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> We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. That's me. that's why my friends are the ones who contact me. they are my reminder. if I start contactin

> We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. That's me. that's why my friends are the ones who contact me. they are my reminder. if I start contacting them now, they would think I am going to die soon. > I see what this person is doing as a way to remove the friction and create a new habit It doesn't work like that though. It's not like using an alarm to wake up at a certain hour and suddenly you realize your sleep cycle has adapted, what this person is doing is more like a grocery list, you'll never stop needing one, if you needed one in the first place. Moreover, the simple fact that people are in different lists and lists have to be maintained and updated, it makes it more like a job than a habit.

watwut 5y ago
The reality check is that people who do proactively contact others need to put effort into it. And if you are not willing to reciprocate, eventually they figure out it is not fair to them. They tend to eventually gravitate toward those that do put effort into it too.
stavros 5y ago
I have a friend like that. Whenever we meet we have fun, but she never contacts me. She tells me that's just how she is with everyone, and that she really likes hanging out, she just doesn't initiate, which is fair, but it still feels like she doesn't value me, no matter how much I logically know otherwise. These days I try to override the feeling and initiate first, because I know that she really does want to hang out, but the feeling is deeply ingrained and hard to shake. What I'm basically saying is that maybe you should try a bit more, because this way has certainly lost you a few friends over the years. Maybe it works for you, though, no judgment.
pirate787 5y ago
You are rationalizing your selfishness and laziness. Relationships are a two-way street.
- peoplefromibiza 5y ago
  I think you deserve an answer, even if people are downvoting you: I guess you are not completely aware that you just said that my friends are stupid because they accept to be mistreated by someone who's selfish an lazy. But guess what, friendship in not only a two way street, it's also usually a non overlapping set of different personalities. A friend is that person that has those qualities you miss, that kinda completes you, and vice versa. And is that person that accepts you for being you, exactly you, not some imaginary version of you. What I miss in something, I compensate with something else that my friends miss. Easy as that. Rest assured that if they wanted me to call them more, they'd tell me. p.s. If you don't accept as a friend someone who doesn't call you as often as you do, you have a simple choice: find people like you. My friends don't mind and after almost 30 years, I don't think they will suddenly start.
skinkestek 5y ago
I called my best friend this January, because I hadn't spoken to him in months or years. I decided to do it. It didn't come naturally. He was happy I called. I don't know next time we'll call because none of us are the kind who does call for no good reason (maybe a reason why we like each other ; - )

watwut 5y ago

The reality check is that people who do proactively contact others need to put effort into it. And if you are not willing to reciprocate, eventually they figure out it is not fair to them. They tend to eventually gravitate toward those that do put effort into it too.

stavros 5y ago

I have a friend like that. Whenever we meet we have fun, but she never contacts me. She tells me that's just how she is with everyone, and that she really likes hanging out, she just doesn't initiate, which is fair, but it still feels like she doesn't value me, no matter how much I logically know otherwise. These days I try to override the feeling and initiate first, because I know that she really does want to hang out, but the feeling is deeply ingrained and hard to shake. What I'm basically saying is that maybe you should try a bit more, because this way has certainly lost you a few friends over the years. Maybe it works for you, though, no judgment.

pirate787 5y ago

You are rationalizing your selfishness and laziness. Relationships are a two-way street.

peoplefromibiza 5y ago
I think you deserve an answer, even if people are downvoting you: I guess you are not completely aware that you just said that my friends are stupid because they accept to be mistreated by someone who's selfish an lazy. But guess what, friendship in not only a two way street, it's also usually a non overlapping set of different personalities. A friend is that person that has those qualities you miss, that kinda completes you, and vice versa. And is that person that accepts you for being you, exactly you, not some imaginary version of you. What I miss in something, I compensate with something else that my friends miss. Easy as that. Rest assured that if they wanted me to call them more, they'd tell me. p.s. If you don't accept as a friend someone who doesn't call you as often as you do, you have a simple choice: find people like you. My friends don't mind and after almost 30 years, I don't think they will suddenly start.

skinkestek 5y ago

I called my best friend this January, because I hadn't spoken to him in months or years. I decided to do it. It didn't come naturally. He was happy I called. I don't know next time we'll call because none of us are the kind who does call for no good reason (maybe a reason why we like each other ; - )