That clarifies it and I've been feeling the same way for quite some time. Intrinsic goal-directed motivation seems hard to come by and being productive in compl

That clarifies it and I've been feeling the same way for quite some time. Intrinsic goal-directed motivation seems hard to come by and being productive in complete vacuum unrealistic for most. Perhaps it would be a good start to seek companionship with those already involved in something that feels worthwhile to you. Now there's several cool online communities (thinking of FOSS projects or speedrunning) but those might be too shallow depending on the depth of the engagement you can muster. There's also the possibility of IRL involvement there with meetups or such. And this could be a window to something more, who knows? Smaller interest groups also form in the context of universities, although whether you become aware of them or get access depends on specifics. There might also be non-tech communities near you, perhaps gardening, miniature trains (big in Germany) or model engineering to which the above also applies. I find that being in your head all the time like it is with science/technology can become burdensome so how about a more "physical" pursuit for a change? Sorry if this self-evident. It's difficult to assess from afar and I don't have first-hand experience which I realise you were asking for, but I guessed this is better than no answer.