70 ms·

I was in similar spot with around 30. My advice: 1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having s

I was in similar spot with around 30. My advice: 1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. Don't buy into that Hollywood "soulmate" crap. More likely than not there is already someone you know or at max someone one graph edge away which will be a perfectly fine partner for the rest of your life. So finding that person will keep you occupied for 2-5 years. 2.) Get kids. Having never imagined to be a father and now having three kids, I have to admit I always feel sorry for people who don't have kids. I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. This might be complete bs but certainly floats my boat. I got my "finding meaning in life" completely covered by getting those three buggers into a good position for their life. That will keep me busy for the next 15 years. 3.) Don't take your job too seriously. There is Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates and Henry Ford but for 99.99% percent of the people here on HN (me and presumably you included) what you do in your work life will not really matter for generations to come. It pays the bills, it should be interesting enough not to bore you to death, you should have colleagues that are in their majority "friend material". That's it. I always imagine my live as a pizza with three slices: personal (some sport, watching movies with friends, reading books, etc.), family and work. Ideally, each one should be about a third of the pizza, ie. have a third of your attention and time. There are times when this is not possible but it should be the state you are striving towards.

agent008t 5y ago
Deciding to have children when you are lost and miserable on the off chance that it will solve your problems sounds like a terrible idea. With this reasoning, you might as well just get as big a mortgage as you can get instead. It will also give you a "meaning in life" - freeing yourself from the debt burden - and keep you busy for the next 30 years. At least you won't be gambling with a newly created life.
chaoz_ 5y ago
I think you have a good actionable advice. I would highlight that it's important to get your own life in order before you decide to get kids. It's a great responsibility after all and it should not be done only because "I'm trying to find my place in life". Obviously, HN readers are well aware of it, but (mental) health is the best start.
dubeye 5y ago
It's true that kids remove a great deal of existential angst. The answer to whether that is due to the kids being rewarding, or just not having time or energy to think like that anymore, doesn't seem too important.
parentheses 5y ago
You state child rearing as a solution to the existential problem and I think that is the wrong framing. Children give life meaning _for certain people_. There are many unhappy parents. There's a type of bias in the dichotomy of those who have and don't have kids. No parent will badmouth their child knowing full well that they're committing to that for the life of their child. Complaining about having kids is an admission of a bad commitment that will pay double digit years. There is a (biologically driven) feeling of love you have for your children and it is overwhelming. It is juxtaposed by hardships of raising children. This puts most parents in the middle of the regret/contentment spectrum. These are the reasons why parents aren't straight with others about having kids. > it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but it's so rewarding To set it straight: - It's hard and there is no certain link between hard work and the reward of happy and successful children - I have seen great parents with the worst children; at 40, they are angry and broken humans drifting directionlessly; since birth they have been angry and a pain in their parents' collective asses; they are the reason for parents divorce and will likely cause their early death as they battle with drug addictions, low self esteem and abusive relationships - all self inflicted. Both parents blame themselves and have had other happy and successful kids. - God forbid you have a disabled child; this just plain sucks. If you have multiple children they all resent the disabled child. This child will never become independent and their life is your responsibility forever - It involves a lot of stress and not a lot of thanks. Most kids are not grateful and don't realize the magnitude and sustain of time/money/sacrifice/stress it took to keep them alive and provide for them. - It strains your relationship with your partner. Some parents I know are divorced primarily because of life stress caused by children. - It complicates your life in every way. Want to take a walk? Dinner with friends? Travel? All these things are harder with children. You're constantly weighing opportunity cost because your available time is even more bottlenecked. Know why you're having children and if you can handle it!!! Make sure you will never give up on them - this is a path to broken children. Index on negative experiences about what it's like to have children. If after all that you still want kids, go forth and procreate!
