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Not the same as the article, but very similar... I know someone who has social anxiety that drives them from social events, but also makes it difficult for the

Not the same as the article, but very similar... I know someone who has social anxiety that drives them from social events, but also makes it difficult for them to do small talk. So instead, they read. A lot. Literature, science, philosophy, gardening... That's where the next problem comes in. They find some fascinating fact and think "this is so interesting, next time I'm tongue tied, I'll remember to mention it!". That's when they realise that most people want to talk about what they ate for breakfast, who won the sports event, what their 6 year old said to teacher, whether some famous person is an asshole or not. Not a lot of people want to get down into the belly of a complex subject, debate the finer points of some issue. And that's fine, but my friend just can't do that type of conversation for more than a minute or two before going completely blank and then making some excuse for moving on. Worse, there are people who take offence at intellectual conversation. Anything from mild annoyance ("huh? What are you talking about?") to outright insult ("Oh, somebody swallowed a dictionary" / "You think you're so smart") As someone else pointed out, you can go online and try to find like minded people, but that can be so toxic. And not just the wider internet, but specialist groups that have a lot in common. Why, a knitting group ended up front page on the internet a while back because they tore each other apart in the middle of some purity spiral.

Lio 5y ago
It's one kind of soul crushing to realise that the thing you find so fascinating is not something random others can or want to engage with. It's quite another to find out later you've been ridiculed to others for trying to discuss it at all. :D Before the internet this kind of "nerd bashing" was just the standard way of the world and you would probably grow a thicker skin without realising it. Life became a bit more colourful and interesting when we could connect with people all over the world. It really was a seismic shift for a lot of people.
jkaptur 5y ago
> That's when they realise that most people want to talk about what they ate for breakfast… This is said pejoratively, but people want to talk about these things because it allows for a two-sided conversation, rather than a unasked-for lecture from someone who’s read ten Wikipedia pages on the topic. > Not a lot of people want to get down into the belly of a complex subject My experience is the opposite. People love to do this, when 1) they know something about the topic AND 2) you are genuinely interested in their thoughts. The “sports event” probably has more complexity and depth than you expect. Why not (literally) meet people where they are?
- raffraffraff 5y ago
  So I'll answer this from my own perspective as someone with zero social anxiety: I won't meet someone "where they are" if where they are is "Did you see the game last night?". Because they can and will have that same boring conversation with 5 people today. The difference is, I can say "What game? Oh, no, I don't follow sports at all .." but then continue talking about other stuff, and nobody feels awkward. The problem with social anxiety is that it's extremely difficult to just shoot the shit, and when you're trying to be the other end of an intensely boring conversation, for the sake of conversation, you end up looking at yourself from the third person, judging how badly you're feigning interest and failing at being human being. Which is why you store up interesting things for the next conversation, and the process just repeats itself.
  - jkaptur 5y ago
    Thanks for explaining this. I feel like I have a better understanding.
  - larve 5y ago
    As someone who cares 0 for sports, and I was in a conversation with that person, assuming the context lends itself to more than just smalltalk, i would ask any of the: - ice hockey? i don't know much about ice hockey, what are the rules / what makes team X so good - do you play sports yourself? what do you like? - what made you get into watching sports / how often / with whom? Either you get a sports nerd that can talk at length about games and rules and training and teams and athletes, which is fascinating in a very nerdy way. Or you get someone who plays X with their kid, or has a small dad softball team, at which point you can ask what the other dads do, get a glimpse of a social network outside of your horizon. Or you can get into someone's love of sport and what situations it helped them overcome in their life. I've had the "did you watch the game last night" conversation at airport bars and I learned so about other people from them. Knowing that people I would at first file under "loud schmuck with a basketball shirt" turns into someone who's been training every day trying to keep prison and addiction at bay is immensely intellectually enriching .
    - 5y ago
niels_bom 5y ago
Maybe I live in a bubble but I can not remember anyone being offended about someone moving to an intellectual subject in a conversation, ever.

Lio 5y ago

It's one kind of soul crushing to realise that the thing you find so fascinating is not something random others can or want to engage with. It's quite another to find out later you've been ridiculed to others for trying to discuss it at all. :D Before the internet this kind of "nerd bashing" was just the standard way of the world and you would probably grow a thicker skin without realising it. Life became a bit more colourful and interesting when we could connect with people all over the world. It really was a seismic shift for a lot of people.

jkaptur 5y ago

> That's when they realise that most people want to talk about what they ate for breakfast… This is said pejoratively, but people want to talk about these things because it allows for a two-sided conversation, rather than a unasked-for lecture from someone who’s read ten Wikipedia pages on the topic. > Not a lot of people want to get down into the belly of a complex subject My experience is the opposite. People love to do this, when 1) they know something about the topic AND 2) you are genuinely interested in their thoughts. The “sports event” probably has more complexity and depth than you expect. Why not (literally) meet people where they are?

raffraffraff 5y ago
So I'll answer this from my own perspective as someone with zero social anxiety: I won't meet someone "where they are" if where they are is "Did you see the game last night?". Because they can and will have that same boring conversation with 5 people today. The difference is, I can say "What game? Oh, no, I don't follow sports at all .." but then continue talking about other stuff, and nobody feels awkward. The problem with social anxiety is that it's extremely difficult to just shoot the shit, and when you're trying to be the other end of an intensely boring conversation, for the sake of conversation, you end up looking at yourself from the third person, judging how badly you're feigning interest and failing at being human being. Which is why you store up interesting things for the next conversation, and the process just repeats itself.
- jkaptur 5y ago
  Thanks for explaining this. I feel like I have a better understanding.
- larve 5y ago
  As someone who cares 0 for sports, and I was in a conversation with that person, assuming the context lends itself to more than just smalltalk, i would ask any of the: - ice hockey? i don't know much about ice hockey, what are the rules / what makes team X so good - do you play sports yourself? what do you like? - what made you get into watching sports / how often / with whom? Either you get a sports nerd that can talk at length about games and rules and training and teams and athletes, which is fascinating in a very nerdy way. Or you get someone who plays X with their kid, or has a small dad softball team, at which point you can ask what the other dads do, get a glimpse of a social network outside of your horizon. Or you can get into someone's love of sport and what situations it helped them overcome in their life. I've had the "did you watch the game last night" conversation at airport bars and I learned so about other people from them. Knowing that people I would at first file under "loud schmuck with a basketball shirt" turns into someone who's been training every day trying to keep prison and addiction at bay is immensely intellectually enriching .
  - 5y ago

niels_bom 5y ago

Maybe I live in a bubble but I can not remember anyone being offended about someone moving to an intellectual subject in a conversation, ever.