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My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed

My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to love them, but that seemed a long time ago and there was no hope of ever feeling again. I thought about suicide often, but my inability to get motivated prevented me from carrying it out. I once had a bounce of energy so I started planning to kill myself and the weird thing was, that I felt the happiest I had ever felt in my life. It was such a feeling of peace and joy that it would soon be over. Fortunately for me, my family would not tolerate me in this condition and forced to me to get out of bed and dragged me to doctors and checked me into mental health units until we found the right doctor who perscribed the right medication that worked. Turns out typical anti-depressants don't work on me because I am bipolar and was experiencing bipolar depression. It's been three years of recovery now and I am very happy. I take my quatiepine every night and get the sleep I need so I don't relaspe into mania and then depression. My family is not sophisticated about mental illness. They would rather not think about it. But the one thing they did is to refuse to let me remain in that state and forced me to take action.

joflicu 5y ago
How do you manage the side-effects (especially weight gain) from quatiepine? My best wishes to you.
- okareaman 5y ago
  I'm lucky I only need a low dose (50 mg) but you're right, the weight gain is a drag. At least I have the energy now to excercise, so I have normal problems, thank god.
  - YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo 5y ago
    You must be bp2 and take it more for sedation because the anti psychotic effect only manifests on higher doses.
    - okareaman 5y ago
      I've been diagnosed both bp1 and bp2 by different doctors. You're right, I use it mostly for sleep. Being able to sleep has been a godsend.
- kayodelycaon 5y ago
  I’m on quetiapine, but don’t have weight gain. I do have issues with my balance and motor control. If I get dehydrated, my blood sugar gets low, or I get too tired, I can lose the ability to drive. Not drive safely. Drive at all. As a precaution, I always have extra food, water, and medication with me all the time. I plan trips so I don’t get into problems. And I have friends who will drive me home. Which I did have one do early in my treatment because I didn’t know all this yet. My psychiatrist has me on additional medication twice a day to help with both motor control and muscle pain. Works pretty well. I’ve learned that feeling one strand of muscle being tight in my arms or chest is a warning I’m getting dehydrated. At that point, I have about half an hour before I’ll start having problems. Note: If you’re worried about my ability to drive. It’s not an issue. The symptoms are very obvious to me and it about an hour to get that bad. Anyone who is diabetic deals with the same kind of issues.
  - okareaman 5y ago
    I think you'll be alright because you are very aware of your condition. That's really how I am too. I'm always checking in with myself like that song in The Big Lebowski - "The condition of my condition is good." There's aways Uber. After I wrote my comment I thought of something weird. California sent me a tax bill every month. Every month I would ignore it and every month it would go up due to fines. Finally California siezed my bank account and cleaned it out, all $13,000, leaving me destitute. What I thought was weird was my reaction. I didn't care. I was watching it happen like watching a fly walk across the cieling - with complete indifference. So here's something else family can do - ask to see the bills.
magpi3 5y ago
Thank you for sharing. That takes a lot of courage, and it is very helpful to hear a story like this with a positive outcome.
- okareaman 5y ago
  > helpful to hear a story like this with a positive outcome That's why I shared, because it's important for family and sufferers know that people do recover. I don't share under my real name, although I would like to, because some people are really frightened and prejudiced against bipolar people. Maybe from a bad experience. Not all bipolars get psychotic and think they're Jesus who can fly.
  - Maursault 5y ago
    > Not all bipolars get psychotic and think they're Jesus who can fly. Every once in a while a local paper somewhere runs an article about someone running down the street naked claiming they were Jesus. Dollars to doughnuts it's an undiagnosed bipolar patient having a psychotic episode. The flying is probably from Reefer Madness, I believe, but you were undoubtedly speaking in hyperbole to sarcastically feign sympathy for some idiot for irrationally fearing a bipolar patient like they were equivalent to the absurdly exaggerated pot-crazed teenager diving through a window to their death because they were so stoned they believed they were a chicken and could fly.
bigyikes 5y ago
Did you always know it was bipolar depression? If not, what eventually made you realize it was bipolar depression and not major depression?
- asveikau 5y ago
  Not op, but I lived with a bipolar patient and had a relative who was schizoaffective, bipolar subtype. It's pretty common for bipolar patients to be misdiagnosed as having depression because mania or hypomania "feels good" and they don't seek treatment until they crash into a depressive episode. Or sometimes the mania just emerges later in life, as the course of the illness can vary and develop over the years, so maybe in the earlier phase it is more mistakable for unipolar depression. Lastly, antidepressants can trigger a manic episode in bipolar patients.
  - R0b0t1 5y ago
    I see a lot of people talking about their bipolar diagnosis that has no or very little manic component. Why call it bipolar then? It's just cyclical major depression.
    - r_hoods_ghost 5y ago
