This feels a little close to home, although in different ways. I can't say I feel exactly the same. I had a good home growing up mostly (although suffered abus

This feels a little close to home, although in different ways. I can't say I feel exactly the same. I had a good home growing up mostly (although suffered abuse by those outside the home, in the sense that people went to prison), good family, and have done well in some fundamental ways. But later in my career I ran into some serious problems working in a pretty bad place, and people (friends, colleagues, family) blew me off when I was basically pleading for help (mostly because I had been doing so well before then and I think they figured I had nothing to worry about?). The short version is that the environment became abusive and dysfunctional (I see reports of similar institutions' management getting fired very publicly for behaving the same way) and I probably didn't respond to it well. I could get into ways in which I would have responded differently now, but part of my conflict is I'm not sure if it would have actually been better. I see my friends in places they probably should be, doing well, and know I could be in the same sort of places but screwed up, not taking advantages I had. I end up feeling like a failure for not doing things that now seem obvious in hindsight, but also am kind of aware of the circumstances and how different they were from those of people I know, and know some of them would have reacted the same. Most of the time I go back and forth between being hating myself, angry at others for not being helpful at a critical time, angry at society for being so superficial in not recognizing these things, and not being more understanding and seeing potential with second chances. I have trouble sleeping most nights because of it. I'm not sure I have a lot of advice to offer because I feel lost myself. But you're not alone. I do think it's worthwhile to think about what you would have liked to do and why, and to figure out what steps it would take to happen. Even if you can reclaim some part of that, wouldn't that be better? Start another degree, or reach out to some researchers to see if they need help, or write that book or start the blog, or make a prototype app or whatever it is. I have no idea because I don't know what it is you'd want. I do think it's important not to get into the success trap. I know some people who are objectively very successful at what they do, but who have been very unhappy personally, or who got there through questionable means. Part of my current circumstance is because I was tired of the corruption around me, and wanted out. So it's better to think about what you would like to be different, what would bring you reward, rather than what would bring you success per se. I think people can be kind of cliched about that and unhelpful, as if success shouldn't matter, and that's not necessarily what I mean. I just mean I think it's as important to think about what you would like to be spending your time doing as it is to think about achievements. I don't know. I wish I had answers myself. Life is more unfair than society recognizes, and I'm tired of people who say that being treated as if it's just sour grapes. People get a raw deal sometimes, period.