6 ms·

Having such a marriage in this day and age is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers.

by xwdv 5y ago

elzbardico 5y ago
I wonder why people downvoted you. Maybe they don't agree and it is fine, but why try to silence?
- JohnWhigham 5y ago
  Bitter divorcees probably. Having a marriage like that is a luxury though. Let's be honest: marriage is not the same as it was 40-80 years ago, and that's because society is not the same it was. Long term commitment to your spouse seems to be an idea left to the past now.
  - SketchySeaBeast 5y ago
    "Long term commitment" isn't a luxury though, it's dedicated effort on the part of both spouses.
    - sam0x17 5y ago
      OP's economic argument is pretty sound. 40-50 years ago you could buy a new house, get a solid blue collar job with a pension, and watch your house 5x in value over the next 50 years. Makes it very, very easy to settle down with someone and start a family. In today's economy, even for the relatively well-off, home ownership is essentially a pipe-dream and it is much harder to put down roots of any kind. The second the marriage becomes hard, it's a lot easier to break a lease than it is to break a mortgage.
      - deleted 5y ago
        [deleted]
- mpmpmpmp 5y ago
  The word luxury in this context usually implies some kind of privilege. Which is a strange thing to say.
  - frenchy 5y ago
    To be fair, it is a bit of a privilege. Like most things, it requires a lot of work too, but people learn humility and kindness from each other. Those who grow up with loving parents are a lot more likely to become loving parents.
- coldpie 5y ago
  I didn't downvote, but I always find "this day and age" kind of sentiments extremely eye-rolly, like things were better in some mythic past.
  - keiferski 5y ago
    Unless you think that things are always getting better, it is necessarily implied that some things were better in the past.
    - deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
    - coldpie 5y ago
      Compare these two sentences: > Having such a marriage in this day and age is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers. > Having such a marriage is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers. One contains a positive claim that something is worse now than it was before, which I think invites dispute and is entirely unnecessary anyway. It's a fine sentiment without the judgement.
    - lthornberry 5y ago
      This particular claim is just ludicrous, though. The idea that marriage is primarily about love and emotional companionship is an extremely modern idea. See Stephanie Coontz, Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage.
  - mlyle 5y ago
    > like things were better in some mythic past. It doesn't need to mean this. We've got so much choice in how we structure our lives now. Choice mostly makes things better. Lots of bad outcomes become less prevalent. But some good outcomes become harder to find, and one can rationally have nostalgia for them.
  - ChrisMarshallNY 5y ago
    > I always find "this day and age" kind of sentiments extremely eye-rolly, like things were better in some mythic past. I've encountered this sentiment, several times, lately. In my experience, any mention of a time before now, especially, when they find out that I am "chronologically-challenged," is met by a "Don't tell me about the 'good old days,' Grandpa!". This day and age, seems to have established a culture of real, nasty, institutionalized, anger at previous generations. It is unlike what I experienced. Younger folks have railed against their seniors for all of human history, but now, it's personal. I think I understand where a lot of the anger comes from. My generation has caused a lot of damage, and has exhibited almost awe-inspiring levels of selfishness. I'm pretty pissed, and I'm one of them. But that ain't me. I have lived a long-ish life, and have developed a lot of experience and PoV, as a result. I'm a kind, unselfish person, looking forward to the future, and making the world a better place, for my having lived in it. Not all that is old, is bad. Much is not directly applicable to today's world, but should not be discarded, wholesale. In many cases, only minor adjustments need to be done, in order to make a viewpoint, technique, or philosophy applicable to today's world. The story is a heart-wrenching one. I have many peers, experiencing a lot of these types of things (One of the things that happens, as we age). Not all of them are handling it as well as the author. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but all of us are destined to become "boomers." Every. Single. One. Of. Us. No exceptions. The alternative kind of sucks. One day, we will all be where I am. That is what makes ageism so crazy. I have been around long enough to watch some folks hoist by their own petard (a classic saying, BTW). They established a corporate culture, that eventually excluded them. https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news-in-pictures/news-briefly/britain-headed-for-tattooed-pensioner-crisis-2012083139624 https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news-in-pictures/news-briefly...
- tokai 5y ago
  It's a shallow comment that doesn't add anything of value.
mbg721 5y ago
It's still possible. There are plenty of religions that insist it should be the default among marriages.
- iancmceachern 5y ago
  Religion has nothing to do with it.
  - mbg721 5y ago
    It can have something to do with it, although it doesn't have to.
aantix 5y ago
Deep love is practiced, not an accident. I've found that when I'm honest about my feelings, even the messy ones, honest about my thoughts, even if they don't paint me in a good light, my spouse hears me and eventually, accepts me. And it makes me fall in love all over again. It frees up my consciousness. I don't have to do the mental dance of "oh, you can say this, but don't say that. Say it this way, not that way. Don't mention this." And I have to do my best to afford her the same. You have the choice of either a 10 minute, awkward conversation, putting everything in on the table. But having your conscious cleared. Zero parallel threads running in the back of your mind. :) Or keep these thoughts in the back of your head for months/years, where you expend mental energy suppressing them, sacrificing your creativity, closeness, and vitality. You'll find yourself getting mad at seemingly superficial stuff when the honest truth is because you're seething or ashamed or afraid, with so much to say. Your choice. Choose the courageous path. Surrender the outcome. - Learning to Speak the Microscopic Truth https://hendricks.com/newwp/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Microscopic-Truth-Handout.pdf https://hendricks.com/newwp/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Micro... - Great story from Michael Brody, SAAS entrepreneur, ex-addict (1. Practice Rigorous Authenticity, 2. Surrender the Outcome, 3. Do the Uncomfortable Work) https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_brody_waite_great_leaders_do_what_drug_addicts_do https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_brody_waite_great_leaders_...
- granshaw 5y ago
  Be honest about your feelings, but still strive to be deserving of her, that’s what I try to practice :)
- bongothrowaway 5y ago
  Hear, hear. I've found the same. Love, like any sort of relationship, takes work and compromise, but when you do it with honesty and candidly, it grows far more easily.
- chillacy 5y ago
  > - Learning to Speak the Microscopic Truth I first encountered this idea from the Conscious Leadership Group (Gay Hendricks works with them), and now I can't help but notice that it seems to apply to HN comments (and the result of a given thread), as choices in the words and grammar of each statement.
whateveracct 5y ago
It takes GUTS to be in love