jart 5y ago
(3) is a very negative way of looking at things. Do you think Bill Gates did it on his own? You don't have to be famous in order to play a small part of something impactful that's larger than yourself and will be respected for generations.
- sillysaurusx 5y ago
  > You don't have to be famous in order to play a small part of something impactful that's larger than yourself and will be respected for generations. Once someone leaves a company, their work generally fades into oblivion. Almost immediately, too. Are you around 25? I used to feel as you do. But at 34, I'm with OP.
  - jart 5y ago
    I'm older than you. The code I write and the production systems I've brought online tend to stick around. It's because I pour my heart and soul into making them as beautiful and poetic as possible. Because I'm not just thinking about my paycheck. I'm thinking about the next guy who's going to be maintaining it, and how good his life is going to be, after I've moved on to a different project, and then the next guy. I think if we all approached our work with the same level of tender loving care that we normally reserve only for our children, then the world would be a more pleasant place.
    - sillysaurusx 5y ago
      It sounds like you haven't had the experience of being fired without notice, with one month of rent in savings. Companies literally don't care whether you die. Why would you pour your heart and soul into something so soulless? When I felt as you did, it ended up causing interpersonal conflicts when my vision of "good" didn't match my coworkers'. If you pour your heart and soul into something, and then everyone disagrees that it's good, then empirically you were a net negative for the team. Strike two for soulpouring. I understand you might want to remain anonymous, but it's also telling that you didn't link to any examples of the work that you're proud of. My point is, try not to judge others for not feeling as you do. Empathy is a difficult art, but it's worthwhile. It wasn't till I was diagnosed with narcolepsy that most of my work history made sense in hindsight -- zero companies were tolerant to missed meetings, with the thankful exception of my current role. (I wrote about my experiences here: https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150 https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150) And no matter how much you care about your work, I bet you don't pour your heart and soul into meetings. So it always felt like the world cared about things I didn't, which in turn made me stop caring beyond professionalism. But professionalism has merit. Once I detached my ego, I was able to take orders well, and to execute someone else's vision well. "Tool" is another name for that sort of person. And although I don't enjoy being a tool, I'm well-compensated for it, and the counterparty and I both walk away happy.
CodeGlitch 5y ago
(2) This! Once you have kids your focus is on other people rather than yourself, which makes you a better human being... well that was my experience at least. Don't leave it too late. Take a look at the current "feminism" movement that aims to empower women to be equal to men in the job market. What has happened in the West is that women are realising by the age of 40 they have a great job, but no kids or long term relationship to speak of. Instead they have surrounded themselves with cats :( (not saying all Feminism is bad - it's done a lot of good in other aspects)
- PaulHoule 5y ago
  I wouldn’t say that was the result of a feminist movement as much powerful interests in society being able to exploit women’s work much more systematically. If a woman has a career the government can tax their earnings and somebody like Jeff Bezos has the value of their stock holdings increase by some multiple of the earnings created. Contrast that to unpaid domestic work which doesn’t contribute to either but does contribute to the welfare of the family. Manicur Olson points out that large groups (50% of the population) have the most difficult time organizing on their own behalf, whereas small special interest groups that are more concentrated are much more effective at getting what they want. The most effective social movements have both an elite and mass component.
  - CRConrad 5y ago
    > The most effective social movements have both an elite and mass component. And guess which of those parts the movement as a whole is usually most useful for.
k8sToGo 5y ago
