4 ms·

Afterwards I feel smashed with depression as I go back to my shit rental house that I’m ashamed of. It may sound like pat advice, but -- maybe you need to star

by vanusa 5y ago

Afterwards I feel smashed with depression as I go back to my shit rental house that I’m ashamed of. It may sound like pat advice, but -- maybe you need to start looking for new friends. The kind who wouldn't think twice coming over to your "shit rental" (which would probably be considered quite rich, not to mention safe and clean in much of the world). Just to hang out with you, watch a movie maybe, and share whatever kind of meal you're able to whip up on your gas stove. Life is to short to be spent in situations of any kind where you feel uncomfortable in your skin. Even if it's not directly the fault of the people you currently hang out with. But a good rule of thumb is: if you don't feel comfortable inviting these people to your home - or even telling them where (and in what circumstances) you live -- it's probably best to start moving on. (And perhaps to other countries where the income distribution is far less skewed, and people are far less hung up on relative wealth and status as they are in the U.S. -- at least for a few years or so, to get over the current anxiety you're facing, and start to feel human again. But that's a side topic).

jaytaylor 5y ago
100% agree with Vanusa. FWIW, the initial boost of happiness derived from living in nice accomodations is shortlived, after a few weeks or a month you'll likely feel about the same as before you got the nicer digs. Once I experienced and internalized this lesson, I was able to stop caring much about my house (just keep it clean and as comfy as possible) and instead focus on the amazing people in my life who genuinely care about connecting with me regardless of fancy house circumstance. In this way it's actually a highly effective filter facilitating minimization of superficial relationships.
- randycupertino 5y ago
  Having moved from a complete rathole apartment to a rental house recently I've come to realize, dammit this is wayyy more work to maintain and clean! This freaking sucks!! I want to go back to a tiny apartment where I didn't have to spend Saturdays cleaning the windows. :P
  - vanusa 5y ago
    But hey, that must have been what you moved to Cupertino for, right?
    - cercatrova 5y ago
      Maybe he actually lives in the spaceship there, it sure would be a lot of windows to clean.
    - legerdemain 5y ago
      People move to Cupertino for the school district, not for the nice house. The houses in Cupertino are, on average, modest and frumpy. Have you actually lived in Cupertino?
      - vanusa 5y ago
        Let's just say Cupertino is in my blood. I wasn't thinking Atherton-scale window cleaning. Just to say -- if you move our of your ratbox and into the land of modest and frumpy, then this is what you should expect.
- pb7 5y ago
  >FWIW, the initial boost of happiness derived from living in nice accomodations is shortlived, after a few weeks or a month you'll likely feel about the same as before you got the nicer digs. That hasn't been my experience. When I found my current place I was ecstatic over it and ~3 years later, I still am just as much. I have no plans of moving out unless I move cities -- it hits the spot that much for me compared to all the previous places I've lived previously.
  - jaytaylor 5y ago
    I wasn't advocating for living in a shithole. Of course you need (and everyone deserves) some base level of comfort!
- luckyscs 5y ago
  Otoh, some apartments save lives.
technothrasher 5y ago
> maybe you need to start looking for new friends. The kind who wouldn't think twice coming over to your "shit rental" I think it's more complicated than that. I'm lucky enough at this point in my life to have enough money to afford a nice house and nice toys, and not worry much about money. I also have absolutely zero issue going to hang out with friends who have much less than me. I really don't care at all. Some of my happiest years were when I was younger and poor. I had just barely enough money to make ends meet most of the time, was living in a back room of a dirty little house with three other roommates, and I was living happy because I liked who I was with. I get that money and real worth are two very different things and enjoy people for who they are, not where they're at. But sometimes I can clearly feel the awkwardness coming at me when I hang out with people who are significantly less well off than I am and they know it. I'm usually not sure how to handle it, and typically end up just not hanging out with them much. I sometimes also find similar situations hanging out with people who have a lot more than I do. With some people it works fine, with others I can tell by what they say and how they act that they're uncomfortable because of the difference.
- SpelingBeeChamp 5y ago
  Have you seen a therapist or talked to your doctor about this? If you haven't, I think that would be a good idea.
  - spoiler 5y ago
    I can't fathom why anyone would downvote this comment. This could be a sign of self-esteem issues (or other stuff; I'm not qualified enough to speculate) that will or already does diminish their quality of life and happiness. And if they "get over" the wealth difference, your brain will find something else. Take it from someone who spent more than two thirds of his life "getting over things" inatead of addressing the root causes. But then again, you're not me or anyone else, you're you. Everyone has their own path, but I shared mine in case it helps you find/improve your own going forward.
thepasswordis 5y ago
>The kind who wouldn't think twice coming over to your "shit rental" Is there any indication that these people don't want to come over to OPs "shit rental"?
- sroussey 5y ago
  This is key. OP may be too embarrassed to invite them over. This is a mistake though, and OP would feel better if they did this.
4641F5232E17 5y ago
It may sound like pat advice, but -- maybe you need to start looking for new friends. This is good advice. However, I also think that you (the OP) also need to change your mindset. For context on myself: I have lived most of my life in your situations like yours, until recently when I became wealthy enough to retire early. As a kid, my family ate government assistance food. There were times when I had to look in the couch cushions for money to buy food. For all of my life, I've known people who are very visibly wealthy. However, I was fortunate enough to learn early to hold wealth in mild disgust and also not make a big deal about it. I encourage you to develop this sort of attitude. As randycupertino mentions above. Not only is the hedonistic treadmill is real, it's actually sort of pathetic. Many people who are rich become sort of helpless. Unable to do simple things like changing a car tire by themselves. Learn to be self sufficient and take pride in it. The other thing to realized is that past a point money won't buy you happiness. And you are in control of where that point is. Now, to add to what vanusa says above. You need new friends. I say this because one of my good friends is very wealthy, but I never once felt bad or envious about it. My friend's parents came from very humble backgrounds and they did a wonderful job at staying grounded and kind. This family didn't brag about money, they wouldn't enthuse whilst telling me of their good fortune. Furthermore, I think it's very tacky and shallow to talk about wealth. Personally, when I became wealthy, my spouse and I agreed to not tell anybody about our wealth. The only people who know the true value of our wealth are me, my spouse, our accountant, the IRS, and God. Certainly, some people have their guesses, but there is no way for people to know the precise details. We still live in the same modest house, drive the same 10 year old car, wear the same clothes, etc. A big reason why we haven't changed our lifestyle is because our friends and family are very important to us and we don't want what was honestly a lucky break to get in the way of those things. To summarize: - I've been in your shoes in the past - You need better friends - You also need to work on yourself and your mindset
- adamredwoods 5y ago
  >> For all of my life, I've known people who are very visibly wealthy. However, I was fortunate enough to learn early to hold wealth in mild disgust and also not make a big deal about it. I encourage you to develop this sort of attitude. The OP is not wealthy enough to develop that attitude. I think that is what wealthy people forget, money does indeed solve many problems. Being poor introduces a number of problems, and if you are not actively there, you quickly forget what it is like. That's okay. I believe that an economic class system exists for a reason. It is easy to interact with people one above or one below your class. Beyond that it becomes more difficult, and requires more energy. It is up to individuals to decide how they want to spend that energy. And the less money someone has, the more energy it takes to do things, and vice versa.

