5 ms·

All you can do is throw yourself headlong into new experiences. Plus, there's a hack: changing your geographic frame of reference really helps. If you can aff

by vanusa 5y ago

All you can do is throw yourself headlong into new experiences. Plus, there's a hack: changing your geographic frame of reference really helps. If you can afford it and are not too attached to where you're living -- and especially if you kind of hate where you're living -- just pick up and move. Ideally to a different climate, perhaps with a different accent or a different language altogether. At least for a while -- 6 months to a year. You see your brain is hardwired to 'index' new memories based on sensory cues -- light, colors, smells, sounds... and especially new faces. When these stimuli change, and especially when they all change at once -- it's like our brain opens up a whole new space to operate, and to start organizing all of these new memories and experiences in. Like turning the page and starting a whole new chapter, as it were.

knuthsat 5y ago
That's exactly what my wife did. College was extremely stressful and filled with suffering for her. After it ended, she never felt like it really ended. But after we moved to a different country she is a completely new person.
gringoDan 5y ago
Actually building something helps a ton: either a project at work, or through hobbies like woodworking, writing, art, comedy, etc. And the geographic hack is great advice. I moved to a new city following a breakup a few years back and it did wonders for my mental health. I also recommend journaling: Getting thoughts out of your head and onto a page can provide a sense of closure.
djbelieny 5y ago
Indeed. Being through a few traumatic experiences in the first months of 2020, including the sudden death of my dad. I can attest that while it has been hard to let go of some memories and feelings, changing the geographic frame is an absolute hack that works. Look for something completely different, if you live in the city move to the country, if you live in the mountains move to the beach. Allow yourself the new experiences, use your senses to explore the new. In my case, the following also helped: 1) allowed myself to invest and finish a project that had special meaning to me since before the trauma; 2) Got a new dog, learned how to train her as a service dog, and put in the work to get that completed. BONUS: I now have a trained service dog that I love, can take everywhere, and is truly man's best friend. 3) Started small projects which involved my loved ones, which helped me bond and create new memories with each one individually. Hope this helps. The most important thing is to keep on keeping on. Never give up.
- zain 5y ago
  How did you learn how to train your dog?
  - djbelieny 5y ago
    TLDR; A Lot of internet coupled with a lot of trial and error - fun times. But seriously, I first started researching online how people trained their dogs for obedience and to do simple tasks. Read a couple of books on the subject, signed up for an online class (COVID lockdowns and all), watched tons of Youtube videos, which were more informative and way more practical than the classes and books and practiced a lot with my Dog. She picked up really fast and within a couple of months I had her doing some serious obedience tasks. I would say she and I learned together ;) After that, I amped up the work consistency and focused on the specific task she needed to do in my case to become a service dog. Now with that said I want to plug something here, there's a group called STSK9 that has an outstanding online dog training university. I found them way down in my path and I still may register since I love what they are doing to help teach people how to train dogs and from what see on their site + social media interactions their students and dogs get the best in the biz. Link to their site https://www.stsk9.com/ https://www.stsk9.com/
ethbr0 5y ago
Another variant: if you can afford to and work permits, temporarily relocate somewhere for awhile. Rent a minimal-cost place for a month+. As one option, look into professional house-sitting (common in US, not sure elsewhere). Essentially, people with high end homes, who are going to be away for a period, who want someone they can trust not to wreck the place to just be there. But essentially, just live somewhere else for a minute. For me it takes about 5 days to start living instead of visiting. After my mother's cancer diagnosis, when treatment was in progress but surgery still scheduled some time away, and I had a job I hated, with co-workers whose morals I didn't share... I spent a few weeks in Japan and Thailand. (Mostly paid by reward points, long saved) It was amazing how refreshing my view on my own life was, from a different vantage point. When I got back, I quit the job, took some time off with the aid of savings, and spent time with my mom through her treatment. I'm not sure I would have realized that was the right path without the distance. (And it finally resulted in one of the best jobs of my career)
- throwaway24124 5y ago
  Thanks for the house-sitting recommendation, great idea. What's your job now?
  - ethbr0 5y ago
    Unfortunately, I've since moved on. #FirstWorldProblems, but in retrospect, +50% salary isn't automatically enough to make up for good vs bad corporate culture and quality of colleagues.
- robot1 5y ago
  do you have any resources for how to get into professional house-sitting? sounds like it would expand horizons in a very accessible way!
  - ethbr0 5y ago
    I didn't even know it was a thing, until my father did it when moving for work, while looking for a permanent house to purchase. Can't offer any details, but this [0] seems to have a range of links and the basics. I gather it's something like Airbnb, but in reverse (homeowners looking for quality person). I imagine it's mostly person and reputation based (e.g. I present as a responsible professional + here are some expensive houses I have been entrusted successfully with). If you know any real estate agents, you can also ask them where they find temporary placements (i.e. home currently on the market, which are usually paid) as a "resume" starter. But I imagine you'd probably be looking for non-real-estate listings long term. As they usually those require you to be available on short notice to vacate for people to walk through. And the bigger points are (1) must be flexible in "finding somewhere else" or "vacating within a few months" & (2) be able to live in a place with a light touch (no parties, destructive living, pets, etc.). [0] https://estatesitting.com/long-term-house-sitter/ https://estatesitting.com/long-term-house-sitter/
wnolens 5y ago
> changing your geographic frame of reference really helps. Thanks for saying this. I was stuck and faced my problems head-on for years in therapy (and every day life). More than one therapist I saw for an extended period of time really drove home the point that the "geographical cure" doesn't work because you just bring your problems with you. But that's an incredibly myopic view. After finally breaking up with those therapists/asshats, I went through a period of being nomadic and then settled elsewhere. Some of my problems went away immediately, some came with me, others appeared. But I was more able to separate myself from my context, process difficult emotions with distance from the triggers, receive the gifts of a new place and its culture, see how different people live/struggle elsewhere. I don't think there's any other way I could have turned my trajectory around.
- vanusa 5y ago
  It's true that you'll always have your problems with you. It's also true that "wherever you go, there you are." But for every set of problems S₁ ... there's a secondary set S₂ that consists basically of "thinking too damn much about S₁" along with a heaping portion of "why me, why me, why me?". The growth of which starts to take on a life of its own, and to greatly leverage the suffering that S₁ would otherwise cause on its own. So part of the basic healing mechanism of the change-of-coordinates approach is that, while it doesn't reduce the size of S₁ directly ... it does help reduce the run-away swelling of S₂ very substantially. Which allows slow-acting but powerful natural healing factors (the passage of time, as a sibling commenter point out) to focus much better on S₁. Until one day, you're going about your business ... and you realize you haven't thought about S₁ in a while. Not just for a couple of hours, but for a like a full day or more. That's when you start to realize that it's at least possible to move on.
siva7 5y ago
Changing the geographic frame is the single most effective way to deal with past experiences. I’ve done it in the past from traumatic experiences and it was always a huge step forward for my mental health!
ohdannyboy 5y ago
I have mixed feelings about this. After college I basically tried that by moving from Chicago to Boulder CO. Restructuring my life around the very different area helped (in particular I lost a lot of weight), but my problems all followed me over. It wasn't some reinvention like I wanted it to be. I don't see it as the turning of a chapter more than events in a continuum sitting between a traumatic childhood and realizing I was in it too deep to get out alone. Things didn't really start to improve until I started going to therapy about five years later. I had actually moved back to Chicago by that point.

