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Sometimes you have to crawl through a river of shit to come out clean on the other side. I have suffered from overachiever syndrome / high functioning assholene

Sometimes you have to crawl through a river of shit to come out clean on the other side. I have suffered from overachiever syndrome / high functioning assholeness for most of my life. Constant doing, constant striving, constant movement, rare moments of nothingness, rare moments of celebration. More hobbies than I can count. It all led to some decent career and life success. And also stress. And anger. And rage. And self-defeating patterns. Eventually I began to learn how my mind works. Backed off the gas a bit. Took steps to do less, not more. Made a commitment to either go hard on an activity (new biz idea, project, hobby) or kill it. Focus became my north star. Free, open play with no agenda is my Atlantis. Meditate. Therapy. White russians on a Tuesday morning. Read some Bukowski, some Vonnegut, maybe some Easton-Ellis. The real breakthrough happened when I removed the attachment that had grown like an umbilical cord between me and work. I love work. I fear being anything less than perfect. Those were hard fucking opponents to tussle with. But I write this from the other side, and it's really comfortable here.

leetrout 5y ago
This resonates. The anger and rage are personal.
openfuture 5y ago
Well said. I'd say the first time you try to overcome your shame is the hardest. Now I see a path that leads to where you are sitting, it's all built on hard work in the end though.
pojzon 5y ago
Question - do you have children ? Just curious, coz Im a in similar situation, my perfectionism is killing me and my prospects for being a good father.
- Disruptive_Dave 5y ago
  First one just turned two. I waited until I was 40 to have a child for this reason. I wasn't ready. I didn't trust my relationships with my demons. I didn't want to burden her with my shit. Still got a whole lotta unbecoming to do, but having her around definitely keeps that flame lit under my ass. There's a wonderful buddhist mindset of looking at difficulties or challenging situations and labeling them as "this is my guru" and that's what I've done with her. She's holding up a very untarnished mirror to my behavior and lifestyle 24/7. Edit: It's worth noting that my perfectionism turned on fatherhood means I'm a motherfucker of a dad. The key is to use that energy wisely, don't let it get out of control like it did with me. That's a really special gift we both have. Just learn to dance with it.
  - nopenopenopeno 5y ago
    So far, it sounds like I’m younger you. I’m 35 and the last few years have been Hell, but damn I have grown a lot. Been learning all these lessons the hard way. And I’ve held off on children for the same reasons.
    - beaker52 5y ago
      If you're him, then I'm the 33 year old you.
phist_mcgee 5y ago
- NhanH 5y ago
  The form might looks similar, but the substance is much different than the bullshitters on Linkedin. In fact, the bs-ers/ influencers wannabe all want to copy from posts like this, which is why they look similar. I don’t agree with your assessment of the post being self aggrandizement. How would you write a honest post on sharing your life experience that doesn’t focus on yourself?
- Shared404 5y ago
  > To all the downvoters, please engage me on my question. Commenting on votes is annoying. But let me try. > This reads like a bad form of new age neoliberal linkedin self aggrandisement. How is "I realized my toxic perfectionism/work drive was making me act like a horrible person" either a neoliberal^WNeoliberal or linkedin^WLinkedIn type position? Especially the LinkedIn aspect, where this person started was LinkedIn's golden child. And how is it self aggrandisement^Waggrandizement? GP realized what they were doing wrong, documented how they had made progress, and noted that they have more progress to make? > I am sorry, but what is your point? Their point was twofold. First, it was pointing out the way they take care of themselves, like OP asked. Second, it was pointing out a way many of us on HN struggle, and a way to help us move past that. Edit: Removed personal attack. It was uncalled for, and I apologize. Also fix phrasing in a couple places.
- junon 5y ago
  This looks nothing like the garbage on Linkedin, not sure what you're talking about. It's a direct, solicited response to the question posed at the top of this page - and a very genuine one at that.
junon 5y ago
If I didn't know better, I might think I'd have written this without remembering it. Resonates hard. Thanks for sharing.
0x008 5y ago
I wholeheartedly agree. Whenever I stepped off the gas - as you say -, I found that subsequently I made an order of magnitude more progress than when I was pushing myself. If there is only one skill we could ever learn in life, I would suggest it is understanding our own mind.
- calculated 5y ago
  Any books, videos, etc. you'd suggest to us in order to aquire the skill of understanding our own brain? I'm asking for some path to go down and lead me to this understanding I'm aware that in the end it's all up to oneself.
  - cassianoleal 5y ago
    I'm not GP but I'll make a suggestion I have already on a different, although somewhat related thread. Anything in the warrior literature will help you find yourself, your limitations and help unlock your potential. Way of the Peaceful Warrior, by Dan Millmann, is a very good introduction to the whole subject. It's fairly easy to read but absolutely full of little gems of wisdom if you're willing to see them. Once you get that, look for the heavier stuff.
    - calculated 5y ago
      Thanks mate appreciate it a lot!
  - Disruptive_Dave 5y ago
    Above any sort of passive learning is doing - meditation. This is a contact sport. No different from weight training. Beyond that, I would recommend "10% Happier" as it is very pragmatic and belief agnostic. Good for newcomers. Next, I'd recommend "Buddhism Plain And Simple" (Steve Hagen). You do not need to follow Buddhism or have any intention to engage with it as a philosophy to wring a ton of value from the book re: how the mind works.
leros 5y ago
This this 100%. I discovered I had extreme work addiction. Working my job, working on my 20 hobbies, starting side projects, etc. As with many addictions, working all the time is often a coping mechanism for something else. For me it was childhood trauma I had not processed. Getting a therapist helped immensely. Letting go of work, focusing on just a few interests,and having downtime has made my life so much better.

