3 ms·

>(5) The role of women in all this. Sometimes I find myself trying to avoid "sausage party" events but maybe that's a mistake. (EDIT: I should mention I'm some

by tsol 5y ago

>(5) The role of women in all this. Sometimes I find myself trying to avoid "sausage party" events but maybe that's a mistake. (EDIT: I should mention I'm somewhat exaggerating the differences to highlight them in this post) As someone who's exposed to different cultures fairly regularly(im Indian American, and a Muslim) I feel this one is a odd American cultural quirk. Among many of my friends of a similar cultural background(Muslims, or just Indians) to me I see a large value placed on "chilling with your bros". It's generally a very open space, where even the quiet awkward member of the group has no reason to be judged. And it happens pretty often-- the reason for doing it is because that's what people do. But I find with my Caucasian American friends there usually has to be a _reason_ for men to hang out. I don't know if it's a culture just pushes the pursuit of women a little too hard, or fear of something. Even with the extroverts, you have to go to a bar, or a show or something. With my other friends we'll go out and eat, or even just sit on someone's couch and make jokes if there's nothing else to. There isn't as much friction. Keeping friends is easy. I don't mean any of this in a "superior" way-- in fact I feel like with every generation my culture grows more like the larger American culture-- a little more awkward and formal. So I'm not saying we have all the answers, these are just observations I've made. To me it feels like Americans used to really value "man time"-- going out and BBQing or going camping just to spend time with other men-- isn't really valued anymore. Sometimes it's even looked down upon as excessively masculine and unnecessary, or even gay(I've felt this when i told a friend who moved away that I missed him and made a joke about me being gay-- not saying it's universal). I'd say articles like this reimforce the value of men hanging out with men just to have someone who gets you

bell-cot 5y ago
It's tempting to say that the main reason (for Caucasian American men needing a _reason_ to hang out) is over-exposure to capitalist mass-media - where endless advertising portrays ~all male socialization as being centered around consumption of $Advertiser's products & services.
IAmWorried 5y ago
I think this totally depends on where you look. I've had a great time during the pandemic just living with my high school friends, hanging out, drinking and smoking and just doing whatever. And before the pandemic, this is what my work friends and I would do in the bay area pretty much every day. I think the key here is to just find grounded, normal people. There are a lot of insane narcissists in this country that need to consume, post, buy, etc. Kind of like the movie "American Psycho". These people generally suck IMO and I try to avoid them. My personal rule of thumb is that the more time a person spends on social media, the less I will find in common with them. I find social media obsession to be highly correlated with being an unpleasant narcissist.
- tsol 5y ago
  >drinking and smoking and just doing whatever Just to demonstrate one of the issues-- How about if your friends don't do this? Right there is a huge barrier to socializing-- you tend to hang out with people with similar drug habits. When someone gets sober, they often report losing a lot of friends because the alcohol is the common ground and without it hanging out on a couch doing nothing feels weird. >I think the key here is to just find grounded, normal people. I agree, I'm kind of exaggerating the difference between cultures in order to highlight it-- but it's not like I have no Caucasian American friends that can just hang out. I definitely do. It feels more like some people are more within that isolating sort of culture, while others aren't. A close friend from high school reached a point where he wouldn't hang out unless we were doing something, while there was a less close friend who I still hang out with as he's open to just hanging out for the sake of hanging out without needing to include an activity. The experience of the first friend still puzzles me, but the second friend is just like most friends from my culture.
strikelaserclaw 5y ago
I don't think so man, tons of frat bros just hang out drink beer and play darts or whatever. There are obviously people who are desperate for a relationship or to get laid, but you find these guys in every race of people.
- tsol 5y ago
  Frat bros are together because of a shared space. It's how many of them stay friends 5 years down the line that would be relevant here. Also I would say drinking together is something to do, being able to be sober with others is a undervalued skill.

by tsol 5y ago

bell-cot 5y ago

It's tempting to say that the main reason (for Caucasian American men needing a _reason_ to hang out) is over-exposure to capitalist mass-media - where endless advertising portrays ~all male socialization as being centered around consumption of $Advertiser's products & services.

IAmWorried 5y ago

I think this totally depends on where you look. I've had a great time during the pandemic just living with my high school friends, hanging out, drinking and smoking and just doing whatever. And before the pandemic, this is what my work friends and I would do in the bay area pretty much every day. I think the key here is to just find grounded, normal people. There are a lot of insane narcissists in this country that need to consume, post, buy, etc. Kind of like the movie "American Psycho". These people generally suck IMO and I try to avoid them. My personal rule of thumb is that the more time a person spends on social media, the less I will find in common with them. I find social media obsession to be highly correlated with being an unpleasant narcissist.

tsol 5y ago
>drinking and smoking and just doing whatever Just to demonstrate one of the issues-- How about if your friends don't do this? Right there is a huge barrier to socializing-- you tend to hang out with people with similar drug habits. When someone gets sober, they often report losing a lot of friends because the alcohol is the common ground and without it hanging out on a couch doing nothing feels weird. >I think the key here is to just find grounded, normal people. I agree, I'm kind of exaggerating the difference between cultures in order to highlight it-- but it's not like I have no Caucasian American friends that can just hang out. I definitely do. It feels more like some people are more within that isolating sort of culture, while others aren't. A close friend from high school reached a point where he wouldn't hang out unless we were doing something, while there was a less close friend who I still hang out with as he's open to just hanging out for the sake of hanging out without needing to include an activity. The experience of the first friend still puzzles me, but the second friend is just like most friends from my culture.

strikelaserclaw 5y ago

I don't think so man, tons of frat bros just hang out drink beer and play darts or whatever. There are obviously people who are desperate for a relationship or to get laid, but you find these guys in every race of people.

tsol 5y ago
Frat bros are together because of a shared space. It's how many of them stay friends 5 years down the line that would be relevant here. Also I would say drinking together is something to do, being able to be sober with others is a undervalued skill.