by vanusa 5y ago

knuthsat 5y ago

That's exactly what my wife did. College was extremely stressful and filled with suffering for her. After it ended, she never felt like it really ended. But after we moved to a different country she is a completely new person.

gringoDan 5y ago

Actually building something helps a ton: either a project at work, or through hobbies like woodworking, writing, art, comedy, etc. And the geographic hack is great advice. I moved to a new city following a breakup a few years back and it did wonders for my mental health. I also recommend journaling: Getting thoughts out of your head and onto a page can provide a sense of closure.

djbelieny 5y ago

Indeed. Being through a few traumatic experiences in the first months of 2020, including the sudden death of my dad. I can attest that while it has been hard to let go of some memories and feelings, changing the geographic frame is an absolute hack that works. Look for something completely different, if you live in the city move to the country, if you live in the mountains move to the beach. Allow yourself the new experiences, use your senses to explore the new. In my case, the following also helped: 1) allowed myself to invest and finish a project that had special meaning to me since before the trauma; 2) Got a new dog, learned how to train her as a service dog, and put in the work to get that completed. BONUS: I now have a trained service dog that I love, can take everywhere, and is truly man's best friend. 3) Started small projects which involved my loved ones, which helped me bond and create new memories with each one individually. Hope this helps. The most important thing is to keep on keeping on. Never give up.

