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When men talk about courting a woman. It just sounds like they are either hunting an animal or performing a job. Seriously, if she (or he) likes you, then it ju

When men talk about courting a woman. It just sounds like they are either hunting an animal or performing a job. Seriously, if she (or he) likes you, then it just clicks. Talk of putting effort into it removes the humanity of the other person and also gives creepy people the perspective that someone "owes" them romance because they put the hours into it. It's just gross and misogynistic behavior.

joyeuse6701 5y ago
For some people… many people struggle with establishing romantic relationships, men and women alike. I’ll be first to admit that the phrasing used by the author is dated, however
betwixthewires 5y ago
This comment says more about you than them. It never "just clicks". Meaningful relationships take work. In the modern adversarial dating environment, people are very wary of one another. Helping someone get to know you means getting them to let down their defenses. People are defensive and cautious these days for good reason, but often times it means meaningful connections with potential just don't happen out of apprehension. These days, a lot of people want a readymade partner. All the tough work of becoming should be finished, there should be no personal growth left to do. If he/she doesn't already have everything you expect then time to look somewhere else. This is unhealthy. We have to rediscover how to look past the trinkets and into the human being we say we want something more with. It's a pretty idea that people just click, that true love happens effortlessly, but it is not true, and it is a perfect fiction that destroys peoples reasonable expectations and destroys their lives in the process. How many people waited for perfection like that until they found themselves alone at 40? The only thing that just clicks is sexual attraction. If someone believes someone else owes them romance for putting in effort they have no idea how to go about it, perhaps they never will. When you meet someone who you think is special and you decide to do the work of getting to know them and putting yourself out there for them, you do that knowing that they might not reciprocate, you accept failure as a possibility and you choose to take that risk and engage gracefully.
- deleted 5y ago
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- hnfong 5y ago
  It does "just click". I agree meaningful relationships does take work, but it's much more natural than "quitting your job so you can WORK on courting your future-partner FULL TIME".
  - Buge 5y ago
    Yeah, I think there's a healthy middle ground between "courting is inherently unhealthy" and "you should quit your job and court full time".
    - tawan 5y ago
      And it doesn’t even have to be conscious decisions either. In my case: I was working for two clients as a freelancer but mid projects it clicked with an exchange student who was about to head back to her home country in two weeks. But it really clicked, such that I neglected my ongoing projects in a really unprofessional manner. I didn’t want to, because I really needed the money, however I just slowly stopped working on the projects so I can spend as much time as possible with this exchange student. And when I wasn’t with her, I was losing sleep thinking of her, even writing songs for her - a prototype courting behavior. Needless to say, my unprofessional behavior came back to bite me years later when I was interviewing and the potential employer was checking references including my former clients. Was that all healthy middle ground? I don’t know. I just know that 10 years later, 5 of those married, and now with two children, I don’t really care :). I'm just as happy as one can be.
- meheleventyone 5y ago
  For me at least that immediate sexual attraction has definitely worked out very well and resulted in long-term relationships. It probably helps that sex first, questions later is more socially acceptable where I’ve lived than it seems to be in the US. My wife and I didn’t even get married until our kids were 5 and 3. The idea of courting where to put it bluntly you are campaigning to get someone to see you as worthwhile is pretty weird. Which isn’t to say relationships aren’t hard work but that it’s not front-loaded. At least in my experience.
Jensson 5y ago
Either you do the work or they do the work. If "it just clicks" it meant they they did they work and you didn't notice.
barry-cotter 5y ago
I like how you perform the status move of saying that these things come to you without conscious effort, that you just are yourself and women are automatically attracted to you. Very subtle.
- SkipperCat 5y ago
  Nope, I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about the behavior of some people who thing women "owe" them romance because they perform specific tasks. In this case, it was quitting his job. For many years in the past women have been treated as property, traded off in marriages for family gain. Not just in history but also right now in Afghanistan, women are being sold due to financial calamity. The writer's action of quitting his job can be seen that he gave up something and therefore deserves her affection. Very subtle.
  - betwixthewires 5y ago
    Not sure where you're getting this from in the article. The author never once implies that he quit his job to court this woman (although elsewhere on the site he says he wanted to take the time to find a wife, still doesn't imply being owed anything) and there's nothing here along the lines of "I sacrificed my job to spend more time on her and she'd better notice." There are men like that, and women too, and it's bad, but I'm not seeing this from the author of the article at all.
Buge 5y ago
When you meet and it just clicks wouldn't you want to spend time together, plan dates, talk about your future together, send love letters (or texts), give gifts? Wouldn't that be courting? To me it seems courting is just dating with an eye toward marriage, so talking about a potential future together. Your analogies kind of contradict each other. If someone goes hunting for several days but doesn't get a kill, would that person say they're owed an animal? Hunting isn't a transactional activity. Dating/courting aren't transactional either.
- SkipperCat 5y ago
  I agree. When you like someone, you make it a priority to spend time with them, be nice to them and all that other stuff. What is weird is when you quit your job to court someone. When you make a joke that there is "prophecy" that you and she will be together. On its face, it's pretentious and a laugh, but there's a subtext that if a man makes the decision he wants a women and he performs certain tasks, she has no agency in the manner.
deleted 5y ago
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joyeuse6701 5y ago

