5 ms·

This likely isn't relevant to you OP, but perhaps for someone else who is a little earlier in the process here. I'm in my late 30's and my parents are in their

This likely isn't relevant to you OP, but perhaps for someone else who is a little earlier in the process here. I'm in my late 30's and my parents are in their early 60's (Dad will be retiring next year). Two years ago we decided move into a multi-generational home. We found a place big enough for our family of 5, in addition to an "in-law" apartment big enough for my parents. This was born directly out of my parents' experience dealing with a very difficult aging/end of life process for my grandfather. We realized that the best approach would be to get well ahead of things (assuming a normal aging progression, we're a couple decades ahead of the issue). Obviously this was hugely specific to our situation, and wouldn't be an option for the majority of families, but it has worked very well for us so far, and hopefully will simplify a lot of the future. Just a handful of the specifics that have allowed this to work for us: * Both my wife and I have a very good relationship with my parents (my wife and my mom especially are very close) * I have a background in healthcare and don't have any concerns about participating in end-of-life care when the time comes (we certainly plan to bring in external help for day to day stuff) * We have young kids and my mom especially relishes being able to spend time with them. Obviously we're not accounting it for it hourly or anything, but the general approach we're taking is "You're helping us take care of the kids now, and we'll help take care of you when the time comes" * We live in Central New York, a place with pretty cheap real estate, so it was reasonable for us (on a single software developer's salary) to buy a big enough place (4 bedroom home on our side, in addition to their apartment). The home we found was pretty ideal, with two separate living spaces/kitchens/etc. The only common area that connects the two is the laundry room. So yeah, pretty specific circumstances that allowed us to do this, but I'd be happy to chat with anyone considering a similar plan.