While I am glad that you are enjoying kids, I do not think it is fair the way you paint the picture of people who choose to not have kids ("feeling sorry for them") as if it was a condition or something. Plus I think having children is not something that should be rushed. Pretty sure there are many parents out there who became a parent because of social pressure. What if I tell you I find fullfilment in travelling? Should I feel sorry for people who do not want to travel (or can't because they have kids ;) )? I agree with 3) though that a job should be just a means to the end.
- H8crilA 5y ago
  Take that comment with an assumption of good intentions, and you can get to a specific situation like: "oh man, that particular guy really has nothing going for him, if he had kids it would look a whole lot different". BTW, I feel like "that guy" sometimes, and it's probably quite common.
- tharne 5y ago
  > I do not think it is fair the way you paint the picture of people who choose to not have kids ("feeling sorry for them") as if it was a condition or something. It's not painting childless folks as having a condition, it's more kindhearted than that. It's saying, "Here's this thing that's incredibly difficult but infinitely rewarding. I care about you so I want you to experience it too".
- jacquesm 5y ago
  I also wonder what a child would think that read that.
  - k8sToGo 5y ago
    Which part?
    - CRConrad 5y ago
      Maybe didn't mean you, but the GP's "I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. This might be complete bs but certainly floats my boat." That sounds like it could make a kid think "So they didn't have me for my sake, just so they could find 'relevance' in their life".
amznbyebyebye 5y ago
Unpopular opinion but even if you are a Bill Gates, I don’t think there is anything of substance about his technological innovation. What is noteworthy is how he has used his wealth in his philanthropic efforts to eradicate disease and suffering. That deserves kudos.
- CRConrad 5y ago
  > What is noteworthy is how he has used his wealth in his philanthropic efforts to eradicate disease and suffering. That deserves kudos. Well, yeah, kind of... But what is also at least as noteworthy is how he got that wealth. His philanthropy since he retired has only begun to make up for the stifling hand his evil empire laid over computing for decades.
- wahnfrieden 5y ago
  Gates built a close relationship with Epstein over years (and knowing what he was convicted for), while on the other hand Gates Foundation worked to address human trafficking. Philanthropy is a cheap way to launder reputation without engaging with real powers at play. >Over the years, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation had poured millions of dollars into anti–sex trafficking groups, among many other causes, including $5 million to the evangelical group International Justice Mission, which is perhaps most known for conducting dramatic brothel raids in Southeast Asia. At the time, international sex workers’ rights groups condemned the grant and IJM, but nearly no one else drew attention to the traumatic arrests and threats of deportations alleged by sex workers whose workplaces were raided. Gates Foundation targeted workers and clients while Gates used an actual trafficker to help build his own reputation, hoping Epstein would help help himself to the Nobel prize. This is typically neoliberal philanthropy - address the worst effects (through surveillance tech for cops at that) without addressing the structural problem. Let's not get too excited about a billionaire technocrat's repentance.
- tharne 5y ago
  > Unpopular opinion but even if you are a Bill Gates, I don’t think there is anything of substance about his technological innovation. I don't understand the downvotes here. In 100 years or so, practically no one is going to remember that Bill Gates created a shitty operating system back in the 20th century, but there will probably be statues of him around the world for his philanthropic work.
urban_strike 5y ago
> I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. In my view, having kids is a great way to take off the existential pressure of life being meaningless, by just having a default "do it for them" answer to every single question or hardship in life. And what then will give your child's life such a straightforward meaning? Well, just have kids of their own I guess, and their kids the same, all the way down, forever. It always seems like a bit of a cop out to me. "Life is empty and meaningless, so I'll just have kids, let that fill up all my time, and maybe they can figure it out." I suppose that could be the history of humanity in a nutshell.
- acutesoftware 5y ago
  Well said! Life should be what you want to do - many people don't have ambitions or interests, and I guess defaulting to the evolutionary standard of having kids is a valid response.
- willis936 5y ago
  I haven't had kids yet, but I think having them is the most important thing I can do with my life. I can't fix society's problems. I can't even be sure I helped a nonzero amount even if I exerted myself to exhaustion for my entire time on Earth. What I can do is raise someone who is exposed to my principles and ideals. I can carry my meme on so that they may exert themselves for a lifetime that yields an infentesimal result. It's the only way we'll ever make it.
