6 ms·

I’ve been depressed for 6 or 7 years. I’m 23 now. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to end. I’ve been in a challenging episode for the past few weeks. I have bee

I’ve been depressed for 6 or 7 years. I’m 23 now. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to end. I’ve been in a challenging episode for the past few weeks. I have been fortunate to be able to take a week and a half off work. I thought it would be relaxing, but all I’ve done is lay in bed. My girlfriend lives with me, and I feel so guilty and embarrassed. I wouldn’t want to be with me. I don’t think my problems are ever going away. It’s been years, and every aspect of my life is way better than when this all started. Except my mental health. I still feel just as shitty as I did 6 years ago. I’ve started to look at life like a party that I reluctantly agreed to attend. I’m at the party, and I’m having a bad time. I just want to go home. My vacation is over and I’ll be signing on to work in about 14 hours. I don’t think I’ll get much done. I’ve been thinking about checking myself into a hospital, but I’ve been there and didn’t find it very effective. Loving someone with depression is depressing. I’m sorry to all of you loving people like me. (posted on a throwaway because it’s too embarrassing to associate with my main, and I’ve actually had online comments like this used against me in the past)

breatheandfocus 5y ago
You said something that I have experienced as well: > I don’t think my problems are ever going away. It’s been years, and every aspect of my life is way better than when this all started. Except my mental health. I still feel just as shitty as I did 6 years ago. I became very aware that my mental health was in very bad shape about 6 years ago. Ever since then I have been on a journey to try and understand why, because, as you stated, every aspect of my life (for the most part), expect my mental health, was better than when I became very aware of the problems. I don't know if this will apply to you, but, on the chance that it does or that it applies to someone else, I wanted to share some articles and videos that helped me better understand what I have been going through: 1. http://www.ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/ http://www.ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/ 2. That same website has a handful of other articles I found helpful: http://www.ocdspecialists.com/blog/ http://www.ocdspecialists.com/blog/ 3. Therapist Answers: "What is Congruent Depression?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDhqTf5eJH4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDhqTf5eJH4 Take care everyone.
- kindadepressing 5y ago
  Thanks for sharing your experience and these resources. I read/watched each of them. The OCD ones were especially interesting — I actually clicked around to some of the other articles on that site. I relate very much to the “obsessive” bits, but not so much to the “compulsion”. I spend a stupid amount of time thinking of past events, worrying about my mental health, and rehearsing imaginary conversations. I also obsess heavily about aspects of my girlfriend’s past, and this is something that has been observed by my therapist. I don’t know that I would qualify as OCD, though. Congruent depression is something I wonder about a lot, although I haven’t heard it described in those terms before. I most often think about it in the context of Johann Hari’s TED Talk [1]. If I have congruent depression, it’s because I’m lonely. At the same time, I have no desire to hang out with people. This problem has really been exacerbated by Covid since I’ve been working remotely. I used to get “enough” social interaction from being in the office, but now I haven’t seen any of my coworkers in nearly 2 years. Thanks again for sharing. Would love to hear more of your thoughts if anything else comes to mind. [1]: https://youtube.com/watch?v=MB5IX-np5fE https://youtube.com/watch?v=MB5IX-np5fE
rubicon33 5y ago
Hey there... As someone who is now in their mid 30's, but whos depression started in their early 20s, let me beg you - do not wait to get treatment. It won't go away, and it will take years from you. Don't let it take what should be some of the best years of your life. If you don't approach depression as a disease that needs treatment, then you will resist doing anything about it and it will silently suck the joy out of existing. Whatever you can do to preserve a positive outlook and a happy disposition I believe you SHOULD do. If you aren't enjoying your life then you are effectively not living. You're young enough now that you have the ability to dramatically reduce the damage that depression can do to your life, and trust me it can do serious damage.
- kindadepressing 5y ago
  Hey, thanks for your response. It’s heartening to see someone who cares for the well-being of strangers. Not to be even more of a downer, but… I feel like I’m running out of options. I’ve tried Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, and Remeron, prescribed by 3 different doctors. I’ve seen 6 different therapists. I’m extremely privileged to say that I’m currently seeing a Stanford PhD out-of-network weekly. I’ve heavily experimented with psychedelics, and while they’ve given me a much greater appreciation for arts and humanities as well as a curiosity about this universe, they haven’t made me want to be alive. I’ve experimented with ketamine recreationally, too. I don’t know what to do. Nothing helps. I’m thinking of trying TMS, but I’m really skeptical of that. Part of me wonders if I have what your sibling commenter describes as “congruent depression” — depression which is expected given the circumstances of one’s life. There is one aspect of my life which is lacking: social connection. I feel lonely, but it’s hard to tell if this is the cause of my depression. Even if it is, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t really like talking to people — I’m very introverted and also talking to people makes me very anxious. It’s even more difficult because of Covid. Your comment really hits close to home. I’m not living. There is no joy. And I can see, very slowly, the damage which is being done. Thanks again for your response.
  - rubicon33 5y ago
    It really does pain me to know that anyone, including yourself, suffers with depression. It's an illness which I would not wish onto even my worst enemy, because of how cruel it really is. You are living life, but you are not truly alive. Depression kills you day by day. I'm sorry that none of the treatments have worked for you. I can understand how that leaves you feeling very little hope. It may provide some comfort to know however, that it is often a problem of finding the one treatment that works. It's a crude science of essentially trial and error, but there should still be some hope that you can find some combination of medication and therapy that will help. Don't give up on your search. It's a matter of life and death. The social aspect very well could be a major factor for you. Given you have tried so many medications, that does lead one to wonder if it's not some chemical imbalance but rather a deep void left by a feeling of disconnectedness from social circles. In that case, you owe it to yourself to work on this. Work on becoming more social. Just like learning to ride a bike, or learning geometry, you can learn to be more social. Do it for your mental health. I fully understand how it feels to hear the words "work" as someone with depression. It's the great conundrum of the disease - you have no energy, no willpower, no drive, nothing. Giving advice to "work on yourself" is well, bad advice frankly. But that's where therapy, and medication, can give you the little "boost" that you need to start putting in the work to your personal life where it's needed most. How to be social is about finding your community, your people.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]

