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A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 2

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

bananamerica 5y ago
I'd say: it is okay to leave your depressed partner as long as they're not suicidal at the moment. Staying just for their sake will be worse in the long run. I have bipolar depression.
azalemeth 5y ago
I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a lot; sleeping on the sofa every night. I felt very, very bad about leaving, but I just could not cope and wondered what would happen for the rest of my life either. As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. I just wish someone would tell me that I did the right thing, and am not a monstrous human, failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need.
- kingkawn 5y ago
  You did the right thing.
- ciphol 5y ago
  You did the right thing, as the apparently unanimous consent of every you know indicates.
- kayodelycaon 5y ago
  As far as I can tell, you tried as much as you could and failed. If you don’t take care of yourself, you now have two people in trouble. In my book, you did the right thing. (I’m bipolar, if that helps.)
- ceedan 5y ago
  It sounds like you did the right thing
- bachmeier 5y ago
  > failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need Genuine question here. What do you mean when you talk about "failing a partner"? It seems like everyone in this type of relationship hesitates to leave because they think they'll damage the other person. It doesn't sound from what you've written that your partner was doing so well when you were with them. Have you considered that maybe part of the depression was caused by their relationship with you? (Obviously I'm not saying that is the case, but reading your post, you seem to be of the opinion that your relationship was a good thing for your ex-partner.)
- throwawayboise 5y ago
  A relationship is a two party deal. If one party isn't holding up his/her half, for whatever reason, including mental illness, and isn't taking steps to improve, there isn't much to be done. One person alone can't make a relationship work.
- DoreenMichele 5y ago
  FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.
  - PinkMilkshake 5y ago
    I thought having multiple conflicting emotions/beliefs/desires was like 99% of the human experience and the source of almost all art, philosophy, etc. (I'm being somewhat hyperbolic)
  - BHSPitMonkey 5y ago
    When somebody says "I choose to believe ___", it means they are not actually convinced of that thing (i.e. that it is hopeful/wishful thinking). For what it's worth, GP, I think you did the right thing too.
  - ineedasername 5y ago
    I'm not confused at someone being conflicted about a past action, especially a very hard decision. It also seems rational to hope that any negative consequences were minimal.
    - DoreenMichele 5y ago
      I'm an internet stranger. I know nothing of their life but what they have said here and me patting them on the head is unlikely to be of any help. But sometimes reflecting back to someone what they just said about their own life is helpful for them. Perhaps not in this case, given the downvotes and pile on of replies. Anytime you try to help, it risks going sideways. I'm prone to trying anyway. Chalk it up to longstanding bad habit (insert wry smile).
      - quickthrower2 5y ago
        Easy to come across the wrong way online where if you said the same thing in person with tone and emphasis it may be ok. I’ve fallen for that trap a few times and so now I even delete comments before posting as if I think “maybe my intent wont come across correctly here”. I think the problem with the comment (the one starting FWIW) is it comes off a bit sarcastic even if you didn’t mean that.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- spaetzleesser 5y ago
  "As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. " That has been my experience too when I left my partner.
kayodelycaon 5y ago
There isn’t a right answer here. At some point, you have to take care of yourself. My extended family spent far too many years helping my bipolar uncle.
rsyring 5y ago
- roberto 5y ago
  First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were. Second, you have no idea what they've gone through, no understanding of their pain. If you have nothing constructive to say, no empathy, just shut up.
  - rsyring 5y ago
    > First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were. The comment said "spouse" so married. So we are in agreement that what's in the vows actually matter? > just shut up. Yah...how about not doing that here: https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
    - skellera 5y ago
      I don’t think everyone sees marriage the same way. Vows are not morally or legally binding. It’s good if people want to take them seriously but people leave each other for lesser things than decades long depression.
      - throwawayboise 5y ago
        Vows are absolutely morally binding. That's why they are taken. But they are taken together, mutually.
        luckyscs 5y ago
        Not everyone does English, christian vows. Most people in the world don't.
- Werewolf255 5y ago
  Pretty sure 'put up with spousal abuse and neglect' isn't in the vows but that sure doesn't seem to stop a number of people from inflicting it on their partners, ad infinitum.