- alisonkisk 5y ago
- tharne 5y ago
  > It always seems like a bit of a cop out to me. "Life is empty and meaningless, so I'll just have kids, let that fill up all my time, and maybe they can figure it out." I suppose that could be the history of humanity in a nutshell. I understand the sentiment here, and prior to having children of my own, I would have agreed with you. But having kids brings tremendous meaning to one's life in a way that is difficult to explain - it has to be experienced. What you see as an infinite recursion, i.e.: have children and find meaning --> your children find meaning from their children --> etc., etc. etc. Being part of the ongoing chain of humanity, there's something beautiful about that lack of an endgame, just being a part of something and then passing the torch.
stonewashed 5y ago
> I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore So do I. Unfortunately I don't have any and most likely never will (the wife can't). Combined with an unfulfilling job, this makes most days quite pointless and hard to bear. Personally I try to distract myself, not think too much about these things and just wait for it all to be over.
- ycombinete 5y ago
  I know this is a weird suggestion, and doesn't cover the missing fulfillment of raising kids. If having progeny is a concern of yours perhaps sperm donation might be something to think about. You can donate with the stipulation that any resultant children will be allowed to look you up if they wish later in life.
- cjmcqueen 5y ago
  Not sure if this will help, but "giving back" or supporting those around you are some of the core ideas of having kids. I know it can feel hard when there are personal limitations, but I hope you can find someone or a group to invest in. I feel it really makes a difference in my life with similar limitations.
- aero-glide2 5y ago
  Have you discussed adopting a kid?
  - stonewashed 5y ago
    Yes, we have. Apparently it's close to impossible to adopt a kid for us, considering that we are in our 40's and that demand is much greater than supply, so they pick younger couples. Also, there seems to be a whole industry pretty much stealing children from poor countries and selling them to couples like us. I do not want to be part of that.
    - SamoyedFurFluff 5y ago
      Demand is much greater than supply? I’m pretty surprised to hear this actually. Would you be willing to educate me a little bit about this? My understanding is that there are countless children in foster homes waiting to be adopted.
yodsanklai 5y ago
> Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. I wish that was true. For me, dating became incredibly harder after 40 even though my social status has considerably increased.
- parentheses 5y ago
  A big part of dating is knowing where to look and what for. 99% of single people don't do either of those right. As OP said (paraphrasing on mobile) > soulmates are hype Another commenter said: > marry up emotionally Emotional hygeine is imo the biggest contributor to a stable relationship. I'm a stupid curmudgeonly weirdo but my wife is a gem of a woman and she keeps me going. Her positivity and our healthy debate about literally everything makes sure everything is going well and we're happy. Hidden gems are around and I feel that literature/media over romanticizes serendipity among other things in dating and relationships. Dating apps are terrible. There's a HN post doing BOTE math about dating that will blow your mind. Make friends. Friends and siblings (not parents or uncles/aunts) make the best matchmakers if you are open when you want to date someone.
- datavirtue 5y ago
  I have been happily married for decades. We have friends who are dating late in life. No envy here. I feel sorry for anyone on a dating app. What a shit show.
  - ohwellhere 5y ago
    I'm coming into it at 40 now that I'm far enough past divorce that I'm not an absolute wreck. It is absolutely a shit show and was far far easier in my 20s.
  - bradlys 5y ago
    It’s a shit show for most any straight man. Dating is something you’ll have to relegate to the old real world as a straight man. Too many straight men on dating apps. The apps know how to drain men of their money. Better to try real life methods - even though they are incredibly difficult and resoundingly terrible overall too. The most difficult part could just be getting in front of someone you find attractive - dating apps make it relatively easy to find the attractive ones even if they put them behind a paywall.
kumquats 5y ago
what does one graph edge away mean?
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- defterGoose 5y ago
  One degree of separation (socially). The implication being that if OP doesn't know someone who would fit as a partner, someone (s)he knows does.
- hhmc 5y ago
  presumably, friend of friend

