4 ms·

So you are suggesting I should be making small talk to reassure people?

by fffact 5y ago

vidarh 5y ago
The interesting thing, and I tested this extensively years ago in an attempt to be more social, is that it takes very little. Most people don't care about you talking, as much as being given the right signals. And most people love to be the ones talking. Here's an "exercise": Next time you're in a shop, get your wallet ready before you get to the cashier. At the cashiers most people look down at their wallet or at their shopping, and so giving cashiers eye contact is like a super-power. Look them in the eye and say "how are you?" as you pay. And rather than hurry, pause at that point for a second. It's absolutely remarkable how much of a difference it made, to the point where I dialled it back because it led to too much extra social contact for me. E.g. I also started greeting the bus drivers at my local bus route, and within a week one of them recognised me at the gym and started talking to me regularly. I'd lived there and taken the same bus for a decade prior to that and never gotten recognised. At the shop near where I worked, cashiers who had never said a word to me in the previous years, suddenly started telling me their life stories, and I'd observe them rush to open new lanes when I approached and there was a queue, sometimes even specifically telling me. And I made no effort to actually hold a conversation beyond that "how are you?" or occasionally "how was your weekend?" once I'd talked to them a couple of times. The point being that you can learn a handful of little "magic" incantations that basically hand all the job of the chatting over to the other person, and leave you basically doing simple "followups" like asking "really?" or agreeing. The irony is that doing that, you can let people learn absolutely nothing about you, and they'll still go away with a positive impression of you because you gave them an opportunity to talk about the things they care about. If you're interested in that approach, Leil Lowndes has books that are quite useful in offering advice that are relatively pragmatic in this way of how to "be social" without necessarily being a chatterbox. I think "Goodbye to shy" is one of them.
- brokenmachine 5y ago
  The biggest problem for me is I hate wasting time listening to people prattle on. I am aware that I can befriend people, most of the time I don't want to because I don't expect more than endless boring information about their drive to work or the weather or whatever. Usually I'd rather be neutral and anonymous and not have to stand and listen. Of course this isn't ideal in a work environment, but honestly there's very few people that I actually enjoy listening to, and even less that I enjoy talking about myself to. I'm a private person and at work that becomes difficult.
  - vidarh 5y ago
    I get that. I feel much the same myself. It's a tradeoff between what you're willing to sacrifice for the sake of building a relationship with someone. For me, experimenting with it was helpful in that it taught me that on one hand I didn't want to be social most of the time - I at one point thought that if I just got better at it I'd learn to like it, but I don't. On the other hand, being better at it did make it easier to put up with selectively doing it when it feels like it's worth it - e.g. with people whom I want to be able to work more effectively with for example. It can also help in being able to at least lessen the pain to get better at redirecting the conversation to be the least annoying possible.
    - brokenmachine 5y ago
      100% agree with all that. Knowing how to appear sociable is an important skill, I can do it but find it quite mentally draining. I suspect that I just don't think like most people, I prefer deep one-on-one conversations to superficial stuff. Having said that, I do understand the paradox that I will never get to the deep conversations without having to get through the small talk with someone I don't know well, but at that stage I don't even know if they're the kind of person who is capable of or even wants to have a deep conversation at all... I haven't worked that one out yet. I think it's because of time pressure. I don't ever seem to be able to find enough time for myself as it is. I have much more "free" time than most people, but my hobbies seem to automatically and seamlessly fill whatever time I have! Most people don't seem to be ever become so focused on their hobbies, except people on the internet with their super-detailed sites on niche topics, but I never seem to meet them, or perhaps I just never elicit their obsession out of them. If I had unlimited time with no responsibilities, maybe I would feel like I have more time to chat with others, but that's not reality, and at least up until now I have not once ever felt like I have as much free time as I'd want. Just rambling now, but it boggles my mind how anyone could ever get a chance to feel bored with so much interesting stuff in this world. >It can also help in being able to at least lessen the pain to get better at redirecting the conversation to be the least annoying possible. Haha, this resonated with me. I will try to focus on redirection rather than avoidance strategies. Thanks for that. I read a quote recently, "Be curious, not judgemental", and I will try to do that.

