Oh wow, really sorry to hear about it. I remember back when I lost my twin daughters I felt very similar. I even had people invite me to cry with them but I kne

Oh wow, really sorry to hear about it. I remember back when I lost my twin daughters I felt very similar. I even had people invite me to cry with them but I knew that wasn't me. Since that time I confirmed my thinking with a lot of my professional mentors and coaches over the years. IMO the response you described is totally normal and likely the best fit for your personal psychology, especially if you have a personal history of similar responses to trauma. Your body-mind system is going to respond in its own way, and it really doesn't care about any other grieving stereotypes. You can tell others--"look, I'm not OK, but I also know I have to process this my way. And I may need to process things at a much deeper level at first, a level of complex meanings that just don't easily reflect on the outside." In the meantime I hope you will do the best you can for your personal care on an hour-by-hour basis. Feeding yourself properly, changing your clothes every day, making decisions to be active, getting any help you may need, will all have to feel like you're forcing it to some degree. That's normal in the circumstances. But if neglected they can add up to some regrets eventually, so hopefully there's at least a way to start putting some of those daily building blocks back together for yourself. Hang in there, use the reflection time to soak up the big picture implications for your future and bring all of that life-changing, learning energy forward if you can. Good luck.