beckman466 5y ago
beautiful, thanks for sharing.
germinalphrase 5y ago
For the right group, that sounds ideal.
- globular-toast 5y ago
  It's hard to tell sometimes what the right group is, though. My grandmother moved in with us. We all got on so well it seemed like the obvious thing to do. But she became depressed and just felt like she was living in someone else's house (which she was, really). Living together is a tricky thing and in my experience it's hard to know what will work. Worth a shot, though. They might love it.
  - JshWright 5y ago
    I think separate living spaces is really critical (I can't imagine doing it in the same space). My mom usually comes over in the morning to help get the kids out the door for school, but other than that it's not uncommon for us to go at least a day or two without seeing them. If you're going into it with a "give it a shot" attitude, be sure to do it early enough that changing plans is still an option.
    - lotsofpulp 5y ago
      Being neighbors is a preferable situation in my opinion also. Like everybody loves Raymond, but maybe a few more houses down.
202112031617 5y ago
There are so many lucky coincidences there that it reads like bragging - unintentionally I am sure. For example, I see no mention and not even a consideration of wife's parents - very convenient.
- JshWright 5y ago
  I acknowledged several times that there a number of special circumstances that allowed us to do this, and that it probably wouldn't work for the majority of folks, but I think it would work for more people than you're seeming to imply. I also made it clear that my comment wasn't intended to cover every single detail (like my wife's parents... and thousands of other details). I would have exceeded the max HN comment length several times over if I tried to cover everything. That's why I said I was happy to talk if anyone had any questions. Regarding my wife's parents, they also live close by, and I suspect we will be involved in their care as well, but they also have other (adult) kids in the area, so it makes sense for us to divide and conquer a bit. Our relationship with my wife's parents would not have worked in this setting though (which isn't to say we aren't close... we see them at least a couple times per month, but living in close proximity wouldn't have worked). This was absolutely a conversation we had with everyone involved though (including my in-laws) before we moved forward with the plan.
  - dang 5y ago
    Thanks for replying so well when you could have taken it as a provocation instead. That is not always easy. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
- dang 5y ago
  Hey - can you please not post like this? I realize that the topic is an emotional one and am sure you have good reasons for it, but it's against the site guidelines because of the effect it tends to have on discussion. Note especially this guideline: "Please respond to the strongest plausible interpretation of what someone says, not a weaker one that's easier to criticize. Assume good faith." https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html Usually when people react like that to a comment, it's because they have some important experience of their own that doesn't match with what the comment is describing. In that case a good way to respond is to share the relevant parts of your own experience, so the rest of us can have access to both. This is the best way for us to learn (which is why we're here) - and it also helps us learn at a meta level, that life is big and we need enough space to hear about all experiences.
wffurr 5y ago
I'd love to do something similar, but I have to move to a lower cost-of-living and warmer location for my parents to even consider it.
jareklupinski 5y ago
this sounds like a very healthy approach; Central New York would be a swing but i think i'll try to make something like this work out by me :)
ankurpatel 5y ago
Thanks for sharing and it is a great idea. I am currently in same situation where we are moving to a new home where it is big enough for my family and parents to live in one place. There is a lot of activities to do near by and weather is milder where we are going but agree the separation of space you have is the best to avoid petty disputes/differences that occur when living together.
dkarl 5y ago
I'm in an expensive city facing a similar scenario with my mother and my father-in-law. My wife and I are planning on adding space in the form of an ADU, which we will be able to rent out before and after our parents use it. The catch is that so far we only have a plan for how to house one of them at a time. My father-in-law is ten years younger, in good health, and already living in the same city, so we're hoping we don't need space for both of them at the same time, but if we do, we'll need another idea. It's interesting how much the conversation around this has changed. Twenty years ago you could believe you could find a nursing home that you could afford and that your parents could have a good enjoyable life in. Now I kind of figure that when they need more care than we can provide, the best institutional care we can afford, even at our income level, may well be a neglectful hellhole, so we're concentrating on keeping them with us right to the end if possible.
- JshWright 5y ago
  > Now I kind of figure that when they need more care than we can provide, the best institutional care we can afford, even at our income level, may well be a neglectful hellhole, so we're concentrating on keeping them with us right to the end if possible. Working as a paramedic definitely influenced my desire to do this. Even the best nursing homes are... not great.
- lotsofpulp 5y ago
  > Twenty years ago you could believe you could find a nursing home that you could afford and that your parents could have a good enjoyable life in. I thought the opposite, due to increasing average age and the population pyramid inverting from people having fewer kids. If I recall, there were quite a few articles even back when I was in late high school of college in early 2000s about the solvency of social security and the problem of baby boomers all retiring and living to older ages without a bigger population of younger generations behind them to keep up the labor supply. And my perception of nursing homes was terrible when I was a kid, so I cannot imagine what it will be like in the future. It is also why I have been so conservative in my estimates for how much I would need to accumulate during my working life to live my target retirement quality of life.
Cd00d 5y ago
I think this is a good solution, but I want to add a few disclaimers after watching my parents make a similar decision with my grandparents. My parents moved into my mom's childhood home with her parents, and renovated to build out a second floor with separate living/sleeping space (no extra kitchen). This was great in that the property became the de-facto gathering place for a large and geographically distributed family, and in a crunch the house could comfortably sleep 10 while my grandparents kept their comforts. That said some things were not smooth: * My parents and grandparents had trouble directly addressing uncomfortable topics. A significant example of this was when it was time for my grandmother to stop driving. The car would start to show surprise scratches and dents. My parents did not want to challenge my grandmothers stated sense of independence, and also had not budgeted a way to allow her to run her errands while they worked without driving (a driver a few hours a week, essentially). I consider this a high-liability failure. * I got the sense that money was also not talked about directly enough, and there was frequently an undercurrent or sense of resentment about who was footing what bill, and whether said bill was even necessary. * My mother, very sadly, started to deeply resent her parents after a long while for her perception of being trapped by the situation and unable to move on to other lifestyle choices. Part of this was due to my father taking a job out of state and being flying back for weekends, and my mom wanting to just join him in the new city full time. This resentment really soured their final years together, and is a real shame. Know going in that the decision you're making may go a decade longer than you initially calculated, and that your goals and priorities may shift in that time too, I guess. * My younger sister moved in with the four of them in her early 20s while trying to re-figure out how to launch. The result was a lot of arrested development and strange regressive relationship behavior - my sister literally started acting like a pre-teen around my parents again, they started talking to her like a child, and my grandparents went back to the scorn-filled gramp-grumps they'd been with little kids. Everyone leapt backward 10+ years in terms of their adult relationships and communication methods with each other. In the end, my grandparents were well cared for in their final years, and everyone did have more together time. The main benefit was the central gathering place for the extended family, and the house would fill for a few weeks of each year across all the holidays. I bought a house with room to build out a first floor en-suite that I hope my parents or in-laws will someday use, but I'm also keenly aware of the hiccups above. I think the main thing is clear communication about expectations, finances, and boundaries. Which I guess isn't different from normal life :)