agent008t 5y ago

Deciding to have children when you are lost and miserable on the off chance that it will solve your problems sounds like a terrible idea. With this reasoning, you might as well just get as big a mortgage as you can get instead. It will also give you a "meaning in life" - freeing yourself from the debt burden - and keep you busy for the next 30 years. At least you won't be gambling with a newly created life.

chaoz_ 5y ago

I think you have a good actionable advice. I would highlight that it's important to get your own life in order before you decide to get kids. It's a great responsibility after all and it should not be done only because "I'm trying to find my place in life". Obviously, HN readers are well aware of it, but (mental) health is the best start.

dubeye 5y ago

It's true that kids remove a great deal of existential angst. The answer to whether that is due to the kids being rewarding, or just not having time or energy to think like that anymore, doesn't seem too important.

parentheses 5y ago

You state child rearing as a solution to the existential problem and I think that is the wrong framing. Children give life meaning _for certain people_. There are many unhappy parents. There's a type of bias in the dichotomy of those who have and don't have kids. No parent will badmouth their child knowing full well that they're committing to that for the life of their child. Complaining about having kids is an admission of a bad commitment that will pay double digit years. There is a (biologically driven) feeling of love you have for your children and it is overwhelming. It is juxtaposed by hardships of raising children. This puts most parents in the middle of the regret/contentment spectrum. These are the reasons why parents aren't straight with others about having kids. > it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but it's so rewarding To set it straight: - It's hard and there is no certain link between hard work and the reward of happy and successful children - I have seen great parents with the worst children; at 40, they are angry and broken humans drifting directionlessly; since birth they have been angry and a pain in their parents' collective asses; they are the reason for parents divorce and will likely cause their early death as they battle with drug addictions, low self esteem and abusive relationships - all self inflicted. Both parents blame themselves and have had other happy and successful kids. - God forbid you have a disabled child; this just plain sucks. If you have multiple children they all resent the disabled child. This child will never become independent and their life is your responsibility forever - It involves a lot of stress and not a lot of thanks. Most kids are not grateful and don't realize the magnitude and sustain of time/money/sacrifice/stress it took to keep them alive and provide for them. - It strains your relationship with your partner. Some parents I know are divorced primarily because of life stress caused by children. - It complicates your life in every way. Want to take a walk? Dinner with friends? Travel? All these things are harder with children. You're constantly weighing opportunity cost because your available time is even more bottlenecked. Know why you're having children and if you can handle it!!! Make sure you will never give up on them - this is a path to broken children. Index on negative experiences about what it's like to have children. If after all that you still want kids, go forth and procreate!

jart 5y ago

(3) is a very negative way of looking at things. Do you think Bill Gates did it on his own? You don't have to be famous in order to play a small part of something impactful that's larger than yourself and will be respected for generations.

sillysaurusx 5y ago
> You don't have to be famous in order to play a small part of something impactful that's larger than yourself and will be respected for generations. Once someone leaves a company, their work generally fades into oblivion. Almost immediately, too. Are you around 25? I used to feel as you do. But at 34, I'm with OP.
- jart 5y ago
  I'm older than you. The code I write and the production systems I've brought online tend to stick around. It's because I pour my heart and soul into making them as beautiful and poetic as possible. Because I'm not just thinking about my paycheck. I'm thinking about the next guy who's going to be maintaining it, and how good his life is going to be, after I've moved on to a different project, and then the next guy. I think if we all approached our work with the same level of tender loving care that we normally reserve only for our children, then the world would be a more pleasant place.
  - sillysaurusx 5y ago
    It sounds like you haven't had the experience of being fired without notice, with one month of rent in savings. Companies literally don't care whether you die. Why would you pour your heart and soul into something so soulless? When I felt as you did, it ended up causing interpersonal conflicts when my vision of "good" didn't match my coworkers'. If you pour your heart and soul into something, and then everyone disagrees that it's good, then empirically you were a net negative for the team. Strike two for soulpouring. I understand you might want to remain anonymous, but it's also telling that you didn't link to any examples of the work that you're proud of. My point is, try not to judge others for not feeling as you do. Empathy is a difficult art, but it's worthwhile. It wasn't till I was diagnosed with narcolepsy that most of my work history made sense in hindsight -- zero companies were tolerant to missed meetings, with the thankful exception of my current role. (I wrote about my experiences here: https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150 https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150) And no matter how much you care about your work, I bet you don't pour your heart and soul into meetings. So it always felt like the world cared about things I didn't, which in turn made me stop caring beyond professionalism. But professionalism has merit. Once I detached my ego, I was able to take orders well, and to execute someone else's vision well. "Tool" is another name for that sort of person. And although I don't enjoy being a tool, I'm well-compensated for it, and the counterparty and I both walk away happy.

CodeGlitch 5y ago

(2) This! Once you have kids your focus is on other people rather than yourself, which makes you a better human being... well that was my experience at least. Don't leave it too late. Take a look at the current "feminism" movement that aims to empower women to be equal to men in the job market. What has happened in the West is that women are realising by the age of 40 they have a great job, but no kids or long term relationship to speak of. Instead they have surrounded themselves with cats :( (not saying all Feminism is bad - it's done a lot of good in other aspects)

PaulHoule 5y ago
I wouldn’t say that was the result of a feminist movement as much powerful interests in society being able to exploit women’s work much more systematically. If a woman has a career the government can tax their earnings and somebody like Jeff Bezos has the value of their stock holdings increase by some multiple of the earnings created. Contrast that to unpaid domestic work which doesn’t contribute to either but does contribute to the welfare of the family. Manicur Olson points out that large groups (50% of the population) have the most difficult time organizing on their own behalf, whereas small special interest groups that are more concentrated are much more effective at getting what they want. The most effective social movements have both an elite and mass component.
- CRConrad 5y ago
  > The most effective social movements have both an elite and mass component. And guess which of those parts the movement as a whole is usually most useful for.

