3 ms·

You can also use power for good you know...

by csdvrx 5y ago

PaulHoule 5y ago
That's the goal. If I could tell stories that make people feel good as effectively as I hurt that person I'd be the spellbinder that I want to be. Sometimes though my hostility leaks out and gets me in trouble. I have a chart that looks something like 0 ... resentment ... 30 ... anger ... 100 ... rage at 100 I start to think about wanting to make people suffer and I am in danger of "losing my shit". I learned in the last few months that if I flooded myself with feelings of sadness that I could avoid "losing my shit" near and slightly beyond the 100 threshold. This could be connecting with my own feelings of grief and loss (often another interpretation of what I am angry about) or if that doesn't flow that going to the war memorial and reading the names. I also discovered that after doing that I would talk to people about what was bothering me and get a much better response, people would really want to help me. I didn't find this technique talked about much in the western literature but found out it was widely known hundreds of years ago in China that sadness suppresses anger and that fear promotes it. (It is fascinating to watch shows like Three Kingdoms where warriors, very tough and masculine men, regularly cry, both a few tears and uncontrollably.) (Western literature does, of course, say that connecting with grief is healing. Also when I was taking acting lessons years ago I found that sadness was one of the strongest emotional preparations for me.) These days though it is the other side of that scale that bothers me, enough that I am thinking how to redraw it. (maybe with a log scale) Below some point (say 30) the object of anger is not in the front of my consciousness but my resentment leaks out in insensitive, brutish and hostile actions that drive people away, such as the conversation I talked about. What's difficult about that one is that it doesn't matter if I am 20% angry, 2% angry, even 0.02% angry. If I am resentful at all it leaks out in ways that have a negative impact on myself and others. To really reclaim my ability I need to get to 0% angry.
- csdvrx 5y ago
  So now you know your own limits, and also your powers? This means the decision is up to you from now on :) It's too easy to blame it on circumstances: there's agency in everything we do -- and responsibility about the consequences too, as you have discovered, so you can't take a cheap Schopenhauer exit ("Man can do what he wills but he cannot will what he wills") as most people generally dislike the sour feeling of guilt. As for sadness, if it works for you, why not? What works work me is imagining the people I talk to (and myself) as kids - like when we were 8 and no serious bad thoughts were ever entertained. I mean, most people would not hurt kids, even emotionally? Good! That's why it works so well :) Try tee the kid under the other person face, and you will have gained another valuable tool, maybe even more valuable as it will not require you to expose yourself to sadness, and it may even help you build connection. You can even use your charm powers for that: having a good time and helping another person have a good time through conversation is highly valuable by itself! Then maybe the anger will go away once resentment is replaced by peace with your conscience and pride in your actions. Just saying.

You can also use power for good you know...

by csdvrx 5y ago

You can also use power for good you know...

That's the goal. If I could tell stories that make people feel good as effectively as I hurt that person I'd be the spellbinder that I want to be. Sometimes though my hostility leaks out and gets me in trouble. I have a chart that looks something like 0 ... resentment ... 30 ... anger ... 100 ... rage at 100 I start to think about wanting to make people suffer and I am in danger of "losing my shit". I learned in the last few months that if I flooded myself with feelings of sadness that I could avoid "losing my shit" near and slightly beyond the 100 threshold. This could be connecting with my own feelings of grief and loss (often another interpretation of what I am angry about) or if that doesn't flow that going to the war memorial and reading the names. I also discovered that after doing that I would talk to people about what was bothering me and get a much better response, people would really want to help me. I didn't find this technique talked about much in the western literature but found out it was widely known hundreds of years ago in China that sadness suppresses anger and that fear promotes it. (It is fascinating to watch shows like Three Kingdoms where warriors, very tough and masculine men, regularly cry, both a few tears and uncontrollably.) (Western literature does, of course, say that connecting with grief is healing. Also when I was taking acting lessons years ago I found that sadness was one of the strongest emotional preparations for me.) These days though it is the other side of that scale that bothers me, enough that I am thinking how to redraw it. (maybe with a log scale) Below some point (say 30) the object of anger is not in the front of my consciousness but my resentment leaks out in insensitive, brutish and hostile actions that drive people away, such as the conversation I talked about. What's difficult about that one is that it doesn't matter if I am 20% angry, 2% angry, even 0.02% angry. If I am resentful at all it leaks out in ways that have a negative impact on myself and others. To really reclaim my ability I need to get to 0% angry.

csdvrx 5y ago
So now you know your own limits, and also your powers? This means the decision is up to you from now on :) It's too easy to blame it on circumstances: there's agency in everything we do -- and responsibility about the consequences too, as you have discovered, so you can't take a cheap Schopenhauer exit ("Man can do what he wills but he cannot will what he wills") as most people generally dislike the sour feeling of guilt. As for sadness, if it works for you, why not? What works work me is imagining the people I talk to (and myself) as kids - like when we were 8 and no serious bad thoughts were ever entertained. I mean, most people would not hurt kids, even emotionally? Good! That's why it works so well :) Try tee the kid under the other person face, and you will have gained another valuable tool, maybe even more valuable as it will not require you to expose yourself to sadness, and it may even help you build connection. You can even use your charm powers for that: having a good time and helping another person have a good time through conversation is highly valuable by itself! Then maybe the anger will go away once resentment is replaced by peace with your conscience and pride in your actions. Just saying.