zain 5y ago
How did you learn how to train your dog?
- djbelieny 5y ago
  TLDR; A Lot of internet coupled with a lot of trial and error - fun times. But seriously, I first started researching online how people trained their dogs for obedience and to do simple tasks. Read a couple of books on the subject, signed up for an online class (COVID lockdowns and all), watched tons of Youtube videos, which were more informative and way more practical than the classes and books and practiced a lot with my Dog. She picked up really fast and within a couple of months I had her doing some serious obedience tasks. I would say she and I learned together ;) After that, I amped up the work consistency and focused on the specific task she needed to do in my case to become a service dog. Now with that said I want to plug something here, there's a group called STSK9 that has an outstanding online dog training university. I found them way down in my path and I still may register since I love what they are doing to help teach people how to train dogs and from what see on their site + social media interactions their students and dogs get the best in the biz. Link to their site https://www.stsk9.com/ https://www.stsk9.com/

ethbr0 5y ago

Another variant: if you can afford to and work permits, temporarily relocate somewhere for awhile. Rent a minimal-cost place for a month+. As one option, look into professional house-sitting (common in US, not sure elsewhere). Essentially, people with high end homes, who are going to be away for a period, who want someone they can trust not to wreck the place to just be there. But essentially, just live somewhere else for a minute. For me it takes about 5 days to start living instead of visiting. After my mother's cancer diagnosis, when treatment was in progress but surgery still scheduled some time away, and I had a job I hated, with co-workers whose morals I didn't share... I spent a few weeks in Japan and Thailand. (Mostly paid by reward points, long saved) It was amazing how refreshing my view on my own life was, from a different vantage point. When I got back, I quit the job, took some time off with the aid of savings, and spent time with my mom through her treatment. I'm not sure I would have realized that was the right path without the distance. (And it finally resulted in one of the best jobs of my career)

throwaway24124 5y ago
Thanks for the house-sitting recommendation, great idea. What's your job now?
- ethbr0 5y ago
  Unfortunately, I've since moved on. #FirstWorldProblems, but in retrospect, +50% salary isn't automatically enough to make up for good vs bad corporate culture and quality of colleagues.
robot1 5y ago
do you have any resources for how to get into professional house-sitting? sounds like it would expand horizons in a very accessible way!
- ethbr0 5y ago
  I didn't even know it was a thing, until my father did it when moving for work, while looking for a permanent house to purchase. Can't offer any details, but this [0] seems to have a range of links and the basics. I gather it's something like Airbnb, but in reverse (homeowners looking for quality person). I imagine it's mostly person and reputation based (e.g. I present as a responsible professional + here are some expensive houses I have been entrusted successfully with). If you know any real estate agents, you can also ask them where they find temporary placements (i.e. home currently on the market, which are usually paid) as a "resume" starter. But I imagine you'd probably be looking for non-real-estate listings long term. As they usually those require you to be available on short notice to vacate for people to walk through. And the bigger points are (1) must be flexible in "finding somewhere else" or "vacating within a few months" & (2) be able to live in a place with a light touch (no parties, destructive living, pets, etc.). [0] https://estatesitting.com/long-term-house-sitter/ https://estatesitting.com/long-term-house-sitter/

wnolens 5y ago

> changing your geographic frame of reference really helps. Thanks for saying this. I was stuck and faced my problems head-on for years in therapy (and every day life). More than one therapist I saw for an extended period of time really drove home the point that the "geographical cure" doesn't work because you just bring your problems with you. But that's an incredibly myopic view. After finally breaking up with those therapists/asshats, I went through a period of being nomadic and then settled elsewhere. Some of my problems went away immediately, some came with me, others appeared. But I was more able to separate myself from my context, process difficult emotions with distance from the triggers, receive the gifts of a new place and its culture, see how different people live/struggle elsewhere. I don't think there's any other way I could have turned my trajectory around.

vanusa 5y ago
It's true that you'll always have your problems with you. It's also true that "wherever you go, there you are." But for every set of problems S₁ ... there's a secondary set S₂ that consists basically of "thinking too damn much about S₁" along with a heaping portion of "why me, why me, why me?". The growth of which starts to take on a life of its own, and to greatly leverage the suffering that S₁ would otherwise cause on its own. So part of the basic healing mechanism of the change-of-coordinates approach is that, while it doesn't reduce the size of S₁ directly ... it does help reduce the run-away swelling of S₂ very substantially. Which allows slow-acting but powerful natural healing factors (the passage of time, as a sibling commenter point out) to focus much better on S₁. Until one day, you're going about your business ... and you realize you haven't thought about S₁ in a while. Not just for a couple of hours, but for a like a full day or more. That's when you start to realize that it's at least possible to move on.

siva7 5y ago

Changing the geographic frame is the single most effective way to deal with past experiences. I’ve done it in the past from traumatic experiences and it was always a huge step forward for my mental health!

ohdannyboy 5y ago

I have mixed feelings about this. After college I basically tried that by moving from Chicago to Boulder CO. Restructuring my life around the very different area helped (in particular I lost a lot of weight), but my problems all followed me over. It wasn't some reinvention like I wanted it to be. I don't see it as the turning of a chapter more than events in a continuum sitting between a traumatic childhood and realizing I was in it too deep to get out alone. Things didn't really start to improve until I started going to therapy about five years later. I had actually moved back to Chicago by that point.