, my skills are in high enough demand that if a role puts more social demands on me, I can just bail for another team or company. It's nice that way.
  - Benjammer 5y ago
    You do you man, but this idea of "I get paid to code, and I only do enough emotional labor to get my code merged and not get dinged on perf reviews," leads to a lot of the issues I have with working in big tech, personally. Maybe that's just me though.
    - compiler-guy 5y ago
      Don't confuse "Hates hanging out in forced one-on-one social situations" with "Only does enough emotional labor to get code merged and not get dinged on perf reviews." They are different things. I help people who need help, comment on design docs, and wish people happy birthday, have a good vacation and whatnot. Required strolling with random people or going to lunch is not the same thing. You do you too. If you love those things, great! Not everyone does.
      - Benjammer 5y ago
        I think you might benefit from examining how bias can take over when you only do emotional labor on an ad-hoc, unplanned, unstructured basis.
        compiler-guy 5y ago
        I don't believe that forced one-on-one conversations are the only way to accomplish this. You should consider how assuming, "Everyone works like I do, and can benefit from the same things I like" may be biasing you against people who don't think or act like you, or are not emotionally rewarded by the same things you are. Don't know how many different firms you have worked for, or how many different groups you are in, but I have worked in enough different positions with enough different teams in enough different roles to know that this style works awfully well for me. And given the various successful projects I've been a part of (not all, of course), I'm reasonably sure that this style hasn't held me or the teams back.
        Benjammer 5y ago

jmoreno94 5y ago

I would quit. That's so infantilizing. We're adults we don't need these hand holdy forced "team building" ice breakers. Just let us work together and I promise we'll get to know each other as much as we need to to get the job done.

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
csours 5y ago
Are recurring manager 1x1s also infantilizing?
- odshoifsdhfs 5y ago
  Yes. A million times yes. I have talked about this before here, but I don't really understand this idea companies have about promoting/demanding social things at work, or having a dedicated 1:1 block with managers. Are developers so social awkward that you need to have someone higher up blocking time for you to talk with people/managers? Whenever I have an issue with my work/company I just do a 'hey, when do you have 5 minutes, need to have a chat about something' message and then talk with the manager/person about it. These 5 minutes chats have been as small as 'want to spend some time with my kid so will take a couple long weekends' to 'i am not a good fit for this company, so I will be resigning by end of day'. Never had to have it scheduled like I am a fucking 5 year old that needs an adult to time box his life.
  - paulryanrogers 5y ago
    As I understand it the scheduled 1:1s can provide a release valve for employees who get so focused and heads down they neglect interpersonal relationships or concerns. They're meant to avoid the problem of emotions being bottled up too long then exploding. Can also help to batch concerns so there aren't constant interruptions for minor things that can be addressed later. Obviously it's not a perfect approach as one cannot force candor or trust, and frequency must be tuned to the needs of everyone involved.
5y ago

tylerjdurden 5y ago

Contrary to some of the negative replies this comment is receiving, just wanted to add that I've had new coworkers do this very thing to introduce themselves to me, and I found it a great way to get to know someone new and develop a nice working relationship with them.

dvtrn 5y ago
I had a job once that put new employees through a scavenger hunt that took us all over HQ. The secret benefit of it was not only to get to know people, but you had specific onboarding tasks to do that would also serve as a way of getting introduced to people. "Go meet Jake on the 3rd floor". Some you had to do in sequential order, but other than that, we were turned loose to roam the halls, take the elevator/stairs and solve the hunt in whatever order we wanted over the course of about a week. Turns out, Jake is the person who also handles payroll and direct deposit. You'd stop by, do your payroll stuff, have a little "getting to know you chat", he'd put his initials next to his spot on your scavenger hunt sheet, and give you a clue to how to find the next name or hunt item on the list. All of them directly related to something you would have had to do anyway to get 'onboarded' as a new employee. It was fun, it was engaging, but it was also highly useful and germane to the usually boring tasks of "fill out this form to get paid, now fill out this one to get insurance, now this one for..."

Benjammer 5y ago

I've worked at multiple places that implemented weekly "Donut Buddies" (https://www.donut.com/ https://www.donut.com/) and I think it's amazing. It never felt forced, let alone "infantilizing." The truly socially anxious people could just opt out by leaving the Slack channel for it so they wouldn't be assigned a buddy anymore. I found it amazing for building relationships around the company. I'm at a tiny startup right now as an engineer, not mgr, and I have weekly 1:1s with every other member of our team. Especially now during remote work, it's a godsend for getting to know teammates.