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The main thing you're describing is not having a future. You're a bit young for a midlife crisis, but covid has forced it on all of us (I entered mine at 39 an

The main thing you're describing is not having a future. You're a bit young for a midlife crisis, but covid has forced it on all of us (I entered mine at 39 and covid just crushed it). And the world has changed a lot; a lot of the future we imagined has really been taken away - that is, it isn't available anymore, not because of something we did wrong, but because the doors have slammed shut. Just for one thing, having $500k in the bank ain't what it used to be. But I get the sense that you aren't really defined by money. Maybe the "haven't had a serious relationship for many years now" part is what you should work on. Just putting your time and energy into a relationship is good for you. Without a relationship you have no future. I have no kids. That makes me feel like I may have no future. Being aware that the thing you're fighting, the dread you're experiencing, is really about your fear of not having a future -- that can at least provide an anchor, to focus you on imagining what you want a future to look like and taking the steps to get to whatever that place is. I think the biggest problem is that we're all constantly obsessed with the present and somewhere along the line we stop trying to evolve into what we want to be, and get mired down in the quotidian. This may be a normal feature of growing older, but it's definitely amplified by the overwhelming flood of bullshit we see every day now, which seems designed from the ground up to prevent us from thinking about our future. Spend a little time and ask yourself if not having [edit: not being able to visualize] a future is your actual problem, and take it from there.

jpetso 5y ago
> Without a relationship you have no future. Not to take away from your overall point, but I would encourage people to be skeptical of this claim. Relationships are healthy, yes. They can help to provide meaning and purpose. They may end up giving your life the structure that's been missing before. But firstly, it's not necessary to be in a single romantic relationship for all of these benefits, a tight-knit group of close friends can be just as great of a boon or almost. And secondly, leaving a legacy does not equate having a future. Kids are a legacy. Memories that other people keep of you, and changes (hopefully improvements) you make in local communities, society, the world as a whole, that's leaving a legacy. But really, chances are that the world as a whole doesn't give much of a damn about whether your DNA or your work survives. Give it three or four generations and you're at best a footnote somewhere. And that's okay. Having a future means to shape your life in a way that makes sense to you, that ends up being fulfilling, that lets you experience the good things and the bad things about it conscientiously. Relationships can help with that. But in no way is having "a" relationship or having kids a prerequite for having a future. Thank you for your time, nitpicking over!
boneitis 5y ago
Thank you for chiming in; I don't have the energy to compose my own top-level. The OP is nowhere to be seen from my vantage point in achievements, but rather, I'm a stone's throw away from that one submitter last year whose circumstances and outlook were so crushingly bleak and who had absolutely nothing to their name. I'm not going to pretend there isn't an ounce of "oh, poor me" here, but I think seeing it is crucial to understanding my outlook. I am the same age as OP, just weeks out from hitting 35. What they have in savings, I have less than a % in net worth. Also single, with no serious relationship for years (save for the fact that I've been talking to someone for the last some-odd months, we'll see where that goes). I have held jobs in small and big warehouses for mostly for 1-2 years each, for minimum wage. No wife, kids, or residence to call my own. Back at 30, I felt I had no future. How do I survive and live on? Bearing in mind that question, something hit me (I don't know what exactly) when I then also asked myself: what if I pass on tomorrow? I then started volunteering at the local women's center weekly (and have not been lately only because I finally have my first "real" job now as of a few months ago). I'm reasonably fit, so I rose up the ranks (albeit still a temp in title) and ran the production lines at my warehouse jobs, sharing not only my sharpness through training people as oversee-ees but also all the warmth I have bottled up with each one of them as fellows I worked side-by-side with. Suddenly, it sucked a lot less to be stuck in my dead-end jobs. It wasn't hard to win people over when almost all the bosses and managers were being a bunch o' armchair dicks. If I pass on tomorrow, I have already touched so many people and in turn enjoyed the blessings of having been touched back by every one of them.
- boneitis 5y ago
  [edit, outside edit window] To wrap it up a little less mystically/spiritually: people already know who I am.

jpetso 5y ago

> Without a relationship you have no future. Not to take away from your overall point, but I would encourage people to be skeptical of this claim. Relationships are healthy, yes. They can help to provide meaning and purpose. They may end up giving your life the structure that's been missing before. But firstly, it's not necessary to be in a single romantic relationship for all of these benefits, a tight-knit group of close friends can be just as great of a boon or almost. And secondly, leaving a legacy does not equate having a future. Kids are a legacy. Memories that other people keep of you, and changes (hopefully improvements) you make in local communities, society, the world as a whole, that's leaving a legacy. But really, chances are that the world as a whole doesn't give much of a damn about whether your DNA or your work survives. Give it three or four generations and you're at best a footnote somewhere. And that's okay. Having a future means to shape your life in a way that makes sense to you, that ends up being fulfilling, that lets you experience the good things and the bad things about it conscientiously. Relationships can help with that. But in no way is having "a" relationship or having kids a prerequite for having a future. Thank you for your time, nitpicking over!

boneitis 5y ago

Thank you for chiming in; I don't have the energy to compose my own top-level. The OP is nowhere to be seen from my vantage point in achievements, but rather, I'm a stone's throw away from that one submitter last year whose circumstances and outlook were so crushingly bleak and who had absolutely nothing to their name. I'm not going to pretend there isn't an ounce of "oh, poor me" here, but I think seeing it is crucial to understanding my outlook. I am the same age as OP, just weeks out from hitting 35. What they have in savings, I have less than a % in net worth. Also single, with no serious relationship for years (save for the fact that I've been talking to someone for the last some-odd months, we'll see where that goes). I have held jobs in small and big warehouses for mostly for 1-2 years each, for minimum wage. No wife, kids, or residence to call my own. Back at 30, I felt I had no future. How do I survive and live on? Bearing in mind that question, something hit me (I don't know what exactly) when I then also asked myself: what if I pass on tomorrow? I then started volunteering at the local women's center weekly (and have not been lately only because I finally have my first "real" job now as of a few months ago). I'm reasonably fit, so I rose up the ranks (albeit still a temp in title) and ran the production lines at my warehouse jobs, sharing not only my sharpness through training people as oversee-ees but also all the warmth I have bottled up with each one of them as fellows I worked side-by-side with. Suddenly, it sucked a lot less to be stuck in my dead-end jobs. It wasn't hard to win people over when almost all the bosses and managers were being a bunch o' armchair dicks. If I pass on tomorrow, I have already touched so many people and in turn enjoyed the blessings of having been touched back by every one of them.

boneitis 5y ago
[edit, outside edit window] To wrap it up a little less mystically/spiritually: people already know who I am.