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"if you cared, you'd remember" glad you have this experience, i dont think all of us do. i care deeply but seem to forget people exist and that makes me sad an

"if you cared, you'd remember" glad you have this experience, i dont think all of us do. i care deeply but seem to forget people exist and that makes me sad and dislike myself. i wish i could just remember. id still have so many friends if i did.

dgb23 5y ago
Similarly I often think of my friends plus wider circle, but I‘m terribly unorganized except I make a conscious effort. That means writing things down, set reminders and so on. Love and organization of social life are orthogonal.
- pell 5y ago
  >but I‘m terribly unorganized I really should call XY is such a common thought that fades away a second later. Even if it's someone I am really fond of. If they're not in my immediate circle, it's going to be additional work to keep that relationship alive. Putting it on my calendar or as a reminder actually makes me reach out to that person. Win-win. If anything, this shows me _caring_ about someone. Many of these conversations with the people I have in mind often start where we left off too - no matter how many weeks or months in between - which makes me think this all is not about a lack of connection.
  - p_l 5y ago
    This reminds me of anecdotes from... Time Management for System Administrators, by Tom Limoncelli. He talks exactly about "Won't people think I don't care if I have to write it down in a diary?" and mentions how, at least in his experience when reaching for diary for everything, people actually reacted positively - the extra effort of ensuring a note was made, calendar appointment created, schedule arranged made them feel that he was willing to spend some effort on them, instead of just doing the minimum.
  - Talanes 5y ago
    > I really should call XY is such a common thought that fades away a second later. This is exactly right. I am constantly thinking of people that I should get in touch with, but never at a time that would actually be appropriate to do so. It'll be the random work-day thought that disappears by the time I'm done, or it will be sometime unreasonably late.
MrYellowP 5y ago
Well, then ... why did you forget, when you (believe you've) actually cared?
- Juliate 5y ago
  Well, life? Just managing your own home requires a lot of organisation, and even if you do care, you will have a hard time to cope for long without some tools to help you (calendars, notes, schedules, only to name those). Unless someone does it for you. Or unless you live a very simple life that can fit in your head all the time, of course. Likewise, seeing your friends fading away, not responding to you might be because they've just forgotten you, or don't want to see you anymore, or they are just drowning in their own life. And maybe with time they will cope/react differently, maybe not. Considering that friendship/care only can be spontaneous and not prepared/provisional, this is disingenuous and borderline toxic (to both you and others).
- yreg 5y ago
  This reads a bit like asking a depressed person why they don't just stop being sad.
- ghusbands 5y ago
  There's poor memory, depression, ADHD, low-level addiction, social anxiety, poor memory and a great number of other things that can keep one from contacting friends. There are many people in this thread who clearly do care and have trouble doing/remembering, so I'm not sure why you'd choose to respond this way to someone you're more likely to hurt.
  - Cederfjard 5y ago
    Yeah, it's seems like poor empathy or a lack of imagination or life experience to not be able to conceive how people can forget things they care about. We'd all do well to remember that any given thing that's easy for us might be difficult for someone else, and not necessarily through some personal failing on their part. Also, I see what you did there. :)
- koonsolo 5y ago
Milner08 5y ago
You're not the only one bro. I am pretty sure its not just us two either. Dont feel too hard on your self, but use that energy towards staying in contact. Write a list of people to talk to, etc.

dgb23 5y ago

Similarly I often think of my friends plus wider circle, but I‘m terribly unorganized except I make a conscious effort. That means writing things down, set reminders and so on. Love and organization of social life are orthogonal.

pell 5y ago
>but I‘m terribly unorganized I really should call XY is such a common thought that fades away a second later. Even if it's someone I am really fond of. If they're not in my immediate circle, it's going to be additional work to keep that relationship alive. Putting it on my calendar or as a reminder actually makes me reach out to that person. Win-win. If anything, this shows me _caring_ about someone. Many of these conversations with the people I have in mind often start where we left off too - no matter how many weeks or months in between - which makes me think this all is not about a lack of connection.
- p_l 5y ago
  This reminds me of anecdotes from... Time Management for System Administrators, by Tom Limoncelli. He talks exactly about "Won't people think I don't care if I have to write it down in a diary?" and mentions how, at least in his experience when reaching for diary for everything, people actually reacted positively - the extra effort of ensuring a note was made, calendar appointment created, schedule arranged made them feel that he was willing to spend some effort on them, instead of just doing the minimum.
- Talanes 5y ago
  > I really should call XY is such a common thought that fades away a second later. This is exactly right. I am constantly thinking of people that I should get in touch with, but never at a time that would actually be appropriate to do so. It'll be the random work-day thought that disappears by the time I'm done, or it will be sometime unreasonably late.

MrYellowP 5y ago

Well, then ... why did you forget, when you (believe you've) actually cared?

Juliate 5y ago
Well, life? Just managing your own home requires a lot of organisation, and even if you do care, you will have a hard time to cope for long without some tools to help you (calendars, notes, schedules, only to name those). Unless someone does it for you. Or unless you live a very simple life that can fit in your head all the time, of course. Likewise, seeing your friends fading away, not responding to you might be because they've just forgotten you, or don't want to see you anymore, or they are just drowning in their own life. And maybe with time they will cope/react differently, maybe not. Considering that friendship/care only can be spontaneous and not prepared/provisional, this is disingenuous and borderline toxic (to both you and others).
yreg 5y ago
This reads a bit like asking a depressed person why they don't just stop being sad.
ghusbands 5y ago
There's poor memory, depression, ADHD, low-level addiction, social anxiety, poor memory and a great number of other things that can keep one from contacting friends. There are many people in this thread who clearly do care and have trouble doing/remembering, so I'm not sure why you'd choose to respond this way to someone you're more likely to hurt.
- Cederfjard 5y ago
  Yeah, it's seems like poor empathy or a lack of imagination or life experience to not be able to conceive how people can forget things they care about. We'd all do well to remember that any given thing that's easy for us might be difficult for someone else, and not necessarily through some personal failing on their part. Also, I see what you did there. :)
koonsolo 5y ago

Milner08 5y ago

You're not the only one bro. I am pretty sure its not just us two either. Dont feel too hard on your self, but use that energy towards staying in contact. Write a list of people to talk to, etc.