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This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. S

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should meet platonically - the easiest way to make friends is an activity: you mentioned a hobby, but it can be anything - a running group, the gym, board games, etc. The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people - if you're like me, you struggle to make friends because it's not "easy" like it was in college. Friends in your 30s take work: reaching out, texting, scheduling, planning, etc. - it sounds like you're not in therapy. So let me be the first to tell you that you're depressed (that "apathy" you're feeling is depression). Which is fine, it happens us all. But go to therapy because that's how you solve that. Just try it for a month, no pressure.

withinboredom 5y ago
I’d also add, go pay $45 to a real hair stylist and mention to them that you’re “new to the area” and looking to meet people. Hair stylists know an incredible number of people and many people use their hair stylist as therapy sessions. As long as you’re not creepy and you come across as a “normal enough” person, they’re more than happy to make some introductions or tell you where the cool people are.
giantg2 5y ago
"you're depressed" Don't listen to this guy. Don't let people keyboard diagnose you. You can go falk to a therapist if you want an actual diagnosis (although you state that you don't, which seems fine to me).
message 5y ago
BJJ is also fun hobby. Involves same pattern recognition as programming and builds comradery. Sometimes it’s fun to fantasize how you’d choke the hell out of the PM that annoys you :)
zanzibar735 5y ago
Further ideas for activities: - activism: go canvas for a politician you like - charity work: lots of people down at the soup kitchen, the local thrift shop, etc
- LouisSayers 5y ago
  > go canvas for a politician you like This one might be a bit tricky...
- ethbr0 5y ago
  I cannot say enough nice things about volunteering at a soup kitchen, food pantry, or Habitat for Humanity. Somewhere where people who are not as economically or situationally fortunate as you go. You'll feel better for doing good things for people who need good things. And you'll also feel better because it'll give you a truer baseline to look at your own life. Are there things you want to change? Sure! But it's easy to forget what you've got, viscerally. IMHO, a huge part of suburban malaise is losing touch with what the worst life problems look like. Which isn't to say your problems aren't valid or real! But is to say that "My life is all problems" happens a lot more when we've forgotten the possibility of not having a roof, food in the fridge, electricity and water on, etc.
- krater23 5y ago
  [flagged]
  - dang 5y ago
    Would you please not do this here?
Eric_WVGG 5y ago
I’ll second the city bit. Your experience sounds very much like my existence in not-really-a-city Portland, OR. I moved to NYC and everything about my life got better fast. The only quirk is that COVID kneecapped socializing badly, that’s either temporary or civilization is doomed /shrug
- selimthegrim 5y ago
  I fled to New Orleans from Portland after two and a half years of that shit and never looked back.
  - Zanneth 5y ago
    I visited Portland in late 2020 and I couldn’t believe how dystopian it became. It used to be such an amazing city.
  - abdabab 5y ago
    From a visitor’s perspective Portland seems cool and hip. What actually goes wrong when you live there?
    - bufferoverflow 5y ago
      New Orleans has one of the highest murder rates in the country. It's not a safe place.
      - brendoelfrendo 5y ago
        You misread - they fled to New Orleans from Portland, they weren't trying to get away from the murder rate. Besides, NOLA is fine. Murders aren't evenly distributed; there are plenty of perfectly safe spots and lots of safe activities to do.
      - selimthegrim 5y ago
        In 2019 they were at at all time low. I’ll still take it over Portland where people treat me like I don’t exist or as a means to an end.
ekianjo 5y ago
you dont give a depression diagnostic based on comments on the internet. and asking oneself questions about their future is not a sign of illness, its what conscious beings usually do.
- molyss 5y ago
  The word « apathy » is a pretty important one, and that’s what they responded to. Depression is not necessarily accompanied with suicidal thoughts and dark feelings. For many depressed people, « apathy » is a pretty accurate description. So maybe that person is not clinically depressed, but the advice of mentioning the apathy to the OP’s PCP STILL STANDS, and the possibility of OP exhibiting signs of depression does too
- bawolff 5y ago
  I don't know about depression. However, OP seems unhappy with their current life and is unsure how to fix it. Therapy often can help with that - its not just for depressed people.
  - tim333 5y ago
    Sometimes people are a bit depressed because their life situation is a bit depressing. It can be better to fix the situation.
    - bawolff 5y ago
      That is what therapists do (among other things)
- user_7832 5y ago
