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> Can anyone share similar observations, or am I just a coincidence? it has been excruciating for me living alone during 2020. Getting out of bed was a battle

> Can anyone share similar observations, or am I just a coincidence? it has been excruciating for me living alone during 2020. Getting out of bed was a battle nearly every day. The pandemic came just in time when I thought I finally learned how to manage a severe depression that got triggered by a burnout, which was lasting over a decade, and included 2 suicide attempts, drug abuse, and losing most people in my life at that time due to my own behavior. When the pandemic hit I realized that how I felt all these years has become suddenly a very common way people feel all over the world. Depressed, isolated and on the verge of succumbing to darkness. What I learned for myself (long before the pandemic) is that I need: a strong routine which includes time-boxing not just work but also play. avoid any chemistry that changes the way I feel naturally (sugar, coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, and especially the self-prescribed weed). after reducing anything artificial mentioned, I started facing my emotions. that means stopping everything when a certain feeling hits me, and analyse that feeling telling myself it will eventually pass, but not taking any other action. e.g. I would not continue anything (including eating or drinking) and remain in my chair until I learned that this feeling has no power over me and that just because I feel it, isn't going to change my routine or send me back into my old rut. treating such dark emotions like a "monster" that can only be killed by staring at it until it leaves me alone, prevented sending me back to the dark place. Another thing that has hugely contributed to recovery was changing the country. I moved to a new place 3x since 2020 and that has me thinking on my feet (new language, new things to discover, different culture, warm people). I have no time to wallow because I'm flooded with new experiences, and am making new memories every day. Even allowed myself to fall in love twice since the pandemic hit. But I'm not ready to bring in other people into "my new world". The pandemic shook me awake. I realized there is a danger out there that is at least as scary as the darkness that lives in myself or anything I could do to myself. It made me realize that I need to screw my 5 or 10 year plans and do whatever I want right now or perhaps never will get a chance. It's not that I am in an easier situation than a family with toddlers, because my kids are grown up, my ex wife is god knows where, and so I can just go and do as I please. But the story I tell myself today is very different than 5 or 10 years ago. To paraphrase Don Draper in Mad Men: "If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation." (and this especially applies to the dialogue in my head)

mottiden 5y ago
Just wanted to send you a virtual hug! You are amazing!
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
29387423 5y ago
Can you share which country you liked the best? I'm an expat living in Germany and I would characterize the people and culture here as the opposite of 'warm'. It's really taken its toll on my psyche in the last years...
- DyslexicAtheist 5y ago
  hard to say. a lot of it is hindsight and doesn't reflect how I felt when I was there. it can be excruciating until you go from surviving to thriving. or it can be damaging staying in a toxic place too long. every country I go to has a "honey moon" phase that lasts until reality hits when I'm forced to integrate (learn the language, start working, etc ...). Some countries are harder than others. On one hand I'm tempted to live an expat live (surround myself with foreigners and other people who are outward looking and who have a similar view on life), on the other hand, faster integration happens when facing the reality (and the struggle). Less money upon arrival limits the honey-moon phase. Too much money could mean prolonging inertia. These days I prefer Mediterranean countries where things are less "efficient", and I'm forced to adapt to a slower and more chaotic pace. I'm in love (put up) with the "chaos" of Latin countries. But finding work is also harder and requires sacrifices to what projects I accept and salary. Finding a local job with a terrible salary however can be better for the language skills. It's hard to make an argument for Mediterranean places when most projects that pay well are abroad, so if salary is crucial for you maybe remote work can help. After my honey-moon phase is over it gets really tough and staying put can be a horror. Having interests outside of work (e.g. history and culture of the place) usually gets me through. And I tend to stay longer if I learned the language and understood how locals live (which for me is the whole point of doing it). If you build a client base as a freelancer all across Europe (or whatever continent) then the country itself doesn't matter so much. But you may end up without a real "home". I know that no matter how cool I think it is in the first 2 years, ultimately I will want to get out. Knowing my time is limited (e.g. 2-3 years max) allows me to stay positive and appreciate every day at the place I'm at. Usually I have milestones of what I want to achieve before I go there (that are always personal goals and have nothing to do with work. e.g. work is a means to an end and to achieve that private goal) But to answer your question I'd say I like it anywhere with an ocean, and great food. If the food is bland usually the rest is less appealing. German food is not my thing but history and culture can make up for it. And there are plenty of international restaurants. So to live in Germany happily salary has to support eating out 3-4 times per week. Some places I liked would be Ireland (I dislike Dublin). Cork and Limerick are awesome, Palermo (or Rome), Madrid, Bilbao (I dislike Barcelona), Toulouse, Aix-en-Provence, Lisbon, Porto, Malta, Lausanne/Geneve, Copenhagem, Malmö ... even Eastern Europe (Belgrad, Zagreb) but only with remote jobs and with strictly time-boxed stay. Some places in Germany are (IMHO) easier than others. Frankfurt is a sh!thole, the best thing about Munich is the highway to Austria (that will lead ultimately to Italy), Berlin is OK depending if you still want to party every night. Aachen & Cologne or Duesseldorf are more relaxed than Bavaria and I find people there really friendly and open. Again Bavaria is a nightmare IMHO. Although Duesseldorf or Cologne can get boring if you are with a partner or (gulp) kids, ... at least for my taste. Luxembourg can be great but it's built on holding companies and off-shore money, so the scene can get a bit seedy and very banking/insurance oriented. I love Paris (single), but with kids it's a nightmare. If you don't like Germany try Vienna. It's a bit more laid back than Berlin/Munich, and has culturally a lot to offer. Switzerland is equally cool due to the many meet-ups, winter-sports, mountaineering, great salary ... but can be equally tough as Germany especially if you're not planning on learning German. I think language is key. If I can't motivate myself to learn the language it means I must move on or end up getting depressed very quickly. Most important for me was learning when it is time to look for a new adventure and when I should linger. There is a reward in sticking to a place (Singapore took me 2 years to fully appreciate and learn to love and I whined for 10 years after we left). Australia was great when I was there. Not sure how it is today, ... it seems they have thrown the tech community under the bus Wherever you are, not getting out in time can also be very negative for yourself because we get back the vibes that we send out. Or if you're a very stubborn or tenacious person not getting out can also be incredibly rewarding provided you put in the work. Hard to say :)