      Because it's not just cyclical major depression (and there's no "just" to major depression either, but that's another rant). The diagnostic criteria for bipolar is that you have had at least one extended episode of mania or hypomania alongside a depressive episode, so you're not going to have the diagnosis unless you've been manic or hypomanic at some point. Although it may not be a major or dominant part of someone's presentation, mania or hypomania is nevertheless there and it effects what treatments are appropriate. Certain SSRI's may trigger off hypomania or mania in a bipolar patient, or simply be utterly ineffective, whereas in someone with cyclical major depression their response would be different. I'm bipolar II and spend roughly 1/4 to 1/3rd of my life meeting the criteria for major depression but very rarely have hypomanic episodes, and this was the case even before I was on lithium. Indeed I've gone for years in between major hypomanic episodes. But hoo boy! When they hit there is no mistaking them. The other thing is that unlike with depression where you have to squint really hard to see much of an effect from most treatments, there are reasonably effective treatments for mania and hypomania, including good old lithium. So if you're being treated, while you might still suffer from regular bouts of depression, you'll likely have much reduced or even eliminated hypomanic or manic symptoms. So it's not unusual to see manic depressives who are treated showing very few manic symptoms for years on end.
YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo 5y ago
Hey, you are not alone with BP and there is a really great BP discord server. We have real support groups running two times a day. I encourage everyone with BP to join it. https://discord.gg/rbipolar2 https://discord.gg/rbipolar2
- okareaman 5y ago
  Great, I'll check it out.
- emptysongglass 5y ago
  Anyone who reads this who also knows a community for Borderline people, I'd appreciate it! I'm one of the few Borderline people I know who sought out therapy (most actively reject it, choosing to believe the lies our mind tells us that our problems are the problems of others) and seeking a community of those so afflicted also in recovery.
  - Den-vr 5y ago
    That'd be really helpful. I hope there is one.
- solididiot 5y ago
  thanks for sharing that
agumonkey 5y ago
I have a question regarding crippling depression. When I hit the wall, I never got fully bed ridden, I was able to force myself out (also the fact that my heart couldn't operate well when horizontal gave me another reason). I had to mentally plan, calculate and monitor every move (moving one finger, grabbing a spoon) sluggishly. But at times my brain just ..shut. I would collapse on a table.. not due to fatigue or pain, not like fainting or narcolepsia, it was something else, like neurological surrendering because there was no notion of aim anymore. Has it happened to you that way ? or anyone else ? It's long gone but still I'm unsurprisingly curious.
- thalassophobia 5y ago
  I had something like that during my worst depressive episode. I just collapsed on the table during work because I couldn't make myself do anything, including sitting.
- okareaman 5y ago
  Yes, I've experienced that while locked up in the psyche ward. My brain just shut down. I would stare at the food at the end of my fork for what seemed like 10's of minutes. I didn't care. I knew I was in a safe place so I just went with it. It feels like the biochemical equivalent of a dead battery. They gave me a drug cocktail (I don't know what) that restored me to normal function. Part of my motivation of writing my original comment was because I realized that the author of the article made a mistake. I'm not blaming the author because I've made the same mistake and I've seen it made often. I never really thought about it much. The mistake is trying to explain depression in terms the non-depressed family could understand. He even used that common metaphor of being in a dark tunnel. Everyone can relate to being in a dark tunnel, right? That's the problem. Then they think of terms that they can relate to and are more tempted to blame the depressed person for not just "getting up" like they've done when they were in a dark tunnel. It occurred to me without really being conscious of it that the correct way to describe depression is in terms they do not understand. That way they'd see depression correctly, as something really abnormal and serious. I wanted to show that the depressed person was incapable of thinking in any way helpful for others or themselves. I wanted them to see it like you might see a man sitting on the tracks when a train is approaching and not only refusing to move, but seeming disinterested in it and almost content to die. It's shocking but it's true. It's so far out of the normal band, unlike the dark tunnel. Family are not powerless and should get into action. Push that man off the track!
nuq 5y ago
- mft_ 5y ago
  If this is how little understanding and empathy you have for mental illness, why not just keep out of discussions on the topic altogether? You’d make the world a marginally less bad place, if you did.
- leokennis 5y ago
  Ah yes, the classic “if you’re depressed, stop being depressed!” comment. Very helpful. Your comment has inspired me: my brother broke his leg, and just now I texted him to stop being so fragile and just go out for a run. That ought to fix it!
okareaman 5y ago
I just remembered an Onion post from a long ago that speaks to what I'm saying. People can and should do something even if the depressed person says to go away and leave them alone. Nobody wants to be rude or be a bother, but sometimes it's an emergency situation and people should give themselves permission to act. Parents Of Suicide Victim Saw It Coming A Mile Away https://www.theonion.com/parents-of-suicide-victim-saw-it-coming-a-mile-away-1819564851 https://www.theonion.com/parents-of-suicide-victim-saw-it-co...