  To add on to this on a somewhat tangential note, it's important to understand that there are other conditions that can also cause "depression-like" symptoms. Are you extremely disorganized, forever late, super messy and procrastinate all the time leading to disappointment with yourself and a general feeling of unhappiness due to missed potential? Congrats, (some of) those are classic AD(H)D symptoms. Autism can be mistaken for ADHD. ADHD can be mistaken for BPD. (And of course ADHD can be mistaken for depression). It's important to understand the possibilities. Fortunately today with the internet it's easy to search for symptoms and go to a doctor, and I'd highly recommend that to OP and anyone else who thinks they might need it.
teaearlgraycold 5y ago
> getting into a group of "normal" friends, of both genders, to hang out and laugh with, seems like an impossible goal. > So let me be the first to tell you that you're depressed Yup. OP, sounds like you could do well with (and afford) tele-therapy.
anon92387493 5y ago
RE: activity This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym. Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month. Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it. Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem. There are a million other great activities and communities. Few are as easy to find and as consistently positive as Crossfit. (And it does't have to literally be "Crossfit" but if it isn't, then you are in a search mode, which leads to hesitation, reasons not to, and doing nothing.)
- mvcatsifma 5y ago
  +1 to CrossFit. It pulled me through the birth of my youngest daughter, three job switches in a fairly short amount of time and the pandemic. Like others have said, it will not solve all your problems, but it will definitely make you feel better about yourself. I actually came to CrossFit through reading Tucker Max's book "Mate" (ISBN-10: ‎0316375365) which I also recommend you read. Good luck brother.
- tootie 5y ago
  There's a 1000 similar options. Ballroom dancing, martial arts, bird watching, D&D. Most are happy to have new recruits.
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
  - yeeetz 5y ago
    Yeah those all sound nice in theory but those activities way more likely to be populated with other weird lonely overthinker types like OP. Do stuff that normal people actually do, not what internet people think normal people do.
    - sshine 5y ago
      > stuff that normal people actually do Have kids?
ip26 5y ago
The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people I'd also add the more "regular", the more likely you are to find regular people. The stereotypical events & hobbies recommended for meeting people can unsurprisingly wind up chock-full of outcast-sorts who are also looking to meet people. If you want to find a real group, and a variety of ordinary folks, you want to expressly avoid all the sort of things Lonely Joe Developer would try. (Nothing wrong with loner types, but a concentrated bunch of loners is not a great foundation for building a strong social group)
- mdoms 5y ago
  Yeah I often see people recommend board game groups for people like OP which is shocking to me. Take a look at the people attending these events. They're not what OP is looking for. Look for normies hobbies.
  - drunkpotato 5y ago
    I'm not sure why you don't think board game groups are a good idea. The attendees seem like a pretty good mix of people to me. When I first moved to my current city, I joined one, and met a couple who became some of my best friends here. I never would have met them were it not for the group. I realize that not everyone will have the same experience, I just don't see why "recommend board game groups" is rejected as bad advice.
    - freddie_mercury 5y ago
      While there are plenty of perfectly fine boardgame groups, if you regularly read posts on the subject you'll find that a LOT of people have discovered that their local boardgame group is full of people who lack the social skills to make friends on their own to play boardgames with. I agree with you that it isn't bad advice per se. But it should probably come with a warning that the local group might just be full of weirdos and to cut your losses if that seems to be the case.
      - 5y ago
wasnthere 5y ago
I mostly agree with zanzibar735 except I disagree with their depression prognosis — its loneliness imho and its a silent killer. I firmly second their advice on seeing a therapist. As you age “living your best life” will take different forms. You just have to stick with trying to “live your best life”. Good luck and I hope this discussion here gives you some actionable advice that you can implement.
eirikr 5y ago
Take a look at https://youtu.be/0BMKpodJidI https://youtu.be/0BMKpodJidI
tarsinge 5y ago
> The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people Just be careful what you are asking for. Non-nerdy people are becoming extremely boring in their 30's. I'm not sure why you would prefer discussing celebrities/sports results/car/superficial politics with good looking people instead of having a great time and connecting with people and not caring about how they look. Hopefully you can find interesting (/nerdy in the sense they like to learn deeply and methodically about a subject) people in nearly every activity.
- jseban 5y ago
  It's not about looks, it's about social skills. Can someone be friendly, make friends, make you feel good. Or are they awkward, unpleasant and weird.
  - tarsinge 5y ago
    Social skills are a large set. Being introvert/shy and awkward in large gatherings doesn’t mean you can’t be a good friend. That stereotype of geeks all being “asocial assholes on the spectrum” belongs to the previous century, I don’t know, maybe watch a few YouTube D&D games to update your views.

