4 ms·

I'm also a 41 yr old man and I think you sending a mixed message here. Background: I spent 20 years "being a man" in a relationship with a depressed wife. You

• noduerme 5y ago
  Well - I was gonna say, we should get a drink - but here is where I think those old worn-out social roles and gender roles actually serve a purpose. What I'm trying to get at is that we had role models in our lives - I think about my dad or my uncles, who were tough men - who had no fucking clue what they were doing but they just did it. They were rocks for the people in their lives. And I look at these sort of excuses for boys now, i.e. men in their 20s who want to claim female sensitivity and let it override their relationships with women (who they treat as mothers, to wash and cook, like boys in Italy treat their girlfriends) and at the same time make a claim to woke/expanded mindfulness. Jesus fucking Christ. It's a joke because it's total male insecurity masquerading as sensitivity protected by a claim to righteous identity. Sorry. That wasn't to your point, that was just a rant about what I see so much of in relationships these days, since 2015 or so. Since you were allowed to redefine your identity as a victim even or especially if you were oppressive toward your partner. To your point, I don't know how to say this except that you are a man. You don't have to tell yourself that or always be it, or be right (ever) or be strong (usually). You just are. And fuck yeah, in this particular situation, it's hard on your mental health. I stored it up for ten years and finally said, without thinking, "you never give anything back, you just take", to my girlfriend, when she was ... let me abbreviate. I always knew when she was about to go into a depressive state. I wouldn't usually tell her, but I could set my watch to it. Sometimes I'd make the mistake of saying - while we were out having a good time at a party - "in an hour you're going to crash and attack me, and not get out of bed for days." And she never believed me. And it always happened like that. Sorry man, I'm just not able to take all of this and put it into a logical inline post in response to something. This happened and continues to happen, and what you call it or what I call it is pretty stupid to argue about. To me it's being a man, but, not like I have to fake it, just, I have to suck it up. These gender roles serve well because, just imagine if you or I had a nervous breakdown. We're not allowed that.
  • mnsc 5y ago
    I'm fully aware I'm projecting now! But I'm interpreting your mixed signals and incoherent rambling are some kind of ad hoc beacon signaling out-of-band "it's fucking hard and I don't know what to do, send help" but the framing you are in can't allow you to say that out loud because that is not "sucking it up". So you'll go on believing that the gender roles serve you well because "at least I'm not having a nervous breakdown". Until you do. And then I hope, you'll seek and accept help. For me, seeking help came in the form of starting doing work in the context of a national movement affiliated with the global movement Men Engage. But that movement see the traditional gender roles more as harmful rather than serving a purpose like you believe so I'm guessing that's not it for you. http://menengage.org/about-us/what-we-believe/ http://menengage.org/about-us/what-we-believe/