This is what https://darklang https://darklang is intended to be. I think in fairness it's not there yet (and it's also a service, so not what you want), but it

This is what https://darklang https://darklang is intended to be. I think in fairness it's not there yet (and it's also a service, so not what you want), but it's certainly fully integrated and doesn't need DBs, external SaaSes, devops, cloud expertise, etc.