Overall, the story is verbose, and I think it would be much improved if you shortened it by 25-50%. In the beginning, you use too many pronouns ("he" or "him"

Overall, the story is verbose, and I think it would be much improved if you shortened it by 25-50%. In the beginning, you use too many pronouns ("he" or "him" is in nearly every sentence). I liked the juxtaposition of changing to she half way through. Maybe you could also add 1st and 2nd person narratives for more variety. Similarly, the first usage of sentence fragments was a good change of pacefrom the stilted introduction, but I think you started overusing it towards the end. If you replaced some of the narrative with dialog, you might solve these problems. But be careful not to get too close to the style of "the egg." Keep it up! I love fiction like this that tries to tackle deep topics.