joflicu 5y ago

How do you manage the side-effects (especially weight gain) from quatiepine? My best wishes to you.

okareaman 5y ago
I'm lucky I only need a low dose (50 mg) but you're right, the weight gain is a drag. At least I have the energy now to excercise, so I have normal problems, thank god.
- YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo 5y ago
  You must be bp2 and take it more for sedation because the anti psychotic effect only manifests on higher doses.
  - okareaman 5y ago
    I've been diagnosed both bp1 and bp2 by different doctors. You're right, I use it mostly for sleep. Being able to sleep has been a godsend.
kayodelycaon 5y ago
I’m on quetiapine, but don’t have weight gain. I do have issues with my balance and motor control. If I get dehydrated, my blood sugar gets low, or I get too tired, I can lose the ability to drive. Not drive safely. Drive at all. As a precaution, I always have extra food, water, and medication with me all the time. I plan trips so I don’t get into problems. And I have friends who will drive me home. Which I did have one do early in my treatment because I didn’t know all this yet. My psychiatrist has me on additional medication twice a day to help with both motor control and muscle pain. Works pretty well. I’ve learned that feeling one strand of muscle being tight in my arms or chest is a warning I’m getting dehydrated. At that point, I have about half an hour before I’ll start having problems. Note: If you’re worried about my ability to drive. It’s not an issue. The symptoms are very obvious to me and it about an hour to get that bad. Anyone who is diabetic deals with the same kind of issues.
- okareaman 5y ago
  I think you'll be alright because you are very aware of your condition. That's really how I am too. I'm always checking in with myself like that song in The Big Lebowski - "The condition of my condition is good." There's aways Uber. After I wrote my comment I thought of something weird. California sent me a tax bill every month. Every month I would ignore it and every month it would go up due to fines. Finally California siezed my bank account and cleaned it out, all $13,000, leaving me destitute. What I thought was weird was my reaction. I didn't care. I was watching it happen like watching a fly walk across the cieling - with complete indifference. So here's something else family can do - ask to see the bills.

magpi3 5y ago

Thank you for sharing. That takes a lot of courage, and it is very helpful to hear a story like this with a positive outcome.

okareaman 5y ago
> helpful to hear a story like this with a positive outcome That's why I shared, because it's important for family and sufferers know that people do recover. I don't share under my real name, although I would like to, because some people are really frightened and prejudiced against bipolar people. Maybe from a bad experience. Not all bipolars get psychotic and think they're Jesus who can fly.
- Maursault 5y ago
  > Not all bipolars get psychotic and think they're Jesus who can fly. Every once in a while a local paper somewhere runs an article about someone running down the street naked claiming they were Jesus. Dollars to doughnuts it's an undiagnosed bipolar patient having a psychotic episode. The flying is probably from Reefer Madness, I believe, but you were undoubtedly speaking in hyperbole to sarcastically feign sympathy for some idiot for irrationally fearing a bipolar patient like they were equivalent to the absurdly exaggerated pot-crazed teenager diving through a window to their death because they were so stoned they believed they were a chicken and could fly.

bigyikes 5y ago

Did you always know it was bipolar depression? If not, what eventually made you realize it was bipolar depression and not major depression?

asveikau 5y ago
Not op, but I lived with a bipolar patient and had a relative who was schizoaffective, bipolar subtype. It's pretty common for bipolar patients to be misdiagnosed as having depression because mania or hypomania "feels good" and they don't seek treatment until they crash into a depressive episode. Or sometimes the mania just emerges later in life, as the course of the illness can vary and develop over the years, so maybe in the earlier phase it is more mistakable for unipolar depression. Lastly, antidepressants can trigger a manic episode in bipolar patients.
- R0b0t1 5y ago
  I see a lot of people talking about their bipolar diagnosis that has no or very little manic component. Why call it bipolar then? It's just cyclical major depression.
  - r_hoods_ghost 5y ago
    Because it's not just cyclical major depression (and there's no "just" to major depression either, but that's another rant). The diagnostic criteria for bipolar is that you have had at least one extended episode of mania or hypomania alongside a depressive episode, so you're not going to have the diagnosis unless you've been manic or hypomanic at some point. Although it may not be a major or dominant part of someone's presentation, mania or hypomania is nevertheless there and it effects what treatments are appropriate. Certain SSRI's may trigger off hypomania or mania in a bipolar patient, or simply be utterly ineffective, whereas in someone with cyclical major depression their response would be different. I'm bipolar II and spend roughly 1/4 to 1/3rd of my life meeting the criteria for major depression but very rarely have hypomanic episodes, and this was the case even before I was on lithium. Indeed I've gone for years in between major hypomanic episodes. But hoo boy! When they hit there is no mistaking them. The other thing is that unlike with depression where you have to squint really hard to see much of an effect from most treatments, there are reasonably effective treatments for mania and hypomania, including good old lithium. So if you're being treated, while you might still suffer from regular bouts of depression, you'll likely have much reduced or even eliminated hypomanic or manic symptoms. So it's not unusual to see manic depressives who are treated showing very few manic symptoms for years on end.

YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo 5y ago

Hey, you are not alone with BP and there is a really great BP discord server. We have real support groups running two times a day. I encourage everyone with BP to join it. https://discord.gg/rbipolar2 https://discord.gg/rbipolar2

okareaman 5y ago
Great, I'll check it out.
emptysongglass 5y ago
Anyone who reads this who also knows a community for Borderline people, I'd appreciate it! I'm one of the few Borderline people I know who sought out therapy (most actively reject it, choosing to believe the lies our mind tells us that our problems are the problems of others) and seeking a community of those so afflicted also in recovery.
- Den-vr 5y ago
  That'd be really helpful. I hope there is one.
solididiot 5y ago
thanks for sharing that

agumonkey 5y ago

I have a question regarding crippling depression. When I hit the wall, I never got fully bed ridden, I was able to force myself out (also the fact that my heart couldn't operate well when horizontal gave me another reason). I had to mentally plan, calculate and monitor every move (moving one finger, grabbing a spoon) sluggishly. But at times my brain just ..shut. I would collapse on a table.. not due to fatigue or pain, not like fainting or narcolepsia, it was something else, like neurological surrendering because there was no notion of aim anymore. Has it happened to you that way ? or anyone else ? It's long gone but still I'm unsurprisingly curious.

thalassophobia 5y ago
I had something like that during my worst depressive episode. I just collapsed on the table during work because I couldn't make myself do anything, including sitting.
okareaman 5y ago
Yes, I've experienced that while locked up in the psyche ward. My brain just shut down. I would stare at the food at the end of my fork for what seemed like 10's of minutes. I didn't care. I knew I was in a safe place so I just went with it. It feels like the biochemical equivalent of a dead battery. They gave me a drug cocktail (I don't know what) that restored me to normal function. Part of my motivation of writing my original comment was because I realized that the author of the article made a mistake. I'm not blaming the author because I've made the same mistake and I've seen it made often. I never really thought about it much. The mistake is trying to explain depression in terms the non-depressed family could understand. He even used that common metaphor of being in a dark tunnel. Everyone can relate to being in a dark tunnel, right? That's the problem. Then they think of terms that they can relate to and are more tempted to blame the depressed person for not just "getting up" like they've done when they were in a dark tunnel. It occurred to me without really being conscious of it that the correct way to describe depression is in terms they do not understand. That way they'd see depression correctly, as something really abnormal and serious. I wanted to show that the depressed person was incapable of thinking in any way helpful for others or themselves. I wanted them to see it like you might see a man sitting on the tracks when a train is approaching and not only refusing to move, but seeming disinterested in it and almost content to die. It's shocking but it's true. It's so far out of the normal band, unlike the dark tunnel. Family are not powerless and should get into action. Push that man off the track!

nuq 5y ago

mft_ 5y ago
If this is how little understanding and empathy you have for mental illness, why not just keep out of discussions on the topic altogether? You’d make the world a marginally less bad place, if you did.
leokennis 5y ago
Ah yes, the classic “if you’re depressed, stop being depressed!” comment. Very helpful. Your comment has inspired me: my brother broke his leg, and just now I texted him to stop being so fragile and just go out for a run. That ought to fix it!

okareaman 5y ago

I just remembered an Onion post from a long ago that speaks to what I'm saying. People can and should do something even if the depressed person says to go away and leave them alone. Nobody wants to be rude or be a bother, but sometimes it's an emergency situation and people should give themselves permission to act. Parents Of Suicide Victim Saw It Coming A Mile Away https://www.theonion.com/parents-of-suicide-victim-saw-it-coming-a-mile-away-1819564851 https://www.theonion.com/parents-of-suicide-victim-saw-it-co...