4 ms·

How I Demolished My Life

16 points by type0 5y ago

thghtihadanacct 5y ago
Sounds like she demolished her husbands life too, although, I have little doubt he wanted the same. Its a non-unique story about youngish people that 'fell in love' and failed to plan.
- netizen-936824 5y ago
  I would be more worried about the kids than the husband. These sort of changes can end up doing damage to their development
netizen-936824 5y ago
https://archive.fo/e2OLZ https://archive.fo/e2OLZ
yehudalouis 5y ago
What she would likely call self-preservation, I find to be quite selfish. She uprooted her children, she tore down her marriage, because she wanted to be more free? Did she ever consider discussing with her husband what changes could be made to their arrangement? Past that, I interpreted the author as clearly uncomfortable with her choice, no matter how badly she wanted to give the aura of confidence. She weakly tried to assign her decision to peering over the patriarchy, but that just felt flat and muted. I feel bad for the kids.
csdvrx 5y ago
I read the whole thing but just couldn't figure out the point she was trying to make, if any. Maybe it's about how a large house and family deprived her of her sense of agency? That's my most generous interpretation of the word soup.
- more_corn 5y ago
  This is not my beautiful house, I am not the beautiful wife. How did I get here?
projectileboy 5y ago
She sounds like a self-obsessed monster. When you get married, you sacrifice something in order to gain something. When you have kids, you sacrifice something in order to gain something. No one ever said otherwise. Is it becoming more common for people to be incapable of growing up?
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
vaidhy 5y ago
I would call this the clash of fantasy against reality. In our life, 99% of time is just rote work - clean the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, fold the clothes, feed the kids, drive them to school, help with homework etc. The fantasy world of romance and fairy tales is filled with thrilling adventures, handsome men and beautiful women, everyone is rich and never had to do any work. The author seems to be still wanting that fairy tale where everything is about her and her free time - everything else be damned.
yawnxyz 5y ago
It's interesting how so many (most?) people just follow the dreams of others. But in the tech/VC/startup/HN world you kind of forget about people like that? I don't even live in a remotely tech-y place, but spending all day on tech/crypto twitter, hacker news etc. kind of skews my views, I guess. I think I'm a dumb lazy freeloader, bc all day I'm reading about how Vitalik came up with Ethereum when we was practically a kid, and he continues to put out all the brilliant ideas. And so many founders we read about... I'm like, how are they so brilliant? But I think the biggest thing setting apart many tech/startup folks is (I think) that many of us are "DO"ers - we want to do what others have done; we're not "WANT"ers where we merely want the success of what others want. I don't want to have invented Ethereum; I want to be able to create something of massive value to the world, all on my own.
- horns4lyfe 5y ago
  You don’t think people outside of tech are interested in creating things of value? This is as tone deaf as the article.
horns4lyfe 5y ago
What is the point of this article? “I was miserable before and didn’t know what I want, so I took it out on my family and now I’m still miserable and don’t know what I want”? Congrats on putting up Christmas decorations I guess. Also this passage is a real gem: “I wanted to be thinking about art and sex and politics and the patriarchy. How much of my life—I mean the architecture of my life, but also its essence, my soul, my mind—had I built around my husband? Who could I be if I wasn’t his wife? Maybe I would microdose. Maybe I would have sex with women. Maybe I would write a book. Not a book about real estate!” Lol ok good luck with that. So tonedeaf, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a more apt write up of privileged liberal malaise.
Arete314159 5y ago
I too was struck by the seeming pointlessness of the article. However there is a reason to give her the benefit of the doubt. Often women are socialized to subsume their own wants and desires into the greater wants of their families. Because of this, the "I want" part of you, that can clearly even know what you want, becomes lost. She might sound like she destroyed her marriage for no reason, not because she doesn't have a reason, but because those feelings are still so inchoate that she was just left with a strong but vague desperation. I'd be interested to read more from her in 5 years and see if the distance gains her clarity.
- mbrodersen 5y ago
  Males are socialised as well to sacrifice and build a stable successful marriage. The idea is that everybody gives and takes to create something of value together. Sometimes not everybody understands this and ends up taking way more than they give.