beckman466 5y ago

beautiful, thanks for sharing.

germinalphrase 5y ago

For the right group, that sounds ideal.

globular-toast 5y ago
It's hard to tell sometimes what the right group is, though. My grandmother moved in with us. We all got on so well it seemed like the obvious thing to do. But she became depressed and just felt like she was living in someone else's house (which she was, really). Living together is a tricky thing and in my experience it's hard to know what will work. Worth a shot, though. They might love it.
- JshWright 5y ago
  I think separate living spaces is really critical (I can't imagine doing it in the same space). My mom usually comes over in the morning to help get the kids out the door for school, but other than that it's not uncommon for us to go at least a day or two without seeing them. If you're going into it with a "give it a shot" attitude, be sure to do it early enough that changing plans is still an option.
  - lotsofpulp 5y ago
    Being neighbors is a preferable situation in my opinion also. Like everybody loves Raymond, but maybe a few more houses down.

202112031617 5y ago

There are so many lucky coincidences there that it reads like bragging - unintentionally I am sure. For example, I see no mention and not even a consideration of wife's parents - very convenient.

JshWright 5y ago
I acknowledged several times that there a number of special circumstances that allowed us to do this, and that it probably wouldn't work for the majority of folks, but I think it would work for more people than you're seeming to imply. I also made it clear that my comment wasn't intended to cover every single detail (like my wife's parents... and thousands of other details). I would have exceeded the max HN comment length several times over if I tried to cover everything. That's why I said I was happy to talk if anyone had any questions. Regarding my wife's parents, they also live close by, and I suspect we will be involved in their care as well, but they also have other (adult) kids in the area, so it makes sense for us to divide and conquer a bit. Our relationship with my wife's parents would not have worked in this setting though (which isn't to say we aren't close... we see them at least a couple times per month, but living in close proximity wouldn't have worked). This was absolutely a conversation we had with everyone involved though (including my in-laws) before we moved forward with the plan.
- dang 5y ago
  Thanks for replying so well when you could have taken it as a provocation instead. That is not always easy. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
dang 5y ago
Hey - can you please not post like this? I realize that the topic is an emotional one and am sure you have good reasons for it, but it's against the site guidelines because of the effect it tends to have on discussion. Note especially this guideline: "Please respond to the strongest plausible interpretation of what someone says, not a weaker one that's easier to criticize. Assume good faith." https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html Usually when people react like that to a comment, it's because they have some important experience of their own that doesn't match with what the comment is describing. In that case a good way to respond is to share the relevant parts of your own experience, so the rest of us can have access to both. This is the best way for us to learn (which is why we're here) - and it also helps us learn at a meta level, that life is big and we need enough space to hear about all experiences.

wffurr 5y ago

I'd love to do something similar, but I have to move to a lower cost-of-living and warmer location for my parents to even consider it.

jareklupinski 5y ago

this sounds like a very healthy approach; Central New York would be a swing but i think i'll try to make something like this work out by me :)

ankurpatel 5y ago

Thanks for sharing and it is a great idea. I am currently in same situation where we are moving to a new home where it is big enough for my family and parents to live in one place. There is a lot of activities to do near by and weather is milder where we are going but agree the separation of space you have is the best to avoid petty disputes/differences that occur when living together.