k8sToGo 5y ago

While I am glad that you are enjoying kids, I do not think it is fair the way you paint the picture of people who choose to not have kids ("feeling sorry for them") as if it was a condition or something. Plus I think having children is not something that should be rushed. Pretty sure there are many parents out there who became a parent because of social pressure. What if I tell you I find fullfilment in travelling? Should I feel sorry for people who do not want to travel (or can't because they have kids ;) )? I agree with 3) though that a job should be just a means to the end.

H8crilA 5y ago
Take that comment with an assumption of good intentions, and you can get to a specific situation like: "oh man, that particular guy really has nothing going for him, if he had kids it would look a whole lot different". BTW, I feel like "that guy" sometimes, and it's probably quite common.
tharne 5y ago
> I do not think it is fair the way you paint the picture of people who choose to not have kids ("feeling sorry for them") as if it was a condition or something. It's not painting childless folks as having a condition, it's more kindhearted than that. It's saying, "Here's this thing that's incredibly difficult but infinitely rewarding. I care about you so I want you to experience it too".
jacquesm 5y ago
I also wonder what a child would think that read that.
- k8sToGo 5y ago
  Which part?
  - CRConrad 5y ago
    Maybe didn't mean you, but the GP's "I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. This might be complete bs but certainly floats my boat." That sounds like it could make a kid think "So they didn't have me for my sake, just so they could find 'relevance' in their life".

amznbyebyebye 5y ago

Unpopular opinion but even if you are a Bill Gates, I don’t think there is anything of substance about his technological innovation. What is noteworthy is how he has used his wealth in his philanthropic efforts to eradicate disease and suffering. That deserves kudos.

CRConrad 5y ago
> What is noteworthy is how he has used his wealth in his philanthropic efforts to eradicate disease and suffering. That deserves kudos. Well, yeah, kind of... But what is also at least as noteworthy is how he got that wealth. His philanthropy since he retired has only begun to make up for the stifling hand his evil empire laid over computing for decades.
wahnfrieden 5y ago
Gates built a close relationship with Epstein over years (and knowing what he was convicted for), while on the other hand Gates Foundation worked to address human trafficking. Philanthropy is a cheap way to launder reputation without engaging with real powers at play. >Over the years, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation had poured millions of dollars into anti–sex trafficking groups, among many other causes, including $5 million to the evangelical group International Justice Mission, which is perhaps most known for conducting dramatic brothel raids in Southeast Asia. At the time, international sex workers’ rights groups condemned the grant and IJM, but nearly no one else drew attention to the traumatic arrests and threats of deportations alleged by sex workers whose workplaces were raided. Gates Foundation targeted workers and clients while Gates used an actual trafficker to help build his own reputation, hoping Epstein would help help himself to the Nobel prize. This is typically neoliberal philanthropy - address the worst effects (through surveillance tech for cops at that) without addressing the structural problem. Let's not get too excited about a billionaire technocrat's repentance.
tharne 5y ago
> Unpopular opinion but even if you are a Bill Gates, I don’t think there is anything of substance about his technological innovation. I don't understand the downvotes here. In 100 years or so, practically no one is going to remember that Bill Gates created a shitty operating system back in the 20th century, but there will probably be statues of him around the world for his philanthropic work.

urban_strike 5y ago

> I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. In my view, having kids is a great way to take off the existential pressure of life being meaningless, by just having a default "do it for them" answer to every single question or hardship in life. And what then will give your child's life such a straightforward meaning? Well, just have kids of their own I guess, and their kids the same, all the way down, forever. It always seems like a bit of a cop out to me. "Life is empty and meaningless, so I'll just have kids, let that fill up all my time, and maybe they can figure it out." I suppose that could be the history of humanity in a nutshell.

