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I suffer from depression and oscillate between days of high productivity and days of listlessness. I am a fairly decent programmer who has cracked FAANG intervi

by nus07 5y ago

I suffer from depression and oscillate between days of high productivity and days of listlessness. I am a fairly decent programmer who has cracked FAANG interviews and got PIPed out of one in the past mostly due to my depression . I now work at a job which pays me well but is nowhere close to FAANG levels and I am fine with that because I need a job that allows me the 1-2 days in two weeks where I can barely do anything . My spouse has had to deal with all this and also my outbursts and lying on the couch doing nothing . I recognize how patient she has been and tried to help me. I tend to get critical of her and blame her. I have finally started seeing a therapist and know I am in the wrong . But it feels very hard to fight the bad feelings which has been worse since the death of a parent during Covid and another aging parent while I am stuck in another country unable to travel.

rancar2 5y ago
I’ve know people to read or listen to Feeling Good in similar circumstances and find relief. Given that you are already seeing a therapist, this may help accelerate that transition from surviving to thriving. It’s a journey taken one step at a time, sometimes forward and sometimes backward. Being kind to yourself and giving yourself lots of time to go beyond the surviving state gives one the best chance. I wish you all the best in the journey.
ir123 5y ago
Hi, I'm pretty much in the same situation. I have bursts of high productivity and then periods where I cant get out of bed. It's not bipolar because it's not random, there are things that trigger the change. I also had offers from FAANG but I purposely did not take it because I know myself and I know that these companies are not forgiving. I did something much more risky and moved to an ecommerce firm in Europe. I thought this company would be forgiving and the competition would be less. Boy was I wrong, people are competent here and I was already given a warning. I had one of my triggers and now I'm extremely tired all the time and cannot get out of bed. My mind is working at 30 percent and all the work I have done in last 4 months have been because of short 1-2 hours of productivity bursts. It gets sooo stressful to work, but I try really hard just to avoid an embarassing pip and avoid losing my visa. My family back at home depends on my money. I keep contemplating going back home but I cannot make up my mind. Any advice will be appreciated.
- mietek 5y ago
  > It's not bipolar because it's not random, there are things that trigger the change. I am not a mental health professional, and neither are you. Perhaps you can use the opportunity that you have right now, living in Europe, to access free public health services, and seek professional advice.
- mqnfred 5y ago
  Immigrating alone to a previously unknown country is very hard. I did it with my spouse and we struggled a lot. I also had to stay in my job for 5+ years to keep my visa, I am just out of it now. I also struggle with on-off work ethic. Mostly depends on how interesting the work is (after 6 years it often is not.) The best advice I have is to find ways to entertain yourself (in ways that make you grow, OR NOT) aside from the job. Looks like you’re thinking about it A LOT, for understandable reasons.
- supernovae 5y ago
  Seek out a therapist. Do a once-a-week session. It will help you a lot. There are also online systems that are more group based, where you run through sessions but have guides online that can help - i found those great for me to help find ways to cope with things - not as being depressed but avoiding depression in everything else that is going on. (I have a bi polar kid who attempted suicide) I'm in tech, been in similar shoes. Besides therapy, I found going for walks to be exactly what I needed. Don't do ANYTHING but walk. After you get a few walks, don't bring music but instead listen to an audio book of a book that you have been itching to read/finish. Take as LONG as you need to finish it - it's not a race. But sooner or later, you may find yourself walking more to listen to that audio book and you may find your spirits lifted when you stop to pause and live in the moment on the walk. Walking can also change you from those doldrum times of floating in and out of work to busting out productivity a lot more - because it gives you the freedom and headspace to have clarity. Whatever you do, don't fall into the "manage it all" trap. Humans and our brains are complex systems, we have to give them space to work. Buying shit to track your day, track everything, graph everything, be extremely detail oriented just adds anxiety into the mix. Give yourself room and space. Listen to music that feeds that room and space. I've grown to love to mess with synthesizers because the sound is full of space and dimensions and movement even if it's stupid simple and you can get it all growly and fun - but warm being a tech guy i see so many people burn out more because they buy a smart watch to track stuff and smart phone to track stuff and they try and journal everything and review everything - but that becomes more work and distracts you from the headspace we all desperately need. as for going home, I'd start with a visit (when safe to do so). If found out that home is what i make of it and living where my family lived wasnt home anymore and there was nothing wrong with that - but i absolutely love visiting my family whenever I can and that was the hard thing with holidays this year - not doing that again. I had a potential covid exposure and my dad is mid 70s so i didn't want to risk being the one to spread it.
hackerfromthefu 5y ago
Sounds like your partner has been good to you as you said you recognize it. After that you said you tend to be critical or blame her. I hope you show her the appreciation to make it good :) For you both :)