withinboredom 5y ago

I’d also add, go pay $45 to a real hair stylist and mention to them that you’re “new to the area” and looking to meet people. Hair stylists know an incredible number of people and many people use their hair stylist as therapy sessions. As long as you’re not creepy and you come across as a “normal enough” person, they’re more than happy to make some introductions or tell you where the cool people are.

giantg2 5y ago

"you're depressed" Don't listen to this guy. Don't let people keyboard diagnose you. You can go falk to a therapist if you want an actual diagnosis (although you state that you don't, which seems fine to me).

message 5y ago

BJJ is also fun hobby. Involves same pattern recognition as programming and builds comradery. Sometimes it’s fun to fantasize how you’d choke the hell out of the PM that annoys you :)

zanzibar735 5y ago

Further ideas for activities: - activism: go canvas for a politician you like - charity work: lots of people down at the soup kitchen, the local thrift shop, etc

LouisSayers 5y ago
> go canvas for a politician you like This one might be a bit tricky...
ethbr0 5y ago
I cannot say enough nice things about volunteering at a soup kitchen, food pantry, or Habitat for Humanity. Somewhere where people who are not as economically or situationally fortunate as you go. You'll feel better for doing good things for people who need good things. And you'll also feel better because it'll give you a truer baseline to look at your own life. Are there things you want to change? Sure! But it's easy to forget what you've got, viscerally. IMHO, a huge part of suburban malaise is losing touch with what the worst life problems look like. Which isn't to say your problems aren't valid or real! But is to say that "My life is all problems" happens a lot more when we've forgotten the possibility of not having a roof, food in the fridge, electricity and water on, etc.
krater23 5y ago
[flagged]
- dang 5y ago
  Would you please not do this here?

Eric_WVGG 5y ago

I’ll second the city bit. Your experience sounds very much like my existence in not-really-a-city Portland, OR. I moved to NYC and everything about my life got better fast. The only quirk is that COVID kneecapped socializing badly, that’s either temporary or civilization is doomed /shrug

selimthegrim 5y ago
I fled to New Orleans from Portland after two and a half years of that shit and never looked back.
- Zanneth 5y ago
  I visited Portland in late 2020 and I couldn’t believe how dystopian it became. It used to be such an amazing city.
- abdabab 5y ago
  From a visitor’s perspective Portland seems cool and hip. What actually goes wrong when you live there?
  - bufferoverflow 5y ago
    New Orleans has one of the highest murder rates in the country. It's not a safe place.
    - brendoelfrendo 5y ago
      You misread - they fled to New Orleans from Portland, they weren't trying to get away from the murder rate. Besides, NOLA is fine. Murders aren't evenly distributed; there are plenty of perfectly safe spots and lots of safe activities to do.
    - selimthegrim 5y ago
      In 2019 they were at at all time low. I’ll still take it over Portland where people treat me like I don’t exist or as a means to an end.

ekianjo 5y ago

you dont give a depression diagnostic based on comments on the internet. and asking oneself questions about their future is not a sign of illness, its what conscious beings usually do.

molyss 5y ago
The word « apathy » is a pretty important one, and that’s what they responded to. Depression is not necessarily accompanied with suicidal thoughts and dark feelings. For many depressed people, « apathy » is a pretty accurate description. So maybe that person is not clinically depressed, but the advice of mentioning the apathy to the OP’s PCP STILL STANDS, and the possibility of OP exhibiting signs of depression does too
bawolff 5y ago
I don't know about depression. However, OP seems unhappy with their current life and is unsure how to fix it. Therapy often can help with that - its not just for depressed people.
- tim333 5y ago
  Sometimes people are a bit depressed because their life situation is a bit depressing. It can be better to fix the situation.
  - bawolff 5y ago
    That is what therapists do (among other things)
user_7832 5y ago
To add on to this on a somewhat tangential note, it's important to understand that there are other conditions that can also cause "depression-like" symptoms. Are you extremely disorganized, forever late, super messy and procrastinate all the time leading to disappointment with yourself and a general feeling of unhappiness due to missed potential? Congrats, (some of) those are classic AD(H)D symptoms. Autism can be mistaken for ADHD. ADHD can be mistaken for BPD. (And of course ADHD can be mistaken for depression). It's important to understand the possibilities. Fortunately today with the internet it's easy to search for symptoms and go to a doctor, and I'd highly recommend that to OP and anyone else who thinks they might need it.