16 points by type0 5y ago

Sounds like she demolished her husbands life too, although, I have little doubt he wanted the same. Its a non-unique story about youngish people that 'fell in love' and failed to plan.

netizen-936824 5y ago
I would be more worried about the kids than the husband. These sort of changes can end up doing damage to their development

netizen-936824 5y ago

https://archive.fo/e2OLZ https://archive.fo/e2OLZ

yehudalouis 5y ago

What she would likely call self-preservation, I find to be quite selfish. She uprooted her children, she tore down her marriage, because she wanted to be more free? Did she ever consider discussing with her husband what changes could be made to their arrangement? Past that, I interpreted the author as clearly uncomfortable with her choice, no matter how badly she wanted to give the aura of confidence. She weakly tried to assign her decision to peering over the patriarchy, but that just felt flat and muted. I feel bad for the kids.

csdvrx 5y ago

I read the whole thing but just couldn't figure out the point she was trying to make, if any. Maybe it's about how a large house and family deprived her of her sense of agency? That's my most generous interpretation of the word soup.

more_corn 5y ago
This is not my beautiful house, I am not the beautiful wife. How did I get here?

projectileboy 5y ago

She sounds like a self-obsessed monster. When you get married, you sacrifice something in order to gain something. When you have kids, you sacrifice something in order to gain something. No one ever said otherwise. Is it becoming more common for people to be incapable of growing up?

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]

vaidhy 5y ago

I would call this the clash of fantasy against reality. In our life, 99% of time is just rote work - clean the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, fold the clothes, feed the kids, drive them to school, help with homework etc. The fantasy world of romance and fairy tales is filled with thrilling adventures, handsome men and beautiful women, everyone is rich and never had to do any work. The author seems to be still wanting that fairy tale where everything is about her and her free time - everything else be damned.

yawnxyz 5y ago

It's interesting how so many (most?) people just follow the dreams of others. But in the tech/VC/startup/HN world you kind of forget about people like that? I don't even live in a remotely tech-y place, but spending all day on tech/crypto twitter, hacker news etc. kind of skews my views, I guess. I think I'm a dumb lazy freeloader, bc all day I'm reading about how Vitalik came up with Ethereum when we was practically a kid, and he continues to put out all the brilliant ideas. And so many founders we read about... I'm like, how are they so brilliant? But I think the biggest thing setting apart many tech/startup folks is (I think) that many of us are "DO"ers - we want to do what others have done; we're not "WANT"ers where we merely want the success of what others want. I don't want to have invented Ethereum; I want to be able to create something of massive value to the world, all on my own.

horns4lyfe 5y ago
You don’t think people outside of tech are interested in creating things of value? This is as tone deaf as the article.

horns4lyfe 5y ago

What is the point of this article? “I was miserable before and didn’t know what I want, so I took it out on my family and now I’m still miserable and don’t know what I want”? Congrats on putting up Christmas decorations I guess. Also this passage is a real gem: “I wanted to be thinking about art and sex and politics and the patriarchy. How much of my life—I mean the architecture of my life, but also its essence, my soul, my mind—had I built around my husband? Who could I be if I wasn’t his wife? Maybe I would microdose. Maybe I would have sex with women. Maybe I would write a book. Not a book about real estate!” Lol ok good luck with that. So tonedeaf, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a more apt write up of privileged liberal malaise.

Arete314159 5y ago

I too was struck by the seeming pointlessness of the article. However there is a reason to give her the benefit of the doubt. Often women are socialized to subsume their own wants and desires into the greater wants of their families. Because of this, the "I want" part of you, that can clearly even know what you want, becomes lost. She might sound like she destroyed her marriage for no reason, not because she doesn't have a reason, but because those feelings are still so inchoate that she was just left with a strong but vague desperation. I'd be interested to read more from her in 5 years and see if the distance gains her clarity.

mbrodersen 5y ago
Males are socialised as well to sacrifice and build a stable successful marriage. The idea is that everybody gives and takes to create something of value together. Sometimes not everybody understands this and ends up taking way more than they give.