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There's a lot of very interesting information here that only prompts further curiosity. Music sounds important to you. How impactful is the hearing damage you

There's a lot of very interesting information here that only prompts further curiosity. Music sounds important to you. How impactful is the hearing damage you speak of? Why can't you use power tools? Are they unbearably loud to use due to the hearing damage? How long can you tolerate in-ear earplugs for (possibly with high-rated passive earmuffs over the top) - or does this exacerbate other symptoms? The concentration issue is particularly interesting. How would you say this relates to your hearing damage? Do you experience anxiety or brain fog when near/using certain devices? (I do; it can be cripplingly annoying, and in some cases dangerous.) Regarding your points about suicidal ideation, on the one hand it sounds to me like you're expressing passive interest in the idea similarly to how someone might uninvestedly say of something "oh that might be interesting to try one day [after I count to infinity twice]", while on the other hand it sounds like you're really pushing to try and make this happen - on its own. At least that's how I'm reading your comment - I've often wanted things to self-activate because I haven't had the activation energy to fully resolve intent to motivated execution. I've recently realized this is just another expression of depression, and may (incidentally trying to get to the bottom of this) correlate with executive function impairment. For what it's worth, there is absolutely nothing and nobody stopping you from jumping off a bridge, or heading to a train station, or tripping over your shoelace right as a truck is going past, or finding out just what a knife will do depending on where you use it, or any number of other methods. (Those are some of the ideas I've noodled over myself for the past few years.) Nobody is holding a gun to your head and requiring you to pick a specific method, "the right method." Structurally speaking, there is no fundamentally correct way to live or die. You get to pick and choose what's correct. If you're struggling and on the fence with the how, perhaps the insight you seek lies not in considering one outcome vs the other (where the only common element is perhaps "I want closure"), but in deeply considering (as a major project) the focal point associated with the mental mechanical dynamics of the fight itself. Why is that argument happening, both in terms of causative input and neurological steady states? Despite the obvious components of learned anxiety in your statement that you lack the ability to suicide, it also sounds to me like you're trying to reach toward understanding the fight (in spite of the impediment of depression), which is a really good thing, and IMHO represents forward progress that if anything should be pro-rated to correct for the dismissive influence of depression. You're also correct that vanishingly few people will know of your death if you do disappear forever. The Internet doesn't auto-chronicle us humans automatically 24/7 using AI (...yet, yikes), so we still get a significant role to play in how we represent ourselves to the rest of the world. The constant engagement required to sustain this can definitely be a terminal drain (I only frequent HN, myself, and don't comment much), but IMHO how much effort I make engaging, defending, etc has no bearing on the fact that some people choose to strategically do the "right" thing in the right place at the right time and achieve disproportionate influence and power over others as a result (with "right" quoted because it means whatever will move these people forward in the moment). I agree that it definitely stinks for circumstantial cheatcodes to land in the laps of undeserving people who then keep the benefits to themselves (and then some), but that whole sphere is a zero-sum game that calls for moral bankruptcy as table stakes, and you'll never succeed at trying to fight against it. If you have friends or people you empathize with that are impacted by such people, you'll never win by trying to take the big guys on because they will always fight dirtier than you choose/want to (and the law seems to have a curious permeability to this sort of dirty fighting). One of the things I've been thinking about recently (it's pretty basic, but something something developmental delay, so it is what it is) is the extent of the split between the world of ideas in our heads and the world of what we retrospectively realize we've accomplished in practice. The world in our heads achieves justified cohesion by modeling the "right" ways to do things (spanning everything from morality and belief systems to aesthetic preferences in design or programming to knee-jerk editor wars which typically fuel off of experience level (and not wanting to look stupid)), while the world of what we actually accomplish is what contributes toward the emergent cohesion of society. There is a very real and very cognitively-dissonant split between these two worlds, in which feral sociopaths that would have significantly contributed to "the state of the art" in WWII-era concentration and torture science, are indeed part of the ostensible "furthering" of society. Such is the architecturally broken foundation of humanity; I am currently absolutely convinced there is no solution to this save for declaring that the boundaries of my moral compass are hard-limited by the boundaries denoted by Dunbar's Number, and deciding to keep good friends. I can't really provide a more targeted response without additional context. It would be very interesting to hear more about your story, I think!

