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Sugarcoat is completely the wrong approach. Ultimately it comes down to receptivity of the audience. Some people cannot listen, a cognitive impairment, such as

Sugarcoat is completely the wrong approach. Ultimately it comes down to receptivity of the audience. Some people cannot listen, a cognitive impairment, such as Dunning-Kruger. In this case it doesn’t matter what you say because they hear: I’m awesome. Don’t waste your time. Be direct and be deliberately honest. Do not soften the blow. If the product is complete shit then start with that. Then find the merits, opportunities for improvements, and provide guidance for the path forward. For some reason, contrary to all expectations, this is so much easier and effective with children than adults. Children seem more inclined to learning and a willingness to accept productive feedback while adults are more inclined to filter commentary and simply stop listening.

dukeyukey 5y ago
Children don't have preconceived notions that failure is anything more than not doing a thing, or not doing a thing right. To an adult, failure is a reason why could be fired, or something that loses them the respect of their peers, or proof that their imposter syndrome was right all along.
- austincheney 5y ago
  That sounds like the perfect description of fragility and indicates behavior of damaged risk analysis.
  - kayodelycaon 5y ago
    Just because you don’t worry about a particular thing doesn’t mean anyone who does is “fragile” or “damaged”.
    - austincheney 5y ago
      Yes, the complete inability to handle failure is absolutely an indication of fragility. I don’t feel that bad if this personal opinion crushes the soul of an emotionally mature adult.
Swenrekcah 5y ago
I think it’s more effective with children because they intuitively understand they are below the adult in the social order and so will listen to what they’re told. When we start to think of ourselves as someone with a certain status we get much less receptive to criticism from those we perceive as the same or lower social status. This can be consciously corrected for but takes some effort and practice.
kayodelycaon 5y ago
> Do not soften the blow. I really think this is a poor phrasing as it has negative connotations. Same with “brutal honesty” which is often used as an excuse to throw out empathy. Treating people well is not at odds with being honest and clear. If anything, it’s kinder to bring up issues early, no matter how painful it might be. My observation had been many people who become managers lack the necessary social skills to do a good job. They do not have the context to understand what not “sugarcoating” actually means. Instead they take the easy half the advice and implement it badly.
- austincheney 5y ago
  Brutal honesty does not throw out empathy. Throwing out empathy is a disregard for perspective, which may or may not have anything to do with offense perceived or actual. A careful regard for offense is more sympathy than empathy. Brutal honesty is a disregard for social rituals. These qualities are orthogonal as you can have both empathy and brutal honesty.

dukeyukey 5y ago

Children don't have preconceived notions that failure is anything more than not doing a thing, or not doing a thing right. To an adult, failure is a reason why could be fired, or something that loses them the respect of their peers, or proof that their imposter syndrome was right all along.

austincheney 5y ago
That sounds like the perfect description of fragility and indicates behavior of damaged risk analysis.
- kayodelycaon 5y ago
  Just because you don’t worry about a particular thing doesn’t mean anyone who does is “fragile” or “damaged”.
  - austincheney 5y ago
    Yes, the complete inability to handle failure is absolutely an indication of fragility. I don’t feel that bad if this personal opinion crushes the soul of an emotionally mature adult.

Swenrekcah 5y ago

I think it’s more effective with children because they intuitively understand they are below the adult in the social order and so will listen to what they’re told. When we start to think of ourselves as someone with a certain status we get much less receptive to criticism from those we perceive as the same or lower social status. This can be consciously corrected for but takes some effort and practice.

kayodelycaon 5y ago

> Do not soften the blow. I really think this is a poor phrasing as it has negative connotations. Same with “brutal honesty” which is often used as an excuse to throw out empathy. Treating people well is not at odds with being honest and clear. If anything, it’s kinder to bring up issues early, no matter how painful it might be. My observation had been many people who become managers lack the necessary social skills to do a good job. They do not have the context to understand what not “sugarcoating” actually means. Instead they take the easy half the advice and implement it badly.

austincheney 5y ago
Brutal honesty does not throw out empathy. Throwing out empathy is a disregard for perspective, which may or may not have anything to do with offense perceived or actual. A careful regard for offense is more sympathy than empathy. Brutal honesty is a disregard for social rituals. These qualities are orthogonal as you can have both empathy and brutal honesty.