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Work on yourself first, buddy. Learn to be happy, then people will naturally enter your life and stick around.

pcthrowaway 5y ago
This is the right advice, but it's worth noting how hard this is when you're doing the software dev grind, unless you're one of those people discussed in other threads recently who manages to settle in at a company where they don't really expect much more than 2-3 hours of work per day (not judging, I miss this kind of work) Working on yourself is a more-than-full-time job, and it can take years of work for someone who's developed so much self-loathing. Hobbies are for people who aren't constantly busy with other obligations. And if you're working in solitude in software full-time, you're going to have a hard time finding a hobby that you can just get laser-focused on, not to mention time for exercise if your hobby isn't athletic.
tenonyx 5y ago
That's how it worked in the past! That's what I want to achieve. But there are no people who could enter, at least not in this isolated job.
- dougmwne 5y ago
  Work is a terrible place to make friends. The incentives are all stacked against it. People at work are competitive, fearful, distrusting, political, formal, reserved, with worksonas turned up to the max. When people leave the company, the majority of the time the reason for the relationship has ceased. Try to bring people into your life through just about any other activity and you will have better results.
- nfw2 5y ago
  My former roommate who works at LinkedIn spends a lot of time hanging out with friends from work. They do things together multiple times a week. Maybe you should try getting a FAANG job and moving to SF/LA/NYC? Also, my impression of NYC, more so than any other place I've lived, is that there is a general rejection of the idea that your lifestyle is supposed to change when you're 30.
- darkerside 5y ago
  Have you watched Harold and Maude? I'm not sure what you're expecting friendship to look like and how much you're expecting to get out of it, but maybe try to lower your expectations of others. Think about what you can do for other people, and less about what you need from someone else.
bawolff 5y ago
Telling people to just "be happy" is not constructive advice. If it was that easy everyone would do it.
- Aloha 5y ago
  You have to learn to like yourself before others will though, having a deep sense of self loathing, even self consciously, will put people off of you, you emanate a deep proverbial psychological stink - and it turns people away.
  - bawolff 5y ago
    I think that's true, its just not helpful advice. Simply "chosing" to be happy is like simply "chosing" to be a milioniare.
    - darkerside 5y ago
      You can choose to work and save and get a little richer every day. The mentality you describe is actually the most dangerous hurdle I found on the path to happiness.
    - Aloha 5y ago
      It wont make you any happier, but its the first step down that road.
  - darkerside 5y ago
    This. Sorry, I can't give the secret to happiness, but I can tell you to stop looking in places where you won't find it. One of those places is expecting others to give it to you when you have none to give back.
  - zepto 5y ago
    That might be a step further than is necessary. I don’t think you have to like yourself, and it’s much easier to like yourself if someone else likes you first. However, I do agree that you need to get past self-loathing to at least self-acceptance of some kind. Mostly because self-loathing means putting your attention on yourself, and that is what makes it hard to connect with other people. It’s ok to not have a high opinion of yourself as long as you don’t place too much importance on it, and are on with yourself.
DarylZero 5y ago
People aren't supposed to be happy when they're isolated -- and being happy doesn't naturally end isolation. That's absurd, and a victim-blaming mentality. (Not to imply OP is a victim.) The isolation is because we're an atomized society. Humans are psychologically supposed to exist in stable tribes. These have been shrunk down to nuclear families in modern life.
- darkerside 5y ago
  It won't magically end his isolation, no. But, it will create an environment that is conducive to ending it. You run into opportunities every day, and it's up to you to take advantage of them, or immediately drown them in negativity.
  - DarylZero 5y ago
    Being happy doesn't create an environment. You're just making a lot of assumptions that conveniently allow you to dismiss and deny the reality of the situation.
    - darkerside 5y ago
      Sorry you're taking it as dismissal and denial. It's not meant that way. I realize there's a problem. I also realize nothing I can say will solve that problem. It's up to tenonyx to solve it. I'm not trying to solve, just trying to help show a perspective on it that one might not immediately see. Because I've been there, too.

