7 ms·

> You’re struggling to date because you’re a horrible toxic man who doesn’t view women as people I know this will be downvoted to hell, but guys who are very s

by GDC7 5y ago

> You’re struggling to date because you’re a horrible toxic man who doesn’t view women as people I know this will be downvoted to hell, but guys who are very successful with the opposite sex are those who objectify women the most. Leaving aside the Dan Bilzerian types and those who see sex as transactional , some degree of objectification might be needed in order for regular guys to go for it. When men compete for say a darts trophy they are unapologetic in declaring to themselves and to others that they are going for it....when a woman is involved on the other hand it's almost like male pride and ego takes the wheel and we don't want to look thirsty or desperate or even subordinates who don't have any other option than making the first move. In short it's really tough to go there and admit to ourselves and to her that we need her more than they need us, that she has plenty of options , while we only have the option of going out there and expose ourselves to a potential rejection/humiliation . Ego is not having it, because we don't want to look inferior and most importantly feel inferior compared to another human being. Objectification solves this problem, in a sense, it brings us back to the darts trophy analogy and liberates the male psyche. I'd say transient objectification is the regime which has been in place ever since the beginning of the specie till the early 00s. Transient objectification gave men enough peace of mind to approach women without much worry about ego consequences, and if the approach was successful it would disappear rather quickly and boom! In 3 months time you are a couple. Matter of fact the most successful videos on youtube aren't about picking up, they are about helping guys become beautiful/successful/famous/wealthy enough in order to reverse the above dynamic and have women approach them instead, so women would have to swallow their pride, at that point both ego and the relationship centers in our brain can be happy with the outcome, otherwise one would have to suck it up. It's almost like the transient objectification route has been closed off somewhere in the 90s/00s and now those who are successful are guys who either have an ego small enough to chase or with enough resources to reverse the typical dynamic and have women chase them instead.

johnny22 5y ago
Eh, never was a problem for me. I don't have to "objectify" women. I just have to be secure in myself. Confidence that you're just fine on your own is waaay more important. Worst thing in my life was when i came off as desperate.
- GDC7 5y ago
  > Confidence that you're just fine on your own is waaay more important If that's the pitch to your ego, it'd quickly rebut : "then why are you going through all the rejections with the associated pain which makes me suffer so bad?" > Worst thing in my life was when i came off as desperate Do you think those who try and win the World Cup or the Super Bowl or even a get a loan or VC investment perceive themselves in the same way? The above goals are not unlike a healthy dating life. As a rule of thumb if it only happens with dating, then it's in your head and you have to find a way to justify constant failures in order to keep swinging for the fences and not demoralize yourself with thoughts such as "coming off as despearate". Cam Newton would not define himself as coming off as desperate for trying to win the Super Bowl, neither would Lionel Messi in his World Cup quest, Djokovic for the grand slam , you name it...dating isn't different, except of course the Lombardi Trophy can't publicly humiliate you with insults in the middle of the club or at the bar. But the few men who can practice transient objectification won't be hearing insults either as they have the capability of failing fast, blocking insults out , keep moving and keep swinging for the fences
  - tubby12345 5y ago
    >"then why are you going through all the rejections with the associated pain which makes me suffer so bad?" you've assumed the premise without even knowing it and it's doubly ironic because it didn't occur to you exactly because of what you represent in your first comment. here's the answer that didn't occur to you because you just assumed you were right: lol what rejections and terrible suffering and pain? i'm recently married but during all of the time i dated (>15 years since high school) i had maybe one or two rejections at all (and none to speak of that were painful). and i had 2 relationships a year over that time (on average - college was college...). you know why? well for one because i did exactly what this person you responded to suggested: never objectified women and was always confident about my merits. the other thing i never did was treat dating like some kind of obsession or game, so never did i "swing for the fences". >Cam Newton coincidentally enough i went to college at UF and my time overlapped with Cam Newton's. if he's the guy that is a symbol of success for you (even metaphorically) in this domain then ho boy you have bigger problems than just dating.
deltaonefour 5y ago
Don't ever take dating advice from women. What women think they want and what they actually want are two different things. Women find power attractive, and your confidence is a huge indicator of power. Toxic/objectifying men tend to have more confidence hence why they have more success. You can be confident without being toxic but it really doesn't matter. If she's super into you, your objectification of her takes a far back seat and is only really a factor if she intends on marrying you. Also this article just conveniently leaves out the importance of height and physical attractiveness. Typical for a woman to leave that out. Anyway... People who have an easy time dating also happen to be taller and physically attractive... coincidence? No. One influences the other. You have more success if you're attractive. More success makes you more confident, which makes you more attractive.
- tubby12345 5y ago
  >Don't ever take dating advice from women. What women think they want and what they actually want are two different things. man i guess if you really want to know what hn's values are then just broach dating. jesus.
  - deltaonefour 5y ago
    Sorry let me restate this in a way that seems less targeting. There are many areas of disconnect with people in general in what they think they want versus what they actually want. For example: Money. Many people (men especially) think they want lots of money. They don't. What they want is happiness. There's even data to back up the fact that past a certain point money doesn't make anyone happier. Yet the drive to become successful is so strong that men will sacrifice their happiness for a shot at more money. Why does burnout even exist? Because men desire money so much that they illogically sacrifice their happiness for something that won't bring them any more happiness. The above isn't absolutely true but it's a generality that people understand to be generally true. Like men and money... women and dating is one of these psychological disconnects humans have. The problem with many people and with you is that everyone has all these psychological triggers that are always on the look out for anything sexist or racist. Relax man, not many people are racist or sexist and HN should foster an environment where people are able to talk about real biological gender differences without getting cancelled.