by vanusa 5y ago

jaytaylor 5y ago

100% agree with Vanusa. FWIW, the initial boost of happiness derived from living in nice accomodations is shortlived, after a few weeks or a month you'll likely feel about the same as before you got the nicer digs. Once I experienced and internalized this lesson, I was able to stop caring much about my house (just keep it clean and as comfy as possible) and instead focus on the amazing people in my life who genuinely care about connecting with me regardless of fancy house circumstance. In this way it's actually a highly effective filter facilitating minimization of superficial relationships.

randycupertino 5y ago
Having moved from a complete rathole apartment to a rental house recently I've come to realize, dammit this is wayyy more work to maintain and clean! This freaking sucks!! I want to go back to a tiny apartment where I didn't have to spend Saturdays cleaning the windows. :P
- vanusa 5y ago
  But hey, that must have been what you moved to Cupertino for, right?
  - cercatrova 5y ago
    Maybe he actually lives in the spaceship there, it sure would be a lot of windows to clean.
  - legerdemain 5y ago
    People move to Cupertino for the school district, not for the nice house. The houses in Cupertino are, on average, modest and frumpy. Have you actually lived in Cupertino?
    - vanusa 5y ago
      Let's just say Cupertino is in my blood. I wasn't thinking Atherton-scale window cleaning. Just to say -- if you move our of your ratbox and into the land of modest and frumpy, then this is what you should expect.
pb7 5y ago
>FWIW, the initial boost of happiness derived from living in nice accomodations is shortlived, after a few weeks or a month you'll likely feel about the same as before you got the nicer digs. That hasn't been my experience. When I found my current place I was ecstatic over it and ~3 years later, I still am just as much. I have no plans of moving out unless I move cities -- it hits the spot that much for me compared to all the previous places I've lived previously.
- jaytaylor 5y ago
  I wasn't advocating for living in a shithole. Of course you need (and everyone deserves) some base level of comfort!
luckyscs 5y ago
Otoh, some apartments save lives.