This is the right advice, but it's worth noting how hard this is when you're doing the software dev grind, unless you're one of those people discussed in other threads recently who manages to settle in at a company where they don't really expect much more than 2-3 hours of work per day (not judging, I miss this kind of work) Working on yourself is a more-than-full-time job, and it can take years of work for someone who's developed so much self-loathing. Hobbies are for people who aren't constantly busy with other obligations. And if you're working in solitude in software full-time, you're going to have a hard time finding a hobby that you can just get laser-focused on, not to mention time for exercise if your hobby isn't athletic.

tenonyx 5y ago

That's how it worked in the past! That's what I want to achieve. But there are no people who could enter, at least not in this isolated job.

dougmwne 5y ago
Work is a terrible place to make friends. The incentives are all stacked against it. People at work are competitive, fearful, distrusting, political, formal, reserved, with worksonas turned up to the max. When people leave the company, the majority of the time the reason for the relationship has ceased. Try to bring people into your life through just about any other activity and you will have better results.
nfw2 5y ago
My former roommate who works at LinkedIn spends a lot of time hanging out with friends from work. They do things together multiple times a week. Maybe you should try getting a FAANG job and moving to SF/LA/NYC? Also, my impression of NYC, more so than any other place I've lived, is that there is a general rejection of the idea that your lifestyle is supposed to change when you're 30.
darkerside 5y ago
Have you watched Harold and Maude? I'm not sure what you're expecting friendship to look like and how much you're expecting to get out of it, but maybe try to lower your expectations of others. Think about what you can do for other people, and less about what you need from someone else.

bawolff 5y ago

Telling people to just "be happy" is not constructive advice. If it was that easy everyone would do it.

Aloha 5y ago
You have to learn to like yourself before others will though, having a deep sense of self loathing, even self consciously, will put people off of you, you emanate a deep proverbial psychological stink - and it turns people away.
- bawolff 5y ago
  I think that's true, its just not helpful advice. Simply "chosing" to be happy is like simply "chosing" to be a milioniare.
  - darkerside 5y ago
    You can choose to work and save and get a little richer every day. The mentality you describe is actually the most dangerous hurdle I found on the path to happiness.
  - Aloha 5y ago
    It wont make you any happier, but its the first step down that road.
- darkerside 5y ago
  This. Sorry, I can't give the secret to happiness, but I can tell you to stop looking in places where you won't find it. One of those places is expecting others to give it to you when you have none to give back.
- zepto 5y ago
  That might be a step further than is necessary. I don’t think you have to like yourself, and it’s much easier to like yourself if someone else likes you first. However, I do agree that you need to get past self-loathing to at least self-acceptance of some kind. Mostly because self-loathing means putting your attention on yourself, and that is what makes it hard to connect with other people. It’s ok to not have a high opinion of yourself as long as you don’t place too much importance on it, and are on with yourself.

DarylZero 5y ago

People aren't supposed to be happy when they're isolated -- and being happy doesn't naturally end isolation. That's absurd, and a victim-blaming mentality. (Not to imply OP is a victim.) The isolation is because we're an atomized society. Humans are psychologically supposed to exist in stable tribes. These have been shrunk down to nuclear families in modern life.

darkerside 5y ago
It won't magically end his isolation, no. But, it will create an environment that is conducive to ending it. You run into opportunities every day, and it's up to you to take advantage of them, or immediately drown them in negativity.
- DarylZero 5y ago
  Being happy doesn't create an environment. You're just making a lot of assumptions that conveniently allow you to dismiss and deny the reality of the situation.
  - darkerside 5y ago
    Sorry you're taking it as dismissal and denial. It's not meant that way. I realize there's a problem. I also realize nothing I can say will solve that problem. It's up to tenonyx to solve it. I'm not trying to solve, just trying to help show a perspective on it that one might not immediately see. Because I've been there, too.