leetrout 5y ago

This resonates. The anger and rage are personal.

openfuture 5y ago

Well said. I'd say the first time you try to overcome your shame is the hardest. Now I see a path that leads to where you are sitting, it's all built on hard work in the end though.

pojzon 5y ago

Question - do you have children ? Just curious, coz Im a in similar situation, my perfectionism is killing me and my prospects for being a good father.

Disruptive_Dave 5y ago
First one just turned two. I waited until I was 40 to have a child for this reason. I wasn't ready. I didn't trust my relationships with my demons. I didn't want to burden her with my shit. Still got a whole lotta unbecoming to do, but having her around definitely keeps that flame lit under my ass. There's a wonderful buddhist mindset of looking at difficulties or challenging situations and labeling them as "this is my guru" and that's what I've done with her. She's holding up a very untarnished mirror to my behavior and lifestyle 24/7. Edit: It's worth noting that my perfectionism turned on fatherhood means I'm a motherfucker of a dad. The key is to use that energy wisely, don't let it get out of control like it did with me. That's a really special gift we both have. Just learn to dance with it.
- nopenopenopeno 5y ago
  So far, it sounds like I’m younger you. I’m 35 and the last few years have been Hell, but damn I have grown a lot. Been learning all these lessons the hard way. And I’ve held off on children for the same reasons.
  - beaker52 5y ago
    If you're him, then I'm the 33 year old you.

phist_mcgee 5y ago

NhanH 5y ago
The form might looks similar, but the substance is much different than the bullshitters on Linkedin. In fact, the bs-ers/ influencers wannabe all want to copy from posts like this, which is why they look similar. I don’t agree with your assessment of the post being self aggrandizement. How would you write a honest post on sharing your life experience that doesn’t focus on yourself?
Shared404 5y ago
> To all the downvoters, please engage me on my question. Commenting on votes is annoying. But let me try. > This reads like a bad form of new age neoliberal linkedin self aggrandisement. How is "I realized my toxic perfectionism/work drive was making me act like a horrible person" either a neoliberal^WNeoliberal or linkedin^WLinkedIn type position? Especially the LinkedIn aspect, where this person started was LinkedIn's golden child. And how is it self aggrandisement^Waggrandizement? GP realized what they were doing wrong, documented how they had made progress, and noted that they have more progress to make? > I am sorry, but what is your point? Their point was twofold. First, it was pointing out the way they take care of themselves, like OP asked. Second, it was pointing out a way many of us on HN struggle, and a way to help us move past that. Edit: Removed personal attack. It was uncalled for, and I apologize. Also fix phrasing in a couple places.
junon 5y ago
This looks nothing like the garbage on Linkedin, not sure what you're talking about. It's a direct, solicited response to the question posed at the top of this page - and a very genuine one at that.

junon 5y ago

If I didn't know better, I might think I'd have written this without remembering it. Resonates hard. Thanks for sharing.

0x008 5y ago

I wholeheartedly agree. Whenever I stepped off the gas - as you say -, I found that subsequently I made an order of magnitude more progress than when I was pushing myself. If there is only one skill we could ever learn in life, I would suggest it is understanding our own mind.

calculated 5y ago
Any books, videos, etc. you'd suggest to us in order to aquire the skill of understanding our own brain? I'm asking for some path to go down and lead me to this understanding I'm aware that in the end it's all up to oneself.
- cassianoleal 5y ago
  I'm not GP but I'll make a suggestion I have already on a different, although somewhat related thread. Anything in the warrior literature will help you find yourself, your limitations and help unlock your potential. Way of the Peaceful Warrior, by Dan Millmann, is a very good introduction to the whole subject. It's fairly easy to read but absolutely full of little gems of wisdom if you're willing to see them. Once you get that, look for the heavier stuff.
  - calculated 5y ago
    Thanks mate appreciate it a lot!
- Disruptive_Dave 5y ago
  Above any sort of passive learning is doing - meditation. This is a contact sport. No different from weight training. Beyond that, I would recommend "10% Happier" as it is very pragmatic and belief agnostic. Good for newcomers. Next, I'd recommend "Buddhism Plain And Simple" (Steve Hagen). You do not need to follow Buddhism or have any intention to engage with it as a philosophy to wring a ton of value from the book re: how the mind works.

leros 5y ago

This this 100%. I discovered I had extreme work addiction. Working my job, working on my 20 hobbies, starting side projects, etc. As with many addictions, working all the time is often a coping mechanism for something else. For me it was childhood trauma I had not processed. Getting a therapist helped immensely. Letting go of work, focusing on just a few interests,and having downtime has made my life so much better.