by nus07 5y ago

rancar2 5y ago

I’ve know people to read or listen to Feeling Good in similar circumstances and find relief. Given that you are already seeing a therapist, this may help accelerate that transition from surviving to thriving. It’s a journey taken one step at a time, sometimes forward and sometimes backward. Being kind to yourself and giving yourself lots of time to go beyond the surviving state gives one the best chance. I wish you all the best in the journey.

ir123 5y ago

Hi, I'm pretty much in the same situation. I have bursts of high productivity and then periods where I cant get out of bed. It's not bipolar because it's not random, there are things that trigger the change. I also had offers from FAANG but I purposely did not take it because I know myself and I know that these companies are not forgiving. I did something much more risky and moved to an ecommerce firm in Europe. I thought this company would be forgiving and the competition would be less. Boy was I wrong, people are competent here and I was already given a warning. I had one of my triggers and now I'm extremely tired all the time and cannot get out of bed. My mind is working at 30 percent and all the work I have done in last 4 months have been because of short 1-2 hours of productivity bursts. It gets sooo stressful to work, but I try really hard just to avoid an embarassing pip and avoid losing my visa. My family back at home depends on my money. I keep contemplating going back home but I cannot make up my mind. Any advice will be appreciated.

mietek 5y ago
> It's not bipolar because it's not random, there are things that trigger the change. I am not a mental health professional, and neither are you. Perhaps you can use the opportunity that you have right now, living in Europe, to access free public health services, and seek professional advice.
mqnfred 5y ago
Immigrating alone to a previously unknown country is very hard. I did it with my spouse and we struggled a lot. I also had to stay in my job for 5+ years to keep my visa, I am just out of it now. I also struggle with on-off work ethic. Mostly depends on how interesting the work is (after 6 years it often is not.) The best advice I have is to find ways to entertain yourself (in ways that make you grow, OR NOT) aside from the job. Looks like you’re thinking about it A LOT, for understandable reasons.
supernovae 5y ago
Seek out a therapist. Do a once-a-week session. It will help you a lot. There are also online systems that are more group based, where you run through sessions but have guides online that can help - i found those great for me to help find ways to cope with things - not as being depressed but avoiding depression in everything else that is going on. (I have a bi polar kid who attempted suicide) I'm in tech, been in similar shoes. Besides therapy, I found going for walks to be exactly what I needed. Don't do ANYTHING but walk. After you get a few walks, don't bring music but instead listen to an audio book of a book that you have been itching to read/finish. Take as LONG as you need to finish it - it's not a race. But sooner or later, you may find yourself walking more to listen to that audio book and you may find your spirits lifted when you stop to pause and live in the moment on the walk. Walking can also change you from those doldrum times of floating in and out of work to busting out productivity a lot more - because it gives you the freedom and headspace to have clarity. Whatever you do, don't fall into the "manage it all" trap. Humans and our brains are complex systems, we have to give them space to work. Buying shit to track your day, track everything, graph everything, be extremely detail oriented just adds anxiety into the mix. Give yourself room and space. Listen to music that feeds that room and space. I've grown to love to mess with synthesizers because the sound is full of space and dimensions and movement even if it's stupid simple and you can get it all growly and fun - but warm being a tech guy i see so many people burn out more because they buy a smart watch to track stuff and smart phone to track stuff and they try and journal everything and review everything - but that becomes more work and distracts you from the headspace we all desperately need. as for going home, I'd start with a visit (when safe to do so). If found out that home is what i make of it and living where my family lived wasnt home anymore and there was nothing wrong with that - but i absolutely love visiting my family whenever I can and that was the hard thing with holidays this year - not doing that again. I had a potential covid exposure and my dad is mid 70s so i didn't want to risk being the one to spread it.

hackerfromthefu 5y ago

Sounds like your partner has been good to you as you said you recognize it. After that you said you tend to be critical or blame her. I hope you show her the appreciation to make it good :) For you both :)