For some people… many people struggle with establishing romantic relationships, men and women alike. I’ll be first to admit that the phrasing used by the author is dated, however

betwixthewires 5y ago

This comment says more about you than them. It never "just clicks". Meaningful relationships take work. In the modern adversarial dating environment, people are very wary of one another. Helping someone get to know you means getting them to let down their defenses. People are defensive and cautious these days for good reason, but often times it means meaningful connections with potential just don't happen out of apprehension. These days, a lot of people want a readymade partner. All the tough work of becoming should be finished, there should be no personal growth left to do. If he/she doesn't already have everything you expect then time to look somewhere else. This is unhealthy. We have to rediscover how to look past the trinkets and into the human being we say we want something more with. It's a pretty idea that people just click, that true love happens effortlessly, but it is not true, and it is a perfect fiction that destroys peoples reasonable expectations and destroys their lives in the process. How many people waited for perfection like that until they found themselves alone at 40? The only thing that just clicks is sexual attraction. If someone believes someone else owes them romance for putting in effort they have no idea how to go about it, perhaps they never will. When you meet someone who you think is special and you decide to do the work of getting to know them and putting yourself out there for them, you do that knowing that they might not reciprocate, you accept failure as a possibility and you choose to take that risk and engage gracefully.

deleted 5y ago
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hnfong 5y ago
It does "just click". I agree meaningful relationships does take work, but it's much more natural than "quitting your job so you can WORK on courting your future-partner FULL TIME".
- Buge 5y ago
  Yeah, I think there's a healthy middle ground between "courting is inherently unhealthy" and "you should quit your job and court full time".
  - tawan 5y ago
    And it doesn’t even have to be conscious decisions either. In my case: I was working for two clients as a freelancer but mid projects it clicked with an exchange student who was about to head back to her home country in two weeks. But it really clicked, such that I neglected my ongoing projects in a really unprofessional manner. I didn’t want to, because I really needed the money, however I just slowly stopped working on the projects so I can spend as much time as possible with this exchange student. And when I wasn’t with her, I was losing sleep thinking of her, even writing songs for her - a prototype courting behavior. Needless to say, my unprofessional behavior came back to bite me years later when I was interviewing and the potential employer was checking references including my former clients. Was that all healthy middle ground? I don’t know. I just know that 10 years later, 5 of those married, and now with two children, I don’t really care :). I'm just as happy as one can be.
meheleventyone 5y ago
For me at least that immediate sexual attraction has definitely worked out very well and resulted in long-term relationships. It probably helps that sex first, questions later is more socially acceptable where I’ve lived than it seems to be in the US. My wife and I didn’t even get married until our kids were 5 and 3. The idea of courting where to put it bluntly you are campaigning to get someone to see you as worthwhile is pretty weird. Which isn’t to say relationships aren’t hard work but that it’s not front-loaded. At least in my experience.

Jensson 5y ago

Either you do the work or they do the work. If "it just clicks" it meant they they did they work and you didn't notice.

barry-cotter 5y ago

I like how you perform the status move of saying that these things come to you without conscious effort, that you just are yourself and women are automatically attracted to you. Very subtle.

SkipperCat 5y ago
Nope, I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about the behavior of some people who thing women "owe" them romance because they perform specific tasks. In this case, it was quitting his job. For many years in the past women have been treated as property, traded off in marriages for family gain. Not just in history but also right now in Afghanistan, women are being sold due to financial calamity. The writer's action of quitting his job can be seen that he gave up something and therefore deserves her affection. Very subtle.
- betwixthewires 5y ago
  Not sure where you're getting this from in the article. The author never once implies that he quit his job to court this woman (although elsewhere on the site he says he wanted to take the time to find a wife, still doesn't imply being owed anything) and there's nothing here along the lines of "I sacrificed my job to spend more time on her and she'd better notice." There are men like that, and women too, and it's bad, but I'm not seeing this from the author of the article at all.

Buge 5y ago

When you meet and it just clicks wouldn't you want to spend time together, plan dates, talk about your future together, send love letters (or texts), give gifts? Wouldn't that be courting? To me it seems courting is just dating with an eye toward marriage, so talking about a potential future together. Your analogies kind of contradict each other. If someone goes hunting for several days but doesn't get a kill, would that person say they're owed an animal? Hunting isn't a transactional activity. Dating/courting aren't transactional either.

SkipperCat 5y ago
I agree. When you like someone, you make it a priority to spend time with them, be nice to them and all that other stuff. What is weird is when you quit your job to court someone. When you make a joke that there is "prophecy" that you and she will be together. On its face, it's pretentious and a laugh, but there's a subtext that if a man makes the decision he wants a women and he performs certain tasks, she has no agency in the manner.

deleted 5y ago

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