Having such a marriage in this day and age is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers.

by xwdv 5y ago

Having such a marriage in this day and age is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers.

elzbardico 5y ago

I wonder why people downvoted you. Maybe they don't agree and it is fine, but why try to silence?

JohnWhigham 5y ago
Bitter divorcees probably. Having a marriage like that is a luxury though. Let's be honest: marriage is not the same as it was 40-80 years ago, and that's because society is not the same it was. Long term commitment to your spouse seems to be an idea left to the past now.
- SketchySeaBeast 5y ago
  "Long term commitment" isn't a luxury though, it's dedicated effort on the part of both spouses.
  - sam0x17 5y ago
    OP's economic argument is pretty sound. 40-50 years ago you could buy a new house, get a solid blue collar job with a pension, and watch your house 5x in value over the next 50 years. Makes it very, very easy to settle down with someone and start a family. In today's economy, even for the relatively well-off, home ownership is essentially a pipe-dream and it is much harder to put down roots of any kind. The second the marriage becomes hard, it's a lot easier to break a lease than it is to break a mortgage.
    - deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
mpmpmpmp 5y ago
The word luxury in this context usually implies some kind of privilege. Which is a strange thing to say.
- frenchy 5y ago
  To be fair, it is a bit of a privilege. Like most things, it requires a lot of work too, but people learn humility and kindness from each other. Those who grow up with loving parents are a lot more likely to become loving parents.
coldpie 5y ago
I didn't downvote, but I always find "this day and age" kind of sentiments extremely eye-rolly, like things were better in some mythic past.
- keiferski 5y ago
  Unless you think that things are always getting better, it is necessarily implied that some things were better in the past.
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
  - coldpie 5y ago
    Compare these two sentences: > Having such a marriage in this day and age is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers. > Having such a marriage is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers. One contains a positive claim that something is worse now than it was before, which I think invites dispute and is entirely unnecessary anyway. It's a fine sentiment without the judgement.
  - lthornberry 5y ago
    This particular claim is just ludicrous, though. The idea that marriage is primarily about love and emotional companionship is an extremely modern idea. See Stephanie Coontz, Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage.
- mlyle 5y ago
  > like things were better in some mythic past. It doesn't need to mean this. We've got so much choice in how we structure our lives now. Choice mostly makes things better. Lots of bad outcomes become less prevalent. But some good outcomes become harder to find, and one can rationally have nostalgia for them.
- ChrisMarshallNY 5y ago
  > I always find "this day and age" kind of sentiments extremely eye-rolly, like things were better in some mythic past. I've encountered this sentiment, several times, lately. In my experience, any mention of a time before now, especially, when they find out that I am "chronologically-challenged," is met by a "Don't tell me about the 'good old days,' Grandpa!". This day and age, seems to have established a culture of real, nasty, institutionalized, anger at previous generations. It is unlike what I experienced. Younger folks have railed against their seniors for all of human history, but now, it's personal. I think I understand where a lot of the anger comes from. My generation has caused a lot of damage, and has exhibited almost awe-inspiring levels of selfishness. I'm pretty pissed, and I'm one of them. But that ain't me. I have lived a long-ish life, and have developed a lot of experience and PoV, as a result. I'm a kind, unselfish person, looking forward to the future, and making the world a better place, for my having lived in it. Not all that is old, is bad. Much is not directly applicable to today's world, but should not be discarded, wholesale. In many cases, only minor adjustments need to be done, in order to make a viewpoint, technique, or philosophy applicable to today's world. The story is a heart-wrenching one. I have many peers, experiencing a lot of these types of things (One of the things that happens, as we age). Not all of them are handling it as well as the author. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but all of us are destined to become "boomers." Every. Single. One. Of. Us. No exceptions. The alternative kind of sucks. One day, we will all be where I am. That is what makes ageism so crazy. I have been around long enough to watch some folks hoist by their own petard (a classic saying, BTW). They established a corporate culture, that eventually excluded them. https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news-in-pictures/news-briefly/britain-headed-for-tattooed-pensioner-crisis-2012083139624 https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news-in-pictures/news-briefly...
tokai 5y ago
It's a shallow comment that doesn't add anything of value.

mbg721 5y ago

It's still possible. There are plenty of religions that insist it should be the default among marriages.

iancmceachern 5y ago
Religion has nothing to do with it.
- mbg721 5y ago
  It can have something to do with it, although it doesn't have to.

aantix 5y ago

Deep love is practiced, not an accident. I've found that when I'm honest about my feelings, even the messy ones, honest about my thoughts, even if they don't paint me in a good light, my spouse hears me and eventually, accepts me. And it makes me fall in love all over again. It frees up my consciousness. I don't have to do the mental dance of "oh, you can say this, but don't say that. Say it this way, not that way. Don't mention this." And I have to do my best to afford her the same. You have the choice of either a 10 minute, awkward conversation, putting everything in on the table. But having your conscious cleared. Zero parallel threads running in the back of your mind. :) Or keep these thoughts in the back of your head for months/years, where you expend mental energy suppressing them, sacrificing your creativity, closeness, and vitality. You'll find yourself getting mad at seemingly superficial stuff when the honest truth is because you're seething or ashamed or afraid, with so much to say. Your choice. Choose the courageous path. Surrender the outcome. - Learning to Speak the Microscopic Truth https://hendricks.com/newwp/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Microscopic-Truth-Handout.pdf https://hendricks.com/newwp/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Micro... - Great story from Michael Brody, SAAS entrepreneur, ex-addict (1. Practice Rigorous Authenticity, 2. Surrender the Outcome, 3. Do the Uncomfortable Work) https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_brody_waite_great_leaders_do_what_drug_addicts_do https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_brody_waite_great_leaders_...

granshaw 5y ago
Be honest about your feelings, but still strive to be deserving of her, that’s what I try to practice :)
bongothrowaway 5y ago
Hear, hear. I've found the same. Love, like any sort of relationship, takes work and compromise, but when you do it with honesty and candidly, it grows far more easily.
chillacy 5y ago
> - Learning to Speak the Microscopic Truth I first encountered this idea from the Conscious Leadership Group (Gay Hendricks works with them), and now I can't help but notice that it seems to apply to HN comments (and the result of a given thread), as choices in the words and grammar of each statement.

whateveracct 5y ago

It takes GUTS to be in love