otoh 5y ago
How impactful? Suffered T & H for a long long time. I don't enjoy listening to music anymore, much less performing. T: four tonal ranges in one ear, two in other; non-aggravated significant flare-up's in both. Stress is a factor. Some tonal ranges have morphed over time from pulsatile to resonant; none are purely sinusodial; they cover lows to mids to highs. H: I become angry from loud sounds and sometimes quiet ones. Any exposure increases sensitivity. Stress is a factor. Earplugs w/muffs: any exposure to vibration/noise aggravates both T and H. With no hearing protection on e.g. a miter saw, I'd risk an ER visit. Even one unprotected cut introduces significantly amplified T for days. Programming: Any brain activity increases T & H, incl'g coding, social activities, or anything involving interacting with technology and society, for that matter. Programming specifically causes my brain to always be "on", which is particularly bad for T. Life outcome: Was told no treatment existed, so I tried to deal with it and move on with life. Didn't work. That was decades ago. Suicide: peaceful method available, not the problem. Persistent fear of death exists. Mental theories about serotonin imbalances, DSM nonsense, etc: I have found humanity to be distasteful since childhood. Conscious decision. Please kill me now. Limited social networks: in the space / satellite / cam age, this is impossible. I am not moving underground.
- exikyut 5y ago
  T: I'm curious if you ever listened to exceptionally loud sounds at or near the problem frequencies either once-off or over an extended period of time. I also wonder if/how well the technique where you put your hands over your ears and flick your fingers works (I'm quietly hoping you haven't heard of it and it's useful :D). (I hold my index/2nd finger slightly away from my head, but mostly the same as https://trudenta.com/this-simple-trick-may-help-with-tinnitus/ https://trudenta.com/this-simple-trick-may-help-with-tinnitu...) H: It sounds you're describing a death spiral feedback loop where the H increases the T which aggravates the H which...? I can kinda understand your overall worldview now. Also, how do you mean that you become angry? Sensory-overload driven perpetual aggravation ("bar-fight mode")? A feeling of core breakdown leading to an event-horizon "everything goes white" or "bomb goes off in movie and nobody can hear anything" level of fundamental disassociation? (Those are the two reference points I have the most familiarity with, to a small extent.) Earplugs: Without wishing to ask triggering questions, I'm very curious why this input risks you ending up in ER (and (generally) why) - panic attacks, "please just knock me out" levels of T, unbearable mental stress, or...? (Maybe a combination?) Programming: It being problematic for your brain to always be "on" is fascinating. For me, I find that my own hypersensitivity impacts my ability to access that place that reasons about complex problems and makes creative leaps, which strongly overlaps with fundamental calmness and tranquility. When I'm overloaded, it's like the pathway I use to access that place of internal calm is involuntarily monopolized by "immediate problem! must be alert" that doesn't go away and gets REALLY old very quickly. Similar to when someone's trying to settle down and go to sleep but can't because of persistent disturbance that never stops. My ability to use a given device is based on whether I can compartmentalize the bit of my brain that seems to need to remain "on" and hyper-vigilant until I slooooowly acclimatize and integrate the idea that the input isn't the end of the world, and finally relax. I'm curious if any of this resonates for you. Muffs: Oooh. I get the impression you still have to avoid strong resonance even with earplugs and muffs in. Yeow. What level is "too much" with everything you can get your hands on? Suicide: I was completely out of the ballpark with the direction I went in there, welp. I'm curious as to the root of your fear of death, although that's getting into personal questions that don't require answers. FWIW, my own worldview is that accepting one's expiration date is a form of obedience toward the consequences of the fallen mess we're in, and strict naïveté of the exact specifics about the when and how isolates our inevitable physical death from influence and conditioning by our fundamentally broken desires and intentions. TL;DR, I've drunk the "we probably do live forever" koolaid and think that messing with the implementation details touches things that are not meant to be touched for safety's sake, and that's where my own fear comes from. Medical diagnoses: I personally wouldn't classify the root of unrest you're describing as being fundamentally based on a serotonin imbalance or DSM implication. It definitely sounds like something else. I've personally been trying to get to the bottom of my own sensitivity issue with VeRy PrEdIcTaBlE results for over a decade, and I can relate to your disenfranchisement about society (and particularly the medical (and educational) establishments). Social networking: I would describe my own social interaction overall as generally "sustainably perfunctory", with HN being the primary focus I actually pay attention to :). As for the surveillance aspects of society, that's a firehose problem the world has made for itself that I'm slowly learning thankfully requires less attention and emotional investment than all the privacy sheep insist is necessary.