aantix 5y ago
Dido wrote the song "Quiet Times" about this topic.. "Now I miss you, Now I want you, But I can't have you, Even when you're here" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOd-rz8lDXQ&list=PLhMrEC5L8T4FmbQP78B5gzEJhwJ1LNH_Z&index=9 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOd-rz8lDXQ&list=PLhMrEC5L8T...
- bpiche 5y ago
  Wow, that's a great song. Thanks for sharing that.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
spaetzleesser 5y ago
I left a partner who has OCD and probably some other issues that cause massive mood swings and make her do a lot of irrational things. I tried for years to help and be understanding. It never really got better, never ending ending, often self-made problems kept coming and it reached a point where I felt either we go both down or I have to leave. So I left. I feel guilty to some degree but it was also clear that I couldn't help. The interesting part is that me leaving her seems to have woken her up and she has a much better attitude now. This makes me wonder if putting people with mental problems into a new situation away from family can break some of the negative patterns. My sister used to live with my parents for many years, barely left the home besides for work and in general just hated life. Then she went to a six month stationery treatment and you could see with very visit how she did better. Now she has her own place and an OK life . Maybe family or partners can prolong mental problems? Even if they want to help it's possible they are also contributing to the problem.
- cm2012 5y ago
  Kafka's The Metamorphosis explores this a bit. The protag, before the story starts, is relied upon by his mom, dad and sister for everything. Once he becomes a bug they become self sufficient again.
  - sausageman 5y ago
    If you consider selling your daughter off for marriage self sufficiency sure.
    - cm2012 5y ago
      At the time that was the ideal outcome, a young woman from that time and place would consider it a disaster if they weren't married by age 25.
- batshit_beaver 5y ago
  As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety for decades, huge crises like a partner leaving or getting fired (both due to depression and anxiety) have always forced me to get better at handling my issues. I totally am of the opinion that family, friends, and partners can all be huge enablers of really awful behaviors that feed or even cause mental illness. Not only that, it's not their job to make the sick person better. They can't. Only the person with the issues can learn to address them. That said, I've also seriously contemplated suicide in all these times of crisis, and I'm guessing a certain percentage of people in this type of situation won't make it through. Whether it's ethical to force them to deal with an even more awful reality in hopes that they'll become stronger is questionable, but I believe it's sometimes necessary, because many people with depression/anxiety don't really live anyway. I'm personally glad that not everyone tolerated my unhealthy lifestyle and outlook on life, otherwise I'd still be living with my parents without a job and without having seen anything other than the inside of my bedroom.
noduerme 5y ago
- joeman1000 5y ago
  This is such a block-headed view and I hope no one reading will actually take it to heart. Mens emotions and mental health are just as valid as a woman’s. Absolutely hypocritical and dangerous viewpoint to hold.
  - noduerme 5y ago
    Nah, it's been the default view of all of humanity for the past few hundred thousand years. I opened and closed by saying it was stone-aged, but it isn't without merit just because it's suddenly out of fashion. And as far as being "dangerous", it's not physically dangerous. Or, no more so than a woman staying with a man who takes his depression out on her. Which is a very dangerous thing, indeed. It's all good to say it's a block-headed view, but it ain't hypocritical (it would need to be self-contradictory for that), and there are lots of other views besides the "right one" - yours? What's that? - that people reading should take to heart. One of which is that men who can't hold their shit together are by definition more dangerous and harmful than women who can't.
    - hackerfromthefu 5y ago
      Equal rights, Equal responsibilities. It's not just block-headed its much worse its plainly abusive to half the human race
      - noduerme 5y ago
        More like respectful. Men have more power whether we want to or not. Being a depressed bum is the same as replacing the abusive asshole father your girlfriend grew up with, so, try not to be that.
    - gjulianm 5y ago
      > Or, no more so than a woman staying with a man who takes his depression out on her. Which is a very dangerous thing, indeed. So by your own words, you agree that telling men to stay with women who take their depression out on them is a dangerous thing. > One of which is that men who can't hold their shit together are by definition more dangerous and harmful than women who can't. By which definition? You're completely wrong here. The problem isn't that it's an "old times view", it's that it's dangerous and sexist.
hnarayanan 5y ago
I’m a left spouse. My mental health was (and is) poor and I didn’t do enough to help myself. I fully acknowledge why I was left and I’m trying to be better.

