5 ms·

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right cho

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a lot; sleeping on the sofa every night. I felt very, very bad about leaving, but I just could not cope and wondered what would happen for the rest of my life either. As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. I just wish someone would tell me that I did the right thing, and am not a monstrous human, failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need.

kingkawn 5y ago
You did the right thing.
ciphol 5y ago
You did the right thing, as the apparently unanimous consent of every you know indicates.
kayodelycaon 5y ago
As far as I can tell, you tried as much as you could and failed. If you don’t take care of yourself, you now have two people in trouble. In my book, you did the right thing. (I’m bipolar, if that helps.)
ceedan 5y ago
It sounds like you did the right thing
bachmeier 5y ago
> failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need Genuine question here. What do you mean when you talk about "failing a partner"? It seems like everyone in this type of relationship hesitates to leave because they think they'll damage the other person. It doesn't sound from what you've written that your partner was doing so well when you were with them. Have you considered that maybe part of the depression was caused by their relationship with you? (Obviously I'm not saying that is the case, but reading your post, you seem to be of the opinion that your relationship was a good thing for your ex-partner.)
throwawayboise 5y ago
A relationship is a two party deal. If one party isn't holding up his/her half, for whatever reason, including mental illness, and isn't taking steps to improve, there isn't much to be done. One person alone can't make a relationship work.
DoreenMichele 5y ago
FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.
- PinkMilkshake 5y ago
  I thought having multiple conflicting emotions/beliefs/desires was like 99% of the human experience and the source of almost all art, philosophy, etc. (I'm being somewhat hyperbolic)
- BHSPitMonkey 5y ago
  When somebody says "I choose to believe ___", it means they are not actually convinced of that thing (i.e. that it is hopeful/wishful thinking). For what it's worth, GP, I think you did the right thing too.
- ineedasername 5y ago
  I'm not confused at someone being conflicted about a past action, especially a very hard decision. It also seems rational to hope that any negative consequences were minimal.
  - DoreenMichele 5y ago
    I'm an internet stranger. I know nothing of their life but what they have said here and me patting them on the head is unlikely to be of any help. But sometimes reflecting back to someone what they just said about their own life is helpful for them. Perhaps not in this case, given the downvotes and pile on of replies. Anytime you try to help, it risks going sideways. I'm prone to trying anyway. Chalk it up to longstanding bad habit (insert wry smile).
    - quickthrower2 5y ago
      Easy to come across the wrong way online where if you said the same thing in person with tone and emphasis it may be ok. I’ve fallen for that trap a few times and so now I even delete comments before posting as if I think “maybe my intent wont come across correctly here”. I think the problem with the comment (the one starting FWIW) is it comes off a bit sarcastic even if you didn’t mean that.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
spaetzleesser 5y ago
"As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. " That has been my experience too when I left my partner.

kingkawn 5y ago

You did the right thing.

ciphol 5y ago

You did the right thing, as the apparently unanimous consent of every you know indicates.

kayodelycaon 5y ago

As far as I can tell, you tried as much as you could and failed. If you don’t take care of yourself, you now have two people in trouble. In my book, you did the right thing. (I’m bipolar, if that helps.)

ceedan 5y ago

It sounds like you did the right thing

bachmeier 5y ago

> failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need Genuine question here. What do you mean when you talk about "failing a partner"? It seems like everyone in this type of relationship hesitates to leave because they think they'll damage the other person. It doesn't sound from what you've written that your partner was doing so well when you were with them. Have you considered that maybe part of the depression was caused by their relationship with you? (Obviously I'm not saying that is the case, but reading your post, you seem to be of the opinion that your relationship was a good thing for your ex-partner.)

throwawayboise 5y ago

A relationship is a two party deal. If one party isn't holding up his/her half, for whatever reason, including mental illness, and isn't taking steps to improve, there isn't much to be done. One person alone can't make a relationship work.

DoreenMichele 5y ago

FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.

PinkMilkshake 5y ago
I thought having multiple conflicting emotions/beliefs/desires was like 99% of the human experience and the source of almost all art, philosophy, etc. (I'm being somewhat hyperbolic)
BHSPitMonkey 5y ago
When somebody says "I choose to believe ___", it means they are not actually convinced of that thing (i.e. that it is hopeful/wishful thinking). For what it's worth, GP, I think you did the right thing too.
ineedasername 5y ago
I'm not confused at someone being conflicted about a past action, especially a very hard decision. It also seems rational to hope that any negative consequences were minimal.
- DoreenMichele 5y ago
  I'm an internet stranger. I know nothing of their life but what they have said here and me patting them on the head is unlikely to be of any help. But sometimes reflecting back to someone what they just said about their own life is helpful for them. Perhaps not in this case, given the downvotes and pile on of replies. Anytime you try to help, it risks going sideways. I'm prone to trying anyway. Chalk it up to longstanding bad habit (insert wry smile).
  - quickthrower2 5y ago
    Easy to come across the wrong way online where if you said the same thing in person with tone and emphasis it may be ok. I’ve fallen for that trap a few times and so now I even delete comments before posting as if I think “maybe my intent wont come across correctly here”. I think the problem with the comment (the one starting FWIW) is it comes off a bit sarcastic even if you didn’t mean that.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

spaetzleesser 5y ago

"As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. " That has been my experience too when I left my partner.