breatheandfocus 5y ago

You said something that I have experienced as well: > I don’t think my problems are ever going away. It’s been years, and every aspect of my life is way better than when this all started. Except my mental health. I still feel just as shitty as I did 6 years ago. I became very aware that my mental health was in very bad shape about 6 years ago. Ever since then I have been on a journey to try and understand why, because, as you stated, every aspect of my life (for the most part), expect my mental health, was better than when I became very aware of the problems. I don't know if this will apply to you, but, on the chance that it does or that it applies to someone else, I wanted to share some articles and videos that helped me better understand what I have been going through: 1. http://www.ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/ http://www.ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/ 2. That same website has a handful of other articles I found helpful: http://www.ocdspecialists.com/blog/ http://www.ocdspecialists.com/blog/ 3. Therapist Answers: "What is Congruent Depression?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDhqTf5eJH4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDhqTf5eJH4 Take care everyone.

kindadepressing 5y ago
Thanks for sharing your experience and these resources. I read/watched each of them. The OCD ones were especially interesting — I actually clicked around to some of the other articles on that site. I relate very much to the “obsessive” bits, but not so much to the “compulsion”. I spend a stupid amount of time thinking of past events, worrying about my mental health, and rehearsing imaginary conversations. I also obsess heavily about aspects of my girlfriend’s past, and this is something that has been observed by my therapist. I don’t know that I would qualify as OCD, though. Congruent depression is something I wonder about a lot, although I haven’t heard it described in those terms before. I most often think about it in the context of Johann Hari’s TED Talk [1]. If I have congruent depression, it’s because I’m lonely. At the same time, I have no desire to hang out with people. This problem has really been exacerbated by Covid since I’ve been working remotely. I used to get “enough” social interaction from being in the office, but now I haven’t seen any of my coworkers in nearly 2 years. Thanks again for sharing. Would love to hear more of your thoughts if anything else comes to mind. [1]: https://youtube.com/watch?v=MB5IX-np5fE https://youtube.com/watch?v=MB5IX-np5fE

rubicon33 5y ago

Hey there... As someone who is now in their mid 30's, but whos depression started in their early 20s, let me beg you - do not wait to get treatment. It won't go away, and it will take years from you. Don't let it take what should be some of the best years of your life. If you don't approach depression as a disease that needs treatment, then you will resist doing anything about it and it will silently suck the joy out of existing. Whatever you can do to preserve a positive outlook and a happy disposition I believe you SHOULD do. If you aren't enjoying your life then you are effectively not living. You're young enough now that you have the ability to dramatically reduce the damage that depression can do to your life, and trust me it can do serious damage.

kindadepressing 5y ago
Hey, thanks for your response. It’s heartening to see someone who cares for the well-being of strangers. Not to be even more of a downer, but… I feel like I’m running out of options. I’ve tried Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, and Remeron, prescribed by 3 different doctors. I’ve seen 6 different therapists. I’m extremely privileged to say that I’m currently seeing a Stanford PhD out-of-network weekly. I’ve heavily experimented with psychedelics, and while they’ve given me a much greater appreciation for arts and humanities as well as a curiosity about this universe, they haven’t made me want to be alive. I’ve experimented with ketamine recreationally, too. I don’t know what to do. Nothing helps. I’m thinking of trying TMS, but I’m really skeptical of that. Part of me wonders if I have what your sibling commenter describes as “congruent depression” — depression which is expected given the circumstances of one’s life. There is one aspect of my life which is lacking: social connection. I feel lonely, but it’s hard to tell if this is the cause of my depression. Even if it is, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t really like talking to people — I’m very introverted and also talking to people makes me very anxious. It’s even more difficult because of Covid. Your comment really hits close to home. I’m not living. There is no joy. And I can see, very slowly, the damage which is being done. Thanks again for your response.
- rubicon33 5y ago
  It really does pain me to know that anyone, including yourself, suffers with depression. It's an illness which I would not wish onto even my worst enemy, because of how cruel it really is. You are living life, but you are not truly alive. Depression kills you day by day. I'm sorry that none of the treatments have worked for you. I can understand how that leaves you feeling very little hope. It may provide some comfort to know however, that it is often a problem of finding the one treatment that works. It's a crude science of essentially trial and error, but there should still be some hope that you can find some combination of medication and therapy that will help. Don't give up on your search. It's a matter of life and death. The social aspect very well could be a major factor for you. Given you have tried so many medications, that does lead one to wonder if it's not some chemical imbalance but rather a deep void left by a feeling of disconnectedness from social circles. In that case, you owe it to yourself to work on this. Work on becoming more social. Just like learning to ride a bike, or learning geometry, you can learn to be more social. Do it for your mental health. I fully understand how it feels to hear the words "work" as someone with depression. It's the great conundrum of the disease - you have no energy, no willpower, no drive, nothing. Giving advice to "work on yourself" is well, bad advice frankly. But that's where therapy, and medication, can give you the little "boost" that you need to start putting in the work to your personal life where it's needed most. How to be social is about finding your community, your people.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]