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Note that (AFAIK), for adults, "why" can get you the wrong response (puts people on the defensive), so (AFAIK) it's recommended to use "what" instead (which ten

Note that (AFAIK), for adults, "why" can get you the wrong response (puts people on the defensive), so (AFAIK) it's recommended to use "what" instead (which tends to get at the "why" you wanted in the first place) - "why do you think that?" -> "what led to you thinking that?" :shrug: It works, sooooo.

yazaddaruvala 5y ago
I also stay away from second person: "what led to you thinking that?" -> "what led to that thought?" My preferred version: "what was the motivation for choosing that?". It's especially helpful on a team working with legacy software. Because the root cause can sometimes be a historic team decision, no longer attributable to anyone on the current team. Where "led you" can result in the "oh it wasn't my idea" responses, rather than "I think they made that decision because ..." responses.
- hammock 5y ago
  >what was the motivation for choosing that?". That had the second person in it, it's just obfuscated with less-than-clear language. "The motivation" belongs to, and is exclusively controlled by, the second person.
  - yazaddaruvala 5y ago
    > That had the second person in it, It can have* the second person in it. It's up to the otherperson if they want to answer in with their motivation, or the team's motivation, or explain that they weren't told the motivation by <owning person/team>. It gives me a lot of information about the person answering, and the problem at hand. For example, if it was a team motivation I can follow with "and what are your thoughts on it?". If it was "my motivation" I can follow with "and what does the team / <so and so> think of it?". If they don't know the motivation, I can follow with "Who can we talk to, to find the motivation?" help them learn this is an important part of being a great software engineer. Anyways, it's just my preference, regardless if it "technically" has the second person in it. Your milage may vary.
  - Jon_Lowtek 5y ago
    No it is not. The motivation and choice belong to some person, the grammatical "second person" refers to you especially and no one else. Sure in some situations there is no one else who motivation and choice could be attributed to, but in many there are. Anyway this is about a rhetoric trick: avoid attribution to the person you are addressing to reduce the chance of them going defensive, denying responsibility, trying to wiggle out of blame, and instead answer the actual question. In a more general sense avoiding such details increases focus.
- RangerScience 5y ago
  Oh that's excellent, thank you!
- el_benhameen 5y ago
  This is great. I also often go with something like "can you explain that to me?", because it puts the focus on my apparent lack of understanding the thought process rather than the implication that there's a deficit in the process.
- ajuc 5y ago
  "How do you know". But anyway, I don't think it matters that much.
PebblesRox 5y ago
I've been using "How did you figure that out?" which I got from Marilyn Burns and her wonderful interviews with kids.[0] Her videos are really cool to watch — often the kids will self-correct their wrong answers when talking through their reasoning. Even if they make the same mistake the second time, it gives the listener really great insight into how they're thinking about the question. And it's a great question to ask when the kid is right too — often I'm surprised by my son's answer, such as when he figured out how to spell "only" by looking out the window at the right-turn only sign painted on the street outside. [0] https://twitter.com/search?q=ListeningToLearn.com&src=typed_query&f=video https://twitter.com/search?q=ListeningToLearn.com&src=typed_...
lupire 5y ago
Please don't. Euphemism treadmills destroy langauge.
- puffoflogic 5y ago
  It seems to me that euphemism treadmills also create language. That doesn't mean we should permit them, but there should be a better reason than "this will lead to change".
MattSayar 5y ago
I prefer "What makes you say that?"
drewcoo 5y ago
Why is clearly a personal judgement. What is something other, not the person, and we can even possibly feign objectivity and share a point of view of the matter. Like the saying goes, nobody likes a "whys guy."

yazaddaruvala 5y ago

I also stay away from second person: "what led to you thinking that?" -> "what led to that thought?" My preferred version: "what was the motivation for choosing that?". It's especially helpful on a team working with legacy software. Because the root cause can sometimes be a historic team decision, no longer attributable to anyone on the current team. Where "led you" can result in the "oh it wasn't my idea" responses, rather than "I think they made that decision because ..." responses.

hammock 5y ago
>what was the motivation for choosing that?". That had the second person in it, it's just obfuscated with less-than-clear language. "The motivation" belongs to, and is exclusively controlled by, the second person.
- yazaddaruvala 5y ago
  > That had the second person in it, It can have* the second person in it. It's up to the otherperson if they want to answer in with their motivation, or the team's motivation, or explain that they weren't told the motivation by <owning person/team>. It gives me a lot of information about the person answering, and the problem at hand. For example, if it was a team motivation I can follow with "and what are your thoughts on it?". If it was "my motivation" I can follow with "and what does the team / <so and so> think of it?". If they don't know the motivation, I can follow with "Who can we talk to, to find the motivation?" help them learn this is an important part of being a great software engineer. Anyways, it's just my preference, regardless if it "technically" has the second person in it. Your milage may vary.
- Jon_Lowtek 5y ago
  No it is not. The motivation and choice belong to some person, the grammatical "second person" refers to you especially and no one else. Sure in some situations there is no one else who motivation and choice could be attributed to, but in many there are. Anyway this is about a rhetoric trick: avoid attribution to the person you are addressing to reduce the chance of them going defensive, denying responsibility, trying to wiggle out of blame, and instead answer the actual question. In a more general sense avoiding such details increases focus.
RangerScience 5y ago
Oh that's excellent, thank you!
el_benhameen 5y ago
This is great. I also often go with something like "can you explain that to me?", because it puts the focus on my apparent lack of understanding the thought process rather than the implication that there's a deficit in the process.
ajuc 5y ago
"How do you know". But anyway, I don't think it matters that much.

PebblesRox 5y ago

I've been using "How did you figure that out?" which I got from Marilyn Burns and her wonderful interviews with kids.[0] Her videos are really cool to watch — often the kids will self-correct their wrong answers when talking through their reasoning. Even if they make the same mistake the second time, it gives the listener really great insight into how they're thinking about the question. And it's a great question to ask when the kid is right too — often I'm surprised by my son's answer, such as when he figured out how to spell "only" by looking out the window at the right-turn only sign painted on the street outside. [0] https://twitter.com/search?q=ListeningToLearn.com&src=typed_query&f=video https://twitter.com/search?q=ListeningToLearn.com&src=typed_...

lupire 5y ago

Please don't. Euphemism treadmills destroy langauge.

puffoflogic 5y ago
It seems to me that euphemism treadmills also create language. That doesn't mean we should permit them, but there should be a better reason than "this will lead to change".

MattSayar 5y ago

I prefer "What makes you say that?"

drewcoo 5y ago

Why is clearly a personal judgement. What is something other, not the person, and we can even possibly feign objectivity and share a point of view of the matter. Like the saying goes, nobody likes a "whys guy."