bananamerica 5y ago

I'd say: it is okay to leave your depressed partner as long as they're not suicidal at the moment. Staying just for their sake will be worse in the long run. I have bipolar depression.

azalemeth 5y ago

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a lot; sleeping on the sofa every night. I felt very, very bad about leaving, but I just could not cope and wondered what would happen for the rest of my life either. As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. I just wish someone would tell me that I did the right thing, and am not a monstrous human, failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need.

kingkawn 5y ago
You did the right thing.
ciphol 5y ago
You did the right thing, as the apparently unanimous consent of every you know indicates.
kayodelycaon 5y ago
As far as I can tell, you tried as much as you could and failed. If you don’t take care of yourself, you now have two people in trouble. In my book, you did the right thing. (I’m bipolar, if that helps.)
ceedan 5y ago
It sounds like you did the right thing
bachmeier 5y ago
> failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need Genuine question here. What do you mean when you talk about "failing a partner"? It seems like everyone in this type of relationship hesitates to leave because they think they'll damage the other person. It doesn't sound from what you've written that your partner was doing so well when you were with them. Have you considered that maybe part of the depression was caused by their relationship with you? (Obviously I'm not saying that is the case, but reading your post, you seem to be of the opinion that your relationship was a good thing for your ex-partner.)
throwawayboise 5y ago
A relationship is a two party deal. If one party isn't holding up his/her half, for whatever reason, including mental illness, and isn't taking steps to improve, there isn't much to be done. One person alone can't make a relationship work.
DoreenMichele 5y ago
FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.
- PinkMilkshake 5y ago
  I thought having multiple conflicting emotions/beliefs/desires was like 99% of the human experience and the source of almost all art, philosophy, etc. (I'm being somewhat hyperbolic)
- BHSPitMonkey 5y ago
  When somebody says "I choose to believe ___", it means they are not actually convinced of that thing (i.e. that it is hopeful/wishful thinking). For what it's worth, GP, I think you did the right thing too.
- ineedasername 5y ago
  I'm not confused at someone being conflicted about a past action, especially a very hard decision. It also seems rational to hope that any negative consequences were minimal.
  - DoreenMichele 5y ago
    I'm an internet stranger. I know nothing of their life but what they have said here and me patting them on the head is unlikely to be of any help. But sometimes reflecting back to someone what they just said about their own life is helpful for them. Perhaps not in this case, given the downvotes and pile on of replies. Anytime you try to help, it risks going sideways. I'm prone to trying anyway. Chalk it up to longstanding bad habit (insert wry smile).
    - quickthrower2 5y ago
      Easy to come across the wrong way online where if you said the same thing in person with tone and emphasis it may be ok. I’ve fallen for that trap a few times and so now I even delete comments before posting as if I think “maybe my intent wont come across correctly here”. I think the problem with the comment (the one starting FWIW) is it comes off a bit sarcastic even if you didn’t mean that.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
spaetzleesser 5y ago
"As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. " That has been my experience too when I left my partner.

kayodelycaon 5y ago

There isn’t a right answer here. At some point, you have to take care of yourself. My extended family spent far too many years helping my bipolar uncle.

rsyring 5y ago

roberto 5y ago
First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were. Second, you have no idea what they've gone through, no understanding of their pain. If you have nothing constructive to say, no empathy, just shut up.
- rsyring 5y ago
  > First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were. The comment said "spouse" so married. So we are in agreement that what's in the vows actually matter? > just shut up. Yah...how about not doing that here: https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
  - skellera 5y ago
    I don’t think everyone sees marriage the same way. Vows are not morally or legally binding. It’s good if people want to take them seriously but people leave each other for lesser things than decades long depression.
    - throwawayboise 5y ago
      Vows are absolutely morally binding. That's why they are taken. But they are taken together, mutually.
      - luckyscs 5y ago
        Not everyone does English, christian vows. Most people in the world don't.
Werewolf255 5y ago
Pretty sure 'put up with spousal abuse and neglect' isn't in the vows but that sure doesn't seem to stop a number of people from inflicting it on their partners, ad infinitum.