mottiden 5y ago

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug! You are amazing!

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]

29387423 5y ago

Can you share which country you liked the best? I'm an expat living in Germany and I would characterize the people and culture here as the opposite of 'warm'. It's really taken its toll on my psyche in the last years...

DyslexicAtheist 5y ago
hard to say. a lot of it is hindsight and doesn't reflect how I felt when I was there. it can be excruciating until you go from surviving to thriving. or it can be damaging staying in a toxic place too long. every country I go to has a "honey moon" phase that lasts until reality hits when I'm forced to integrate (learn the language, start working, etc ...). Some countries are harder than others. On one hand I'm tempted to live an expat live (surround myself with foreigners and other people who are outward looking and who have a similar view on life), on the other hand, faster integration happens when facing the reality (and the struggle). Less money upon arrival limits the honey-moon phase. Too much money could mean prolonging inertia. These days I prefer Mediterranean countries where things are less "efficient", and I'm forced to adapt to a slower and more chaotic pace. I'm in love (put up) with the "chaos" of Latin countries. But finding work is also harder and requires sacrifices to what projects I accept and salary. Finding a local job with a terrible salary however can be better for the language skills. It's hard to make an argument for Mediterranean places when most projects that pay well are abroad, so if salary is crucial for you maybe remote work can help. After my honey-moon phase is over it gets really tough and staying put can be a horror. Having interests outside of work (e.g. history and culture of the place) usually gets me through. And I tend to stay longer if I learned the language and understood how locals live (which for me is the whole point of doing it). If you build a client base as a freelancer all across Europe (or whatever continent) then the country itself doesn't matter so much. But you may end up without a real "home". I know that no matter how cool I think it is in the first 2 years, ultimately I will want to get out. Knowing my time is limited (e.g. 2-3 years max) allows me to stay positive and appreciate every day at the place I'm at. Usually I have milestones of what I want to achieve before I go there (that are always personal goals and have nothing to do with work. e.g. work is a means to an end and to achieve that private goal) But to answer your question I'd say I like it anywhere with an ocean, and great food. If the food is bland usually the rest is less appealing. German food is not my thing but history and culture can make up for it. And there are plenty of international restaurants. So to live in Germany happily salary has to support eating out 3-4 times per week. Some places I liked would be Ireland (I dislike Dublin). Cork and Limerick are awesome, Palermo (or Rome), Madrid, Bilbao (I dislike Barcelona), Toulouse, Aix-en-Provence, Lisbon, Porto, Malta, Lausanne/Geneve, Copenhagem, Malmö ... even Eastern Europe (Belgrad, Zagreb) but only with remote jobs and with strictly time-boxed stay. Some places in Germany are (IMHO) easier than others. Frankfurt is a sh!thole, the best thing about Munich is the highway to Austria (that will lead ultimately to Italy), Berlin is OK depending if you still want to party every night. Aachen & Cologne or Duesseldorf are more relaxed than Bavaria and I find people there really friendly and open. Again Bavaria is a nightmare IMHO. Although Duesseldorf or Cologne can get boring if you are with a partner or (gulp) kids, ... at least for my taste. Luxembourg can be great but it's built on holding companies and off-shore money, so the scene can get a bit seedy and very banking/insurance oriented. I love Paris (single), but with kids it's a nightmare. If you don't like Germany try Vienna. It's a bit more laid back than Berlin/Munich, and has culturally a lot to offer. Switzerland is equally cool due to the many meet-ups, winter-sports, mountaineering, great salary ... but can be equally tough as Germany especially if you're not planning on learning German. I think language is key. If I can't motivate myself to learn the language it means I must move on or end up getting depressed very quickly. Most important for me was learning when it is time to look for a new adventure and when I should linger. There is a reward in sticking to a place (Singapore took me 2 years to fully appreciate and learn to love and I whined for 10 years after we left). Australia was great when I was there. Not sure how it is today, ... it seems they have thrown the tech community under the bus Wherever you are, not getting out in time can also be very negative for yourself because we get back the vibes that we send out. Or if you're a very stubborn or tenacious person not getting out can also be incredibly rewarding provided you put in the work. Hard to say :)