otoh 5y ago

How impactful? Suffered T & H for a long long time. I don't enjoy listening to music anymore, much less performing. T: four tonal ranges in one ear, two in other; non-aggravated significant flare-up's in both. Stress is a factor. Some tonal ranges have morphed over time from pulsatile to resonant; none are purely sinusodial; they cover lows to mids to highs. H: I become angry from loud sounds and sometimes quiet ones. Any exposure increases sensitivity. Stress is a factor. Earplugs w/muffs: any exposure to vibration/noise aggravates both T and H. With no hearing protection on e.g. a miter saw, I'd risk an ER visit. Even one unprotected cut introduces significantly amplified T for days. Programming: Any brain activity increases T & H, incl'g coding, social activities, or anything involving interacting with technology and society, for that matter. Programming specifically causes my brain to always be "on", which is particularly bad for T. Life outcome: Was told no treatment existed, so I tried to deal with it and move on with life. Didn't work. That was decades ago. Suicide: peaceful method available, not the problem. Persistent fear of death exists. Mental theories about serotonin imbalances, DSM nonsense, etc: I have found humanity to be distasteful since childhood. Conscious decision. Please kill me now. Limited social networks: in the space / satellite / cam age, this is impossible. I am not moving underground.

exikyut 5y ago
T: I'm curious if you ever listened to exceptionally loud sounds at or near the problem frequencies either once-off or over an extended period of time. I also wonder if/how well the technique where you put your hands over your ears and flick your fingers works (I'm quietly hoping you haven't heard of it and it's useful :D). (I hold my index/2nd finger slightly away from my head, but mostly the same as https://trudenta.com/this-simple-trick-may-help-with-tinnitus/ https://trudenta.com/this-simple-trick-may-help-with-tinnitu...) H: It sounds you're describing a death spiral feedback loop where the H increases the T which aggravates the H which...? I can kinda understand your overall worldview now. Also, how do you mean that you become angry? Sensory-overload driven perpetual aggravation ("bar-fight mode")? A feeling of core breakdown leading to an event-horizon "everything goes white" or "bomb goes off in movie and nobody can hear anything" level of fundamental disassociation? (Those are the two reference points I have the most familiarity with, to a small extent.) Earplugs: Without wishing to ask triggering questions, I'm very curious why this input risks you ending up in ER (and (generally) why) - panic attacks, "please just knock me out" levels of T, unbearable mental stress, or...? (Maybe a combination?) Programming: It being problematic for your brain to always be "on" is fascinating. For me, I find that my own hypersensitivity impacts my ability to access that place that reasons about complex problems and makes creative leaps, which strongly overlaps with fundamental calmness and tranquility. When I'm overloaded, it's like the pathway I use to access that place of internal calm is involuntarily monopolized by "immediate problem! must be alert" that doesn't go away and gets REALLY old very quickly. Similar to when someone's trying to settle down and go to sleep but can't because of persistent disturbance that never stops. My ability to use a given device is based on whether I can compartmentalize the bit of my brain that seems to need to remain "on" and hyper-vigilant until I slooooowly acclimatize and integrate the idea that the input isn't the end of the world, and finally relax. I'm curious if any of this resonates for you. Muffs: Oooh. I get the impression you still have to avoid strong resonance even with earplugs and muffs in. Yeow. What level is "too much" with everything you can get your hands on? Suicide: I was completely out of the ballpark with the direction I went in there, welp. I'm curious as to the root of your fear of death, although that's getting into personal questions that don't require answers. FWIW, my own worldview is that accepting one's expiration date is a form of obedience toward the consequences of the fallen mess we're in, and strict naïveté of the exact specifics about the when and how isolates our inevitable physical death from influence and conditioning by our fundamentally broken desires and intentions. TL;DR, I've drunk the "we probably do live forever" koolaid and think that messing with the implementation details touches things that are not meant to be touched for safety's sake, and that's where my own fear comes from. Medical diagnoses: I personally wouldn't classify the root of unrest you're describing as being fundamentally based on a serotonin imbalance or DSM implication. It definitely sounds like something else. I've personally been trying to get to the bottom of my own sensitivity issue with VeRy PrEdIcTaBlE results for over a decade, and I can relate to your disenfranchisement about society (and particularly the medical (and educational) establishments). Social networking: I would describe my own social interaction overall as generally "sustainably perfunctory", with HN being the primary focus I actually pay attention to :). As for the surveillance aspects of society, that's a firehose problem the world has made for itself that I'm slowly learning thankfully requires less attention and emotional investment than all the privacy sheep insist is necessary.