technothrasher 5y ago

> maybe you need to start looking for new friends. The kind who wouldn't think twice coming over to your "shit rental" I think it's more complicated than that. I'm lucky enough at this point in my life to have enough money to afford a nice house and nice toys, and not worry much about money. I also have absolutely zero issue going to hang out with friends who have much less than me. I really don't care at all. Some of my happiest years were when I was younger and poor. I had just barely enough money to make ends meet most of the time, was living in a back room of a dirty little house with three other roommates, and I was living happy because I liked who I was with. I get that money and real worth are two very different things and enjoy people for who they are, not where they're at. But sometimes I can clearly feel the awkwardness coming at me when I hang out with people who are significantly less well off than I am and they know it. I'm usually not sure how to handle it, and typically end up just not hanging out with them much. I sometimes also find similar situations hanging out with people who have a lot more than I do. With some people it works fine, with others I can tell by what they say and how they act that they're uncomfortable because of the difference.

SpelingBeeChamp 5y ago
Have you seen a therapist or talked to your doctor about this? If you haven't, I think that would be a good idea.
- spoiler 5y ago
  I can't fathom why anyone would downvote this comment. This could be a sign of self-esteem issues (or other stuff; I'm not qualified enough to speculate) that will or already does diminish their quality of life and happiness. And if they "get over" the wealth difference, your brain will find something else. Take it from someone who spent more than two thirds of his life "getting over things" inatead of addressing the root causes. But then again, you're not me or anyone else, you're you. Everyone has their own path, but I shared mine in case it helps you find/improve your own going forward.

thepasswordis 5y ago

>The kind who wouldn't think twice coming over to your "shit rental" Is there any indication that these people don't want to come over to OPs "shit rental"?

sroussey 5y ago
This is key. OP may be too embarrassed to invite them over. This is a mistake though, and OP would feel better if they did this.

4641F5232E17 5y ago

It may sound like pat advice, but -- maybe you need to start looking for new friends. This is good advice. However, I also think that you (the OP) also need to change your mindset. For context on myself: I have lived most of my life in your situations like yours, until recently when I became wealthy enough to retire early. As a kid, my family ate government assistance food. There were times when I had to look in the couch cushions for money to buy food. For all of my life, I've known people who are very visibly wealthy. However, I was fortunate enough to learn early to hold wealth in mild disgust and also not make a big deal about it. I encourage you to develop this sort of attitude. As randycupertino mentions above. Not only is the hedonistic treadmill is real, it's actually sort of pathetic. Many people who are rich become sort of helpless. Unable to do simple things like changing a car tire by themselves. Learn to be self sufficient and take pride in it. The other thing to realized is that past a point money won't buy you happiness. And you are in control of where that point is. Now, to add to what vanusa says above. You need new friends. I say this because one of my good friends is very wealthy, but I never once felt bad or envious about it. My friend's parents came from very humble backgrounds and they did a wonderful job at staying grounded and kind. This family didn't brag about money, they wouldn't enthuse whilst telling me of their good fortune. Furthermore, I think it's very tacky and shallow to talk about wealth. Personally, when I became wealthy, my spouse and I agreed to not tell anybody about our wealth. The only people who know the true value of our wealth are me, my spouse, our accountant, the IRS, and God. Certainly, some people have their guesses, but there is no way for people to know the precise details. We still live in the same modest house, drive the same 10 year old car, wear the same clothes, etc. A big reason why we haven't changed our lifestyle is because our friends and family are very important to us and we don't want what was honestly a lucky break to get in the way of those things. To summarize: - I've been in your shoes in the past - You need better friends - You also need to work on yourself and your mindset

adamredwoods 5y ago
>> For all of my life, I've known people who are very visibly wealthy. However, I was fortunate enough to learn early to hold wealth in mild disgust and also not make a big deal about it. I encourage you to develop this sort of attitude. The OP is not wealthy enough to develop that attitude. I think that is what wealthy people forget, money does indeed solve many problems. Being poor introduces a number of problems, and if you are not actively there, you quickly forget what it is like. That's okay. I believe that an economic class system exists for a reason. It is easy to interact with people one above or one below your class. Beyond that it becomes more difficult, and requires more energy. It is up to individuals to decide how they want to spend that energy. And the less money someone has, the more energy it takes to do things, and vice versa.