acutesoftware 5y ago
Well said! Life should be what you want to do - many people don't have ambitions or interests, and I guess defaulting to the evolutionary standard of having kids is a valid response.
willis936 5y ago
I haven't had kids yet, but I think having them is the most important thing I can do with my life. I can't fix society's problems. I can't even be sure I helped a nonzero amount even if I exerted myself to exhaustion for my entire time on Earth. What I can do is raise someone who is exposed to my principles and ideals. I can carry my meme on so that they may exert themselves for a lifetime that yields an infentesimal result. It's the only way we'll ever make it.
alisonkisk 5y ago
tharne 5y ago
> It always seems like a bit of a cop out to me. "Life is empty and meaningless, so I'll just have kids, let that fill up all my time, and maybe they can figure it out." I suppose that could be the history of humanity in a nutshell. I understand the sentiment here, and prior to having children of my own, I would have agreed with you. But having kids brings tremendous meaning to one's life in a way that is difficult to explain - it has to be experienced. What you see as an infinite recursion, i.e.: have children and find meaning --> your children find meaning from their children --> etc., etc. etc. Being part of the ongoing chain of humanity, there's something beautiful about that lack of an endgame, just being a part of something and then passing the torch.

stonewashed 5y ago

> I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore So do I. Unfortunately I don't have any and most likely never will (the wife can't). Combined with an unfulfilling job, this makes most days quite pointless and hard to bear. Personally I try to distract myself, not think too much about these things and just wait for it all to be over.

ycombinete 5y ago
I know this is a weird suggestion, and doesn't cover the missing fulfillment of raising kids. If having progeny is a concern of yours perhaps sperm donation might be something to think about. You can donate with the stipulation that any resultant children will be allowed to look you up if they wish later in life.
cjmcqueen 5y ago
Not sure if this will help, but "giving back" or supporting those around you are some of the core ideas of having kids. I know it can feel hard when there are personal limitations, but I hope you can find someone or a group to invest in. I feel it really makes a difference in my life with similar limitations.
aero-glide2 5y ago
Have you discussed adopting a kid?
- stonewashed 5y ago
  Yes, we have. Apparently it's close to impossible to adopt a kid for us, considering that we are in our 40's and that demand is much greater than supply, so they pick younger couples. Also, there seems to be a whole industry pretty much stealing children from poor countries and selling them to couples like us. I do not want to be part of that.
  - SamoyedFurFluff 5y ago
    Demand is much greater than supply? I’m pretty surprised to hear this actually. Would you be willing to educate me a little bit about this? My understanding is that there are countless children in foster homes waiting to be adopted.

yodsanklai 5y ago

> Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. I wish that was true. For me, dating became incredibly harder after 40 even though my social status has considerably increased.

parentheses 5y ago
A big part of dating is knowing where to look and what for. 99% of single people don't do either of those right. As OP said (paraphrasing on mobile) > soulmates are hype Another commenter said: > marry up emotionally Emotional hygeine is imo the biggest contributor to a stable relationship. I'm a stupid curmudgeonly weirdo but my wife is a gem of a woman and she keeps me going. Her positivity and our healthy debate about literally everything makes sure everything is going well and we're happy. Hidden gems are around and I feel that literature/media over romanticizes serendipity among other things in dating and relationships. Dating apps are terrible. There's a HN post doing BOTE math about dating that will blow your mind. Make friends. Friends and siblings (not parents or uncles/aunts) make the best matchmakers if you are open when you want to date someone.
datavirtue 5y ago
I have been happily married for decades. We have friends who are dating late in life. No envy here. I feel sorry for anyone on a dating app. What a shit show.
- ohwellhere 5y ago
  I'm coming into it at 40 now that I'm far enough past divorce that I'm not an absolute wreck. It is absolutely a shit show and was far far easier in my 20s.
- bradlys 5y ago
  It’s a shit show for most any straight man. Dating is something you’ll have to relegate to the old real world as a straight man. Too many straight men on dating apps. The apps know how to drain men of their money. Better to try real life methods - even though they are incredibly difficult and resoundingly terrible overall too. The most difficult part could just be getting in front of someone you find attractive - dating apps make it relatively easy to find the attractive ones even if they put them behind a paywall.

kumquats 5y ago

what does one graph edge away mean?

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
defterGoose 5y ago
One degree of separation (socially). The implication being that if OP doesn't know someone who would fit as a partner, someone (s)he knows does.
hhmc 5y ago
presumably, friend of friend