teaearlgraycold 5y ago

> getting into a group of "normal" friends, of both genders, to hang out and laugh with, seems like an impossible goal. > So let me be the first to tell you that you're depressed Yup. OP, sounds like you could do well with (and afford) tele-therapy.

anon92387493 5y ago

RE: activity This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym. Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month. Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it. Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem. There are a million other great activities and communities. Few are as easy to find and as consistently positive as Crossfit. (And it does't have to literally be "Crossfit" but if it isn't, then you are in a search mode, which leads to hesitation, reasons not to, and doing nothing.)

mvcatsifma 5y ago
+1 to CrossFit. It pulled me through the birth of my youngest daughter, three job switches in a fairly short amount of time and the pandemic. Like others have said, it will not solve all your problems, but it will definitely make you feel better about yourself. I actually came to CrossFit through reading Tucker Max's book "Mate" (ISBN-10: ‎0316375365) which I also recommend you read. Good luck brother.
tootie 5y ago
There's a 1000 similar options. Ballroom dancing, martial arts, bird watching, D&D. Most are happy to have new recruits.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- yeeetz 5y ago
  Yeah those all sound nice in theory but those activities way more likely to be populated with other weird lonely overthinker types like OP. Do stuff that normal people actually do, not what internet people think normal people do.
  - sshine 5y ago
    > stuff that normal people actually do Have kids?

ip26 5y ago

The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people I'd also add the more "regular", the more likely you are to find regular people. The stereotypical events & hobbies recommended for meeting people can unsurprisingly wind up chock-full of outcast-sorts who are also looking to meet people. If you want to find a real group, and a variety of ordinary folks, you want to expressly avoid all the sort of things Lonely Joe Developer would try. (Nothing wrong with loner types, but a concentrated bunch of loners is not a great foundation for building a strong social group)

mdoms 5y ago
Yeah I often see people recommend board game groups for people like OP which is shocking to me. Take a look at the people attending these events. They're not what OP is looking for. Look for normies hobbies.
- drunkpotato 5y ago
  I'm not sure why you don't think board game groups are a good idea. The attendees seem like a pretty good mix of people to me. When I first moved to my current city, I joined one, and met a couple who became some of my best friends here. I never would have met them were it not for the group. I realize that not everyone will have the same experience, I just don't see why "recommend board game groups" is rejected as bad advice.
  - freddie_mercury 5y ago
    While there are plenty of perfectly fine boardgame groups, if you regularly read posts on the subject you'll find that a LOT of people have discovered that their local boardgame group is full of people who lack the social skills to make friends on their own to play boardgames with. I agree with you that it isn't bad advice per se. But it should probably come with a warning that the local group might just be full of weirdos and to cut your losses if that seems to be the case.
    - 5y ago

wasnthere 5y ago

I mostly agree with zanzibar735 except I disagree with their depression prognosis — its loneliness imho and its a silent killer. I firmly second their advice on seeing a therapist. As you age “living your best life” will take different forms. You just have to stick with trying to “live your best life”. Good luck and I hope this discussion here gives you some actionable advice that you can implement.

eirikr 5y ago

Take a look at https://youtu.be/0BMKpodJidI https://youtu.be/0BMKpodJidI

tarsinge 5y ago

> The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people Just be careful what you are asking for. Non-nerdy people are becoming extremely boring in their 30's. I'm not sure why you would prefer discussing celebrities/sports results/car/superficial politics with good looking people instead of having a great time and connecting with people and not caring about how they look. Hopefully you can find interesting (/nerdy in the sense they like to learn deeply and methodically about a subject) people in nearly every activity.

jseban 5y ago
It's not about looks, it's about social skills. Can someone be friendly, make friends, make you feel good. Or are they awkward, unpleasant and weird.
- tarsinge 5y ago
  Social skills are a large set. Being introvert/shy and awkward in large gatherings doesn’t mean you can’t be a good friend. That stereotype of geeks all being “asocial assholes on the spectrum” belongs to the previous century, I don’t know, maybe watch a few YouTube D&D games to update your views.