by GDC7 5y ago

johnny22 5y ago

Eh, never was a problem for me. I don't have to "objectify" women. I just have to be secure in myself. Confidence that you're just fine on your own is waaay more important. Worst thing in my life was when i came off as desperate.

GDC7 5y ago
> Confidence that you're just fine on your own is waaay more important If that's the pitch to your ego, it'd quickly rebut : "then why are you going through all the rejections with the associated pain which makes me suffer so bad?" > Worst thing in my life was when i came off as desperate Do you think those who try and win the World Cup or the Super Bowl or even a get a loan or VC investment perceive themselves in the same way? The above goals are not unlike a healthy dating life. As a rule of thumb if it only happens with dating, then it's in your head and you have to find a way to justify constant failures in order to keep swinging for the fences and not demoralize yourself with thoughts such as "coming off as despearate". Cam Newton would not define himself as coming off as desperate for trying to win the Super Bowl, neither would Lionel Messi in his World Cup quest, Djokovic for the grand slam , you name it...dating isn't different, except of course the Lombardi Trophy can't publicly humiliate you with insults in the middle of the club or at the bar. But the few men who can practice transient objectification won't be hearing insults either as they have the capability of failing fast, blocking insults out , keep moving and keep swinging for the fences
- tubby12345 5y ago
  >"then why are you going through all the rejections with the associated pain which makes me suffer so bad?" you've assumed the premise without even knowing it and it's doubly ironic because it didn't occur to you exactly because of what you represent in your first comment. here's the answer that didn't occur to you because you just assumed you were right: lol what rejections and terrible suffering and pain? i'm recently married but during all of the time i dated (>15 years since high school) i had maybe one or two rejections at all (and none to speak of that were painful). and i had 2 relationships a year over that time (on average - college was college...). you know why? well for one because i did exactly what this person you responded to suggested: never objectified women and was always confident about my merits. the other thing i never did was treat dating like some kind of obsession or game, so never did i "swing for the fences". >Cam Newton coincidentally enough i went to college at UF and my time overlapped with Cam Newton's. if he's the guy that is a symbol of success for you (even metaphorically) in this domain then ho boy you have bigger problems than just dating.

deltaonefour 5y ago

Don't ever take dating advice from women. What women think they want and what they actually want are two different things. Women find power attractive, and your confidence is a huge indicator of power. Toxic/objectifying men tend to have more confidence hence why they have more success. You can be confident without being toxic but it really doesn't matter. If she's super into you, your objectification of her takes a far back seat and is only really a factor if she intends on marrying you. Also this article just conveniently leaves out the importance of height and physical attractiveness. Typical for a woman to leave that out. Anyway... People who have an easy time dating also happen to be taller and physically attractive... coincidence? No. One influences the other. You have more success if you're attractive. More success makes you more confident, which makes you more attractive.

tubby12345 5y ago
>Don't ever take dating advice from women. What women think they want and what they actually want are two different things. man i guess if you really want to know what hn's values are then just broach dating. jesus.
- deltaonefour 5y ago
  Sorry let me restate this in a way that seems less targeting. There are many areas of disconnect with people in general in what they think they want versus what they actually want. For example: Money. Many people (men especially) think they want lots of money. They don't. What they want is happiness. There's even data to back up the fact that past a certain point money doesn't make anyone happier. Yet the drive to become successful is so strong that men will sacrifice their happiness for a shot at more money. Why does burnout even exist? Because men desire money so much that they illogically sacrifice their happiness for something that won't bring them any more happiness. The above isn't absolutely true but it's a generality that people understand to be generally true. Like men and money... women and dating is one of these psychological disconnects humans have. The problem with many people and with you is that everyone has all these psychological triggers that are always on the look out for anything sexist or racist. Relax man, not many people are racist or sexist and HN should foster an environment where people are able to talk about real biological gender differences without getting cancelled.