aantix 5y ago

Dido wrote the song "Quiet Times" about this topic.. "Now I miss you, Now I want you, But I can't have you, Even when you're here" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOd-rz8lDXQ&list=PLhMrEC5L8T4FmbQP78B5gzEJhwJ1LNH_Z&index=9 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOd-rz8lDXQ&list=PLhMrEC5L8T...

bpiche 5y ago
Wow, that's a great song. Thanks for sharing that.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

spaetzleesser 5y ago

I left a partner who has OCD and probably some other issues that cause massive mood swings and make her do a lot of irrational things. I tried for years to help and be understanding. It never really got better, never ending ending, often self-made problems kept coming and it reached a point where I felt either we go both down or I have to leave. So I left. I feel guilty to some degree but it was also clear that I couldn't help. The interesting part is that me leaving her seems to have woken her up and she has a much better attitude now. This makes me wonder if putting people with mental problems into a new situation away from family can break some of the negative patterns. My sister used to live with my parents for many years, barely left the home besides for work and in general just hated life. Then she went to a six month stationery treatment and you could see with very visit how she did better. Now she has her own place and an OK life . Maybe family or partners can prolong mental problems? Even if they want to help it's possible they are also contributing to the problem.

cm2012 5y ago
Kafka's The Metamorphosis explores this a bit. The protag, before the story starts, is relied upon by his mom, dad and sister for everything. Once he becomes a bug they become self sufficient again.
- sausageman 5y ago
  If you consider selling your daughter off for marriage self sufficiency sure.
  - cm2012 5y ago
    At the time that was the ideal outcome, a young woman from that time and place would consider it a disaster if they weren't married by age 25.
batshit_beaver 5y ago
As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety for decades, huge crises like a partner leaving or getting fired (both due to depression and anxiety) have always forced me to get better at handling my issues. I totally am of the opinion that family, friends, and partners can all be huge enablers of really awful behaviors that feed or even cause mental illness. Not only that, it's not their job to make the sick person better. They can't. Only the person with the issues can learn to address them. That said, I've also seriously contemplated suicide in all these times of crisis, and I'm guessing a certain percentage of people in this type of situation won't make it through. Whether it's ethical to force them to deal with an even more awful reality in hopes that they'll become stronger is questionable, but I believe it's sometimes necessary, because many people with depression/anxiety don't really live anyway. I'm personally glad that not everyone tolerated my unhealthy lifestyle and outlook on life, otherwise I'd still be living with my parents without a job and without having seen anything other than the inside of my bedroom.

noduerme 5y ago

joeman1000 5y ago
This is such a block-headed view and I hope no one reading will actually take it to heart. Mens emotions and mental health are just as valid as a woman’s. Absolutely hypocritical and dangerous viewpoint to hold.
- noduerme 5y ago
  Nah, it's been the default view of all of humanity for the past few hundred thousand years. I opened and closed by saying it was stone-aged, but it isn't without merit just because it's suddenly out of fashion. And as far as being "dangerous", it's not physically dangerous. Or, no more so than a woman staying with a man who takes his depression out on her. Which is a very dangerous thing, indeed. It's all good to say it's a block-headed view, but it ain't hypocritical (it would need to be self-contradictory for that), and there are lots of other views besides the "right one" - yours? What's that? - that people reading should take to heart. One of which is that men who can't hold their shit together are by definition more dangerous and harmful than women who can't.
  - hackerfromthefu 5y ago
    Equal rights, Equal responsibilities. It's not just block-headed its much worse its plainly abusive to half the human race
    - noduerme 5y ago
      More like respectful. Men have more power whether we want to or not. Being a depressed bum is the same as replacing the abusive asshole father your girlfriend grew up with, so, try not to be that.
  - gjulianm 5y ago
    > Or, no more so than a woman staying with a man who takes his depression out on her. Which is a very dangerous thing, indeed. So by your own words, you agree that telling men to stay with women who take their depression out on them is a dangerous thing. > One of which is that men who can't hold their shit together are by definition more dangerous and harmful than women who can't. By which definition? You're completely wrong here. The problem isn't that it's an "old times view", it's that it's dangerous and sexist.

hnarayanan 5y ago

I’m a left spouse. My mental health was (and is) poor and I didn’t do enough to help myself. I fully acknowledge why I was left and I’m trying to be better.