4 ms·
I ate 8g of dried shrooms a few days ago. Once things really got going, I spent the time mostly in the dark at home focusing on whatever came to me. The intenti
by crawfordcomeaux 5y ago
I ate 8g of dried shrooms a few days ago. Once things really got going, I spent the time mostly in the dark at home focusing on whatever came to me. The intentions I set were for ego death of some kind. Much of it was spent grieving childhood trauma and the state of the world, most of which was done while singing, snorting, making other mouth noises, laughing, crying, or some combination of those. Yesterday, I realized I have preverbal trauma and most people probably do, too. Sharing this with the person I'm partnering with, who went on a mushroom journey a few weeks ago to address their own preverbal trauma, seemed to open the door for them to soften toward me. We've been going through rough times, as she slipped into a PTSD episode upon getting pregnant, it's still going on, and how she acts when triggering into her trauma matches patterns of my own trauma, so we've had a difficult time over the past 3.5 years. I haven't been very compassionate/empathetic in how I receive her and often feel confused about what to do or say. Today, that wasn't the case. We both received each other graciously (and let it go quickly when we didn't), freely offered and accepted hugs, and created a lovely little Christmas scene for the child, as well as started collaboratively designing content for santaisdeadlonglivesanta.net.
These are profound and immediate changes in my life. I look forward to what mushrooms have to further teach me.
Oh, I also had the realization that ego death doesn't need to be this cataclysmic, big, scary, break from reality thing done with eyes literally closed and that if I already carry a cosmic identity, dissolving into the cosmos provides insight that can come from reflecting on being the cosmos.
If you've read this far, do yourself a favor, look up CPTSD and preverbal trauma, and check to see if there's something you went through when little that's still alive and getting in your way.
- fidesomnes 5y ago
- kcindric 5y agoWhat is your experience with handling trips with CPTSD? I'm on the verge of exploring mushrooms and have pretty serious CPTSD symptoms and burdens. I'm doing therapy and a lot of self-therapy like somatic experiencing, dancing, IFS and just doing whatever my body wants to do. I hope that mushrooms would be a great addition to that 'do whatever I want' therapy by intensifying my child brain, but also I'm fearful that things could get bad in the moment or worse in the long run.
- crawfordcomeaux 5y agoMy first mushroom experience was 20 years ago. All I remember is I was in a fog so thick I had to move it with my hands in order to see what was going on around me. My interpretation right now is this was an indicator of lots of cognitive distortions at play in my life and a deep emotional disconnect from the body. The second one was at a party and I don't remember much of any of it. I have no idea what I took or how much. All of my other trips have been after adopting a stance of radical acceptance and abandoning most of my preferences. Allowing myself to do what I want I think is really key to living fully and helps dramatically with tripping. If you're nervous about your first time, maybe find a trip sitter. There are also integration coaches out there who can help you prepare and followup with practices for integrating what you learn. Ultimately, if you setup your environment to have all your needs accounted for (which may include putting "flight instructions" nearby and easily visible, taking a big dose and laying down with an eye mask on in a quiet environment can take you very far. You can always open your eyes and remind yourself you're safe, this is the mushrooms showing you what you need, and it shall pass. Don't Gandalf the Balrog, look at it and ask "What are you doing in my head and what do you have to teach me?" I know people who have had very scary trips and came out having learned very little and changed very little. They also practice deep denials of reality, so I'd check myself for cognitive distortions and work them out or at least get into the habit of pausing and questioning an experience before flying solo. Are you making music as part of your therapy? I ask because I've found making music allows me to see how I'm applying my brain to things. I practice playing what Sun Ra calls "pure jazz," music without preconceived notion or simply just being. There's no wrong note or wrong time to play it. However you want to be programming your brain to work, if you approach making music from that mindset, it's a safe environment to practice it. I hope this helps you in your healing journey <3
- michaelbarton 5y agoThat’s a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing. I wish you and your partner a lovely Christmas and the best of luck for your future together.
- crawfordcomeaux 5y agoChristmas brought us our first snow of the season and the beginning of our next big collaboration: We purchased santaisdeadlonglivesanta.net with the intention of starting a movement in anarchogiving. She's even willing to put a picture of her bearded face on it! And thank you for your response...I don't see many comments like that on here.