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You sound like a person who envisions a life they should have, feels they deserve that life, and are frustrated they don't have it - then judge everyone you win

You sound like a person who envisions a life they should have, feels they deserve that life, and are frustrated they don't have it - then judge everyone you wind up interacting with as you try to fix it. My advice: get over yourself, you're your own worst enemy. You might not love the people you meet at those meetups, for instance, but if you auto-reject everyone you meet you'll never wind up meeting people via those second or third tier connections. Nothing is saying you have to want to be best friends or date those people you decry, but you're cutting yourself off from potential groups of people that you could be introduced to. You're your own worst enemy here. Getting a dog or traveling, as others here have said, probably won't fix it - a dog can't help you better yourself, and traveling might hide the issue but you'll still be the same ineffective blocked off "you" wherever you go. Work on yourself more.

samkater 5y ago
I generally agree with the “get over yourself” comment but would like to offer a different perspective. The ending suggestion here and in many other comments is “work on yourself more” which I disagree with as the primary path to take. Instead, work on others more. Try to make the world around you a better place. Maybe you want to tutor below grade-level kids, tutor high performing kids, help with the homeless challenge in your community, volunteer with the humane society, volunteer with hospice, do some environmental projects, help out with a niche historical society, volunteer at the zoo, etc. The point being, do something (in meat space) for your community that you connect with, and you will come into contact with like-minded people who may or may not be “cool”, but they at least want to help out the world around them too. There’s that old saying “it is better to give than to receive.” If you aren’t already, give that a try. :) My grandfather was an avid volunteer, far more busy in retirement than most working people. My dad once lamented in a family gathering that he (my dad) didn’t want to retire for fear of becoming bored. My grandfather just said in his special way that is hard to convey, “there’s a lot of good organizations that could use some help.” All the best to you and your search!
- Klonoar 5y ago
  I think this is a good bit as well, and wish I had mentioned it. Well said.
twayt 5y ago
That’s not wrong, but OP sounds desperate for connection. Lowering standards to be part of a group that resolves the loneliness is dangerous and can do a number on ones self-esteem. Sure, the premature judgement is bad but hanging around people who share different values and on different trajectories is not the solution. The only solution here is to take massive action to expose one to different groups of people and if nothing works, move somewhere else.
- Klonoar 5y ago
  I'm not saying they should lower their standards - I'm simply saying they should manage it better. You don't allow everyone in your life to have the same priority, and this extends to how you manage friendships. It's 100% okay to have friends that border more on acquaintances, who might lead you to other more interesting people.
dang 5y ago
Please don't cross into personal attack, even if you're intending to help somebody. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
- Klonoar 5y ago
  I've read your comment and acknowledge it. I respectfully disagree that this was a personal attack. If you'd be so kind as to point out how it was, then I'd love to learn more.
  - dang 5y ago
    "You sound like a person...", followed by pejoratives, is crossing into personal attack. So is using canned personal lines like "get over yourself". So, arguably, is "you're your own worst enemy". So is "you'll still be the same ineffective blocked off 'you'". So, arguably, is "Work on yourself more". I realize that you meant well but repeatedly putting someone down like this is not the way to help them on the internet. Maybe if you were talking in person and had already established a good personal connection, it would be robust enough to withstand that sort of language. On the internet, though (and maybe not only on the internet), that's not the case. People using 'tough love' language generally feel that it's justified because their intentions are good, but you can't know that unless you have a lot of information about how it's landing with the other person, and by default, it probably isn't going to land well at all.

samkater 5y ago

I generally agree with the “get over yourself” comment but would like to offer a different perspective. The ending suggestion here and in many other comments is “work on yourself more” which I disagree with as the primary path to take. Instead, work on others more. Try to make the world around you a better place. Maybe you want to tutor below grade-level kids, tutor high performing kids, help with the homeless challenge in your community, volunteer with the humane society, volunteer with hospice, do some environmental projects, help out with a niche historical society, volunteer at the zoo, etc. The point being, do something (in meat space) for your community that you connect with, and you will come into contact with like-minded people who may or may not be “cool”, but they at least want to help out the world around them too. There’s that old saying “it is better to give than to receive.” If you aren’t already, give that a try. :) My grandfather was an avid volunteer, far more busy in retirement than most working people. My dad once lamented in a family gathering that he (my dad) didn’t want to retire for fear of becoming bored. My grandfather just said in his special way that is hard to convey, “there’s a lot of good organizations that could use some help.” All the best to you and your search!

Klonoar 5y ago
I think this is a good bit as well, and wish I had mentioned it. Well said.

twayt 5y ago

That’s not wrong, but OP sounds desperate for connection. Lowering standards to be part of a group that resolves the loneliness is dangerous and can do a number on ones self-esteem. Sure, the premature judgement is bad but hanging around people who share different values and on different trajectories is not the solution. The only solution here is to take massive action to expose one to different groups of people and if nothing works, move somewhere else.

Klonoar 5y ago
I'm not saying they should lower their standards - I'm simply saying they should manage it better. You don't allow everyone in your life to have the same priority, and this extends to how you manage friendships. It's 100% okay to have friends that border more on acquaintances, who might lead you to other more interesting people.

dang 5y ago

Please don't cross into personal attack, even if you're intending to help somebody. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

Klonoar 5y ago
I've read your comment and acknowledge it. I respectfully disagree that this was a personal attack. If you'd be so kind as to point out how it was, then I'd love to learn more.
- dang 5y ago
  "You sound like a person...", followed by pejoratives, is crossing into personal attack. So is using canned personal lines like "get over yourself". So, arguably, is "you're your own worst enemy". So is "you'll still be the same ineffective blocked off 'you'". So, arguably, is "Work on yourself more". I realize that you meant well but repeatedly putting someone down like this is not the way to help them on the internet. Maybe if you were talking in person and had already established a good personal connection, it would be robust enough to withstand that sort of language. On the internet, though (and maybe not only on the internet), that's not the case. People using 'tough love' language generally feel that it's justified because their intentions are good, but you can't know that unless you have a lot of information about how it's landing with the other person, and by default, it probably isn't going to land well at all.