I take it you're going for irony here, but, well, your hyperbole is right: as a shipping product, or anything other than a very cool hardware proof of concept,

I take it you're going for irony here, but, well, your hyperbole is right: as a shipping product, or anything other than a very cool hardware proof of concept, this absolutely does not exist. When Apple invents some new UI conventions suitable for such a form factor, spends years testing and tweaking them, engineers all the hardware to fit neatly into a single unit with optimal battery life, builds a cost-effective manufacturing process and ships it along with an SDK full of frameworks custom-suited for such a large touch surface, then it will exist. And yes, it will only run software from the App Store.