dkarl 5y ago

I'm in an expensive city facing a similar scenario with my mother and my father-in-law. My wife and I are planning on adding space in the form of an ADU, which we will be able to rent out before and after our parents use it. The catch is that so far we only have a plan for how to house one of them at a time. My father-in-law is ten years younger, in good health, and already living in the same city, so we're hoping we don't need space for both of them at the same time, but if we do, we'll need another idea. It's interesting how much the conversation around this has changed. Twenty years ago you could believe you could find a nursing home that you could afford and that your parents could have a good enjoyable life in. Now I kind of figure that when they need more care than we can provide, the best institutional care we can afford, even at our income level, may well be a neglectful hellhole, so we're concentrating on keeping them with us right to the end if possible.

JshWright 5y ago
> Now I kind of figure that when they need more care than we can provide, the best institutional care we can afford, even at our income level, may well be a neglectful hellhole, so we're concentrating on keeping them with us right to the end if possible. Working as a paramedic definitely influenced my desire to do this. Even the best nursing homes are... not great.
lotsofpulp 5y ago
> Twenty years ago you could believe you could find a nursing home that you could afford and that your parents could have a good enjoyable life in. I thought the opposite, due to increasing average age and the population pyramid inverting from people having fewer kids. If I recall, there were quite a few articles even back when I was in late high school of college in early 2000s about the solvency of social security and the problem of baby boomers all retiring and living to older ages without a bigger population of younger generations behind them to keep up the labor supply. And my perception of nursing homes was terrible when I was a kid, so I cannot imagine what it will be like in the future. It is also why I have been so conservative in my estimates for how much I would need to accumulate during my working life to live my target retirement quality of life.

Cd00d 5y ago

I think this is a good solution, but I want to add a few disclaimers after watching my parents make a similar decision with my grandparents. My parents moved into my mom's childhood home with her parents, and renovated to build out a second floor with separate living/sleeping space (no extra kitchen). This was great in that the property became the de-facto gathering place for a large and geographically distributed family, and in a crunch the house could comfortably sleep 10 while my grandparents kept their comforts. That said some things were not smooth: * My parents and grandparents had trouble directly addressing uncomfortable topics. A significant example of this was when it was time for my grandmother to stop driving. The car would start to show surprise scratches and dents. My parents did not want to challenge my grandmothers stated sense of independence, and also had not budgeted a way to allow her to run her errands while they worked without driving (a driver a few hours a week, essentially). I consider this a high-liability failure. * I got the sense that money was also not talked about directly enough, and there was frequently an undercurrent or sense of resentment about who was footing what bill, and whether said bill was even necessary. * My mother, very sadly, started to deeply resent her parents after a long while for her perception of being trapped by the situation and unable to move on to other lifestyle choices. Part of this was due to my father taking a job out of state and being flying back for weekends, and my mom wanting to just join him in the new city full time. This resentment really soured their final years together, and is a real shame. Know going in that the decision you're making may go a decade longer than you initially calculated, and that your goals and priorities may shift in that time too, I guess. * My younger sister moved in with the four of them in her early 20s while trying to re-figure out how to launch. The result was a lot of arrested development and strange regressive relationship behavior - my sister literally started acting like a pre-teen around my parents again, they started talking to her like a child, and my grandparents went back to the scorn-filled gramp-grumps they'd been with little kids. Everyone leapt backward 10+ years in terms of their adult relationships and communication methods with each other. In the end, my grandparents were well cared for in their final years, and everyone did have more together time. The main benefit was the central gathering place for the extended family, and the house would fill for a few weeks of each year across all the holidays. I bought a house with room to build out a first floor en-suite that I hope my parents or in-laws will someday use, but I'm also keenly aware of the hiccups above. I think the main thing is clear communication about expectations, finances, and boundaries. Which I guess isn't different from normal life :)