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This book helped me think rationally about the problem space: How To Get A Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud. He has a systematic approach that is very much li

This book helped me think rationally about the problem space: How To Get A Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud. He has a systematic approach that is very much like a sales funnel. The idea is to maximize the number of people you date once, and thus increase your probability of finding someone who will be mutually compatible with you.

avmich 5y ago
I'm sorry, but from your description of the approach it's almost completely worthless.
- cercatrova 5y ago
  I really dislike comments like these, especially on HN. "Please don't post shallow dismissals, especially of other people's work. A good critical comment teaches us something." is in the HN guidelines. It is better to explain what exactly you find objectionable about the parent's comment.
  - avmich 5y ago
    Sort of hard to explain, but I'll try. > He has a systematic approach that is very much like a sales funnel. The original question seems fundamentally different, and the results could dangerously differ from the desired, to the point of dropping everything and starting from scratch, including unlearning the approach.
    - cercatrova 5y ago
      I think when they say sales funnel they mean trying to meet as many women as possible so that one has the highest chance of finding a partner. That is similar in sales where only with a consistent flow of leads can one make sales well. If it is as how I understand it, then I don't see anything wrong with that approach.
      - avmich 5y ago
        > That is similar in sales where only with a consistent flow of leads can one make sales well. If it is as how I understand it, then I don't see anything wrong with that approach. It is important to have exposure to the opportunities, but comparing it to sales is really counterproductive. In case of sales one has a clear criteria for success, while in searching a person the process could be much more important.
        TimTheTinker 5y ago
        The criteria for success are to learn more about yourself, learn about other people, keep your head, and be dating someone exclusively at some point in the near future (he says 6 months or less if you use this method) with an eye towards potentially marrying that person. The similarity to sales is just in increasing leads. He says that's often the primary hurdle people need to get over -- to take the pressure off and keep expectations low when taking someone out on a first date, and to have lots of "first dates" with lots of people, keeping a very open mind about the types you'll consider dating once. Dating for me always had heavy emotional overtones and expectations, to the point where I felt like I had to have a "good sense" that someone was a potential good match before asking them on a date. His framework was helpful to me because it was enabled me to start using my brain and thinking rationally (instead of emotionally) about the problem, and to lower the pressure and my own expectations about dating. That being said, it would have been super helpful for me if there had been a book geared towards folks on the Aspergers/Autism spectrum explaining the unique pitfalls relationships can encounter when one person is on the spectrum... though I didn't know I was on the spectrum at the time.
derbOac 5y ago
On the other hand, I have a friend who adopted this approach and it turned out to be the source of their problems. I'm not saying it's a bad approach, just that at some point you have to go from dating -> feel something serious -> commitment at some level, and there's some tension there between "maximizing your dating pool" and "committing to one relationship." I don't mean anything like "being monogamous is difficult" what I mean is mentally there's a shift involved as you progress, and the relationship is as much a function of what you put into it as what the other person is providing you. If you're in "evaluating your partner mode" perpetually, you'll never get to the next stage. Or something like that.

avmich 5y ago

I'm sorry, but from your description of the approach it's almost completely worthless.

cercatrova 5y ago
I really dislike comments like these, especially on HN. "Please don't post shallow dismissals, especially of other people's work. A good critical comment teaches us something." is in the HN guidelines. It is better to explain what exactly you find objectionable about the parent's comment.
- avmich 5y ago
  Sort of hard to explain, but I'll try. > He has a systematic approach that is very much like a sales funnel. The original question seems fundamentally different, and the results could dangerously differ from the desired, to the point of dropping everything and starting from scratch, including unlearning the approach.
  - cercatrova 5y ago
    I think when they say sales funnel they mean trying to meet as many women as possible so that one has the highest chance of finding a partner. That is similar in sales where only with a consistent flow of leads can one make sales well. If it is as how I understand it, then I don't see anything wrong with that approach.
    - avmich 5y ago
      > That is similar in sales where only with a consistent flow of leads can one make sales well. If it is as how I understand it, then I don't see anything wrong with that approach. It is important to have exposure to the opportunities, but comparing it to sales is really counterproductive. In case of sales one has a clear criteria for success, while in searching a person the process could be much more important.
      - TimTheTinker 5y ago
        The criteria for success are to learn more about yourself, learn about other people, keep your head, and be dating someone exclusively at some point in the near future (he says 6 months or less if you use this method) with an eye towards potentially marrying that person. The similarity to sales is just in increasing leads. He says that's often the primary hurdle people need to get over -- to take the pressure off and keep expectations low when taking someone out on a first date, and to have lots of "first dates" with lots of people, keeping a very open mind about the types you'll consider dating once. Dating for me always had heavy emotional overtones and expectations, to the point where I felt like I had to have a "good sense" that someone was a potential good match before asking them on a date. His framework was helpful to me because it was enabled me to start using my brain and thinking rationally (instead of emotionally) about the problem, and to lower the pressure and my own expectations about dating. That being said, it would have been super helpful for me if there had been a book geared towards folks on the Aspergers/Autism spectrum explaining the unique pitfalls relationships can encounter when one person is on the spectrum... though I didn't know I was on the spectrum at the time.

derbOac 5y ago

On the other hand, I have a friend who adopted this approach and it turned out to be the source of their problems. I'm not saying it's a bad approach, just that at some point you have to go from dating -> feel something serious -> commitment at some level, and there's some tension there between "maximizing your dating pool" and "committing to one relationship." I don't mean anything like "being monogamous is difficult" what I mean is mentally there's a shift involved as you progress, and the relationship is as much a function of what you put into it as what the other person is providing you. If you're in "evaluating your partner mode" perpetually, you'll never get to the next stage. Or something like that.