3 ms·

it seems to me that the biggest problem OP faces is the relationship to themselves. Before you can effectively love others you need to be able to be good compan

it seems to me that the biggest problem OP faces is the relationship to themselves. Before you can effectively love others you need to be able to be good company to yourself. Because who will put up with you if you don't even think you're worthy of love. I stopped counting the number of times they mentioned that they considered themselves stupid. There is so much negative and toxic self critic in this post that my feeling is that this is the biggest most fundamental issue that I would look at tackling. Once you can sit in a room by yourself and be truly happy with your own company go and be open to relationships - but not before - otherwise you're back to square one but only worse because now you have an additional reason that you will use to justify your self hate. Love yourself first. Out of that love maybe you find somebody maybe not. It doesn't matter. Out of that maybe kids can happen - or not. If you ask your partner (or worse your kids) to fix you eventually it will all come back to you. You gotta do that work in the end by yourself. Anything else is cheating.

thevagrant 5y ago
Your points are also true. In my life, kids helped me relearn what it was like to be young. It took me a number of years to realise I had bad depression / anhedonia. My kids helped my focus on what was important. I accepted myself for who I am and was able to feel happy again. My kids think I'm the great wizard with technology, even if I'm considered average. Message to OP We can't all be famous or the best at something. We don't all have eidetic memories. You will meet those savant like personalities and they will skew your view of the world, to think that you are not capable by comparing. Stop comparing. You can do great things. The greatest achievement is to live a long life and to challenge yourself. Be the best you can be. Accept your limits. Use your ability to help others and take joy in that. If you can't be Einstein or Tesla, take pride in being part of their journey. No one will remember us. This is the norm.
- etrautmann 5y ago
  Interesting example though, given that Einstein had very little outward success until the middle of his life as well.
- dustymcp 5y ago
  Ive had the same feeling now i make video games for my kids instead, who needs the toxic masses accept when you are the world to these 2 miracles..
throwaway803453 5y ago
"Because who will put up with you if you don't even think you're worthy of love." The answer is people who don't know the real you. Would anyone love you if they saw a clip show of all the lies, betrayal, hypocrisy, times you yelled at your family, embarrassing fails, wasted potential, etc. But for many of us that clip show plays daily in our heads as a reminder to stop being so shitty and it comes at the price of our self-esteem.
nzmsv 5y ago
There's another angle here too. Kids often force us to re-evaluate our own habits and improve. Here's what I mean. Imagine you are teaching your kid (OP: the kid can be imaginary, just imagine that you love them very much) about nutrition and all they want to do is eat junk food. You talk about how important it is for their health, and suddenly realize that maybe your own diet isn't the greatest. And if you wouldn't advise your own diet to your kid, why are you eating this stuff? Same with the overly harsh inner critic. Imagine your kid with this kind of self-talk. You'd want to hug them first and foremost, and second - teach them healthier ways of processing these emotions. Yes, having ambition and pride in one's work are important, but so it having confidence. Undermining confidence is counterproductive to achievement. Ideally you'd want to see your kid try hard, notice when they fail, take responsibility, and try harder next time rather than hitting the easy mode "mope button". My kids taught me both these lessons.
SyzygistSix 5y ago
>I stopped counting the number of times they mentioned that they considered themselves stupid. There is so much negative and toxic self critic in this post that my feeling is that this is the biggest most fundamental issue that I would look at tackling. This. OP sounds like a great candidate for counseling/therapy from a psychologist who is a licensed counselor. It sometimes takes a few tries to find the right one, but it is worth the effort.

thevagrant 5y ago

Your points are also true. In my life, kids helped me relearn what it was like to be young. It took me a number of years to realise I had bad depression / anhedonia. My kids helped my focus on what was important. I accepted myself for who I am and was able to feel happy again. My kids think I'm the great wizard with technology, even if I'm considered average. Message to OP We can't all be famous or the best at something. We don't all have eidetic memories. You will meet those savant like personalities and they will skew your view of the world, to think that you are not capable by comparing. Stop comparing. You can do great things. The greatest achievement is to live a long life and to challenge yourself. Be the best you can be. Accept your limits. Use your ability to help others and take joy in that. If you can't be Einstein or Tesla, take pride in being part of their journey. No one will remember us. This is the norm.

etrautmann 5y ago
Interesting example though, given that Einstein had very little outward success until the middle of his life as well.
dustymcp 5y ago
Ive had the same feeling now i make video games for my kids instead, who needs the toