4 ms·

I'm a white straight male, grew up middle class near Seattle. I'm now in my mid-30s and have 3 kids. Semi-recently I had an (maybe my first?) experience where I

I'm a white straight male, grew up middle class near Seattle. I'm now in my mid-30s and have 3 kids. Semi-recently I had an (maybe my first?) experience where I wasn't the favored party in a situation. My kids have made focus more difficult, and I work in an industry (tech consulting) where focus is a big deal, and the idea that I'm not the perfect person for the job was a foreign feeling. I no longer felt "I was made for this" or "I'm perfect for this". While I hate that things are getting worse for anyone (and want to fix it!), these findings are good reminders for me that almost everyone else has dealt with similar circumstances much more often than I have. Often the cause is out of their control and that they are just trying to make the best of it, with varying results. It gives me good perspective and reminds me that peoples choices / actions include inputs that I'm not exposed to. That all being said I hope we can find a way to make these situations less common for everyone. I'd settle for quick fixes (adjust taxes, better welfare, etc.), but I'm excited for the societal changes that I hope are the eventual long-term fix.

marcellus23 5y ago
> Semi-recently I had an (maybe my first?) experience where I wasn't the favored party in a situation You're mid-30s and you might have just experienced your first thing like that? Man or woman, that's hard to believe. And more importantly, I'm not sure your experience can be generalized to all men. As someone who has experienced situations like that frequently, and knows other men who have, it's a bit frustrating to see the implication that we all feel like "we're perfect for this" or "we're made for this" all the time.
- uoaei 5y ago
  Yours is an argument of kind in reply to an argument of degree.
  - marcellus23 5y ago
    The degree is irrelevant. I don't doubt that men have privilege — but the "but women have it worse!" comment often shows up on articles like these, and since it's just whataboutism, it feels like it's suggesting that we shouldn't care about these issues. Shouldn't we care about how society is treating people, no matter who they are, instead of getting into a pissing contest about who society is _really_ screwing over the most? Not to mention, frankly, it's ridiculous to imply that a 35-year old male software engineer's experience is at all representative of that of the average male (who is far, far worse off).
    - y-c-o-m-b 5y ago
      > Shouldn't we care about how society is treating people, no matter who they are, instead of getting into a pissing contest about who society is _really_ screwing over the most? This is a great point that often gets overlooked in discussions around gender, race, sexuality, class, or any other issue surrounding equality. I think people often hone in on the latter and it becomes counter-productive to fixing these issues. Thanks for bringing it up.
    - deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
    - joshuamorton 5y ago
      > but the "but women have it worse!" You're jumping to a bit of a conclusion here. Most people seem to be reading this comment as re recognition that this particular guy is privileged compared to most people, not a blanket argument that women have it worse. Consider why you reacted so defensively to such an anodyne self-reflection.
      - Gwarzo 5y ago
        He's not jumping to a conclusion, and I would suggest you add to the arguments instead of patronizing.
        joshuamorton 5y ago
        He absolutely is, "but women have it worse", is not implied anywhere in the comment at the start of this thread. It's a claim GP invented. See how a fairly similar argument can be raised respectfully and without defensiveness in the sibling thread https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30278864 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30278864.
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rayiner 5y ago
Respectfully, this is kind of a privileged take, both economic and intellectual. For the majority of men who aren’t going to college, they’ve spent a lot longer than a couple of years feeling like they’re not “the favored party” in a situation.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- nuclearnice3 5y ago
  The poster knows that. * "Semi-recently I had an (maybe my first?) experience where I wasn't the favored party in a situation." * "almost everyone else has dealt with similar circumstances much more often than I have."
- dibujante 5y ago
  Respectfully, making sweeping assertions about someone without having read what they wrote and expecting agreement is kind of a privileged take.
andrewclunn 5y ago
slim 5y ago
I'm older than you, living in a third world country. I've been reflecting on this since I discovered my privileges like you did. I feel like the poor state of my society comes from the fact that a large part of the population is constantly trying to survive. That state of survivorship is what makes a person make poor choices, harm other people and lose respect for themselves. Which makes those persons untrustworthy and explains the low level of trust in my society.

marcellus23 5y ago

> Semi-recently I had an (maybe my first?) experience where I wasn't the favored party in a situation You're mid-30s and you might have just experienced your first thing like that? Man or woman, that's hard to believe. And more importantly, I'm not sure your experience can be generalized to all men. As someone who has experienced situations like that frequently, and knows other men who have, it's a bit frustrating to see the implication that we all feel like "we're perfect for this" or "we're made for this" all the time.

uoaei 5y ago
Yours is an argument of kind in reply to an argument of degree.
- marcellus23 5y ago
  The degree is irrelevant. I don't doubt that men have privilege — but the "but women have it worse!" comment often shows up on articles like these, and since it's just whataboutism, it feels like it's suggesting that we shouldn't care about these issues. Shouldn't we care about how society is treating people, no matter who they are, instead of getting into a pissing contest about who society is _really_ screwing over the most? Not to mention, frankly, it's ridiculous to imply that a 35-year old male software engineer's experience is at all representative of that of the average male (who is far, far worse off).
  - y-c-o-m-b 5y ago
    > Shouldn't we care about how society is treating people, no matter who they are, instead of getting into a pissing contest about who society is _really_ screwing over the most? This is a great point that often gets overlooked in discussions around gender, race, sexuality, class, or any other issue surrounding equality. I think people often hone in on the latter and it becomes counter-productive to fixing these issues. Thanks for bringing it up.
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
  - joshuamorton 5y ago
    > but the "but women have it worse!" You're jumping to a bit of a conclusion here. Most people seem to be reading this comment as re recognition that this particular guy is privileged compared to most people, not a blanket argument that women have it worse. Consider why you reacted so defensively to such an anodyne self-reflection.
    - Gwarzo 5y ago
      He's not jumping to a conclusion, and I would suggest you add to the arguments instead of patronizing.
      - joshuamorton 5y ago
        He absolutely is, "but women have it worse", is not implied anywhere in the comment at the start of this thread. It's a claim GP invented. See how a fairly similar argument can be raised respectfully and without defensiveness in the sibling thread https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30278864 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30278864.
deleted 5y ago
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rayiner 5y ago

Respectfully, this is kind of a privileged take, both economic and intellectual. For the majority of men who aren’t going to college, they’ve spent a lot longer than a couple of years feeling like they’re not “the favored party” in a situation.

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
nuclearnice3 5y ago
The poster knows that. * "Semi-recently I had an (maybe my first?) experience where I wasn't the favored party in a situation." * "almost everyone else has dealt with similar circumstances much more often than I have."
dibujante 5y ago
Respectfully, making sweeping assertions about someone without having read what they wrote and expecting agreement is kind of a privileged take.

andrewclunn 5y ago

slim 5y ago

I'm older than you, living in a third world country. I've been reflecting on this since I discovered my privileges like you did. I feel like the poor state of my society comes from the fact that a large part of the population is constantly trying to survive. That state of survivorship is what makes a person make poor choices, harm other people and lose respect for themselves. Which makes those persons untrustworthy and explains the low level of trust in my society.