So you are suggesting I should be making small talk to reassure people?

by fffact 5y ago

So you are suggesting I should be making small talk to reassure people?

The interesting thing, and I tested this extensively years ago in an attempt to be more social, is that it takes very little. Most people don't care about you talking, as much as being given the right signals. And most people love to be the ones talking. Here's an "exercise": Next time you're in a shop, get your wallet ready before you get to the cashier. At the cashiers most people look down at their wallet or at their shopping, and so giving cashiers eye contact is like a super-power. Look them in the eye and say "how are you?" as you pay. And rather than hurry, pause at that point for a second. It's absolutely remarkable how much of a difference it made, to the point where I dialled it back because it led to too much extra social contact for me. E.g. I also started greeting the bus drivers at my local bus route, and within a week one of them recognised me at the gym and started talking to me regularly. I'd lived there and taken the same bus for a decade prior to that and never gotten recognised. At the shop near where I worked, cashiers who had never said a word to me in the previous years, suddenly started telling me their life stories, and I'd observe them rush to open new lanes when I approached and there was a queue, sometimes even specifically telling me. And I made no effort to actually hold a conversation beyond that "how are you?" or occasionally "how was your weekend?" once I'd talked to them a couple of times. The point being that you can learn a handful of little "magic" incantations that basically hand all the job of the chatting over to the other person, and leave you basically doing simple "followups" like asking "really?" or agreeing. The irony is that doing that, you can let people learn absolutely nothing about you, and they'll still go away with a positive impression of you because you gave them an opportunity to talk about the things they care about. If you're interested in that approach, Leil Lowndes has books that are quite useful in offering advice that are relatively pragmatic in this way of how to "be social" without necessarily being a chatterbox. I think "Goodbye to shy" is one of them.

brokenmachine 5y ago
The biggest problem for me is I hate wasting time listening to people prattle on. I am aware that I can befriend people, most of the time I don't want to because I don't expect more than endless boring information about their drive to work or the weather or whatever. Usually I'd rather be neutral and anonymous and not have to stand and listen. Of course this isn't ideal in a work environment, but honestly there's very few people that I actually enjoy listening to, and even less that I enjoy talking about myself to. I'm a private person and at work that becomes difficult.
- vidarh 5y ago
  I get that. I feel much the same myself. It's a tradeoff between what you're willing to sacrifice for the sake of building a relationship with someone. For me, experimenting with it was helpful in that it taught me that on one hand I didn't want to be social most of the time - I at one point thought that if I just got better at it I'd learn to like it, but I don't. On the other hand, being better at it did make it easier to put up with selectively doing it when it feels like it's worth it - e.g. with people whom I want to be able to work more effectively with for example. It can also help in being able to at least lessen the pain to get better at redirecting the conversation to be the least annoying possible.
  - brokenmachine 5y ago
    100% agree with all that. Knowing how to appear sociable is an important skill, I can do it but find it quite mentally draining. I suspect that I just don't think like most people, I prefer deep one-on-one conversations to superficial stuff. Having said that, I do understand the paradox that I will never get to the deep conversations without having to get through the small talk with someone I don't know well, but at that stage I don't even know if they're the kind of person who is capable of or even wants to have a deep conversation at all... I haven't worked that one out yet. I think it's because of time pressure. I don't ever seem to be able to find enough time for myself as it is. I have much more "free" time than most people, but my hobbies seem to automatically and seamlessly fill whatever time I have! Most people don't seem to be ever become so focused on their hobbies, except people on the internet with their super-detailed sites on niche topics, but I never seem to meet them, or perhaps I just never elicit their obsession out of them. If I had unlimited time with no responsibilities, maybe I would feel like I have more time to chat with others, but that's not reality, and at least up until now I have not once ever felt like I have as much free time as I'd want. Just rambling now, but it boggles my mind how anyone could ever get a chance to feel bored with so much interesting stuff in this world. >It can also help in being able to at least lessen the pain to get better at redirecting the conversation to be the least annoying possible. Haha, this resonated with me. I will try to focus on redirection rather than avoidance strategies. Thanks for that. I read a quote recently, "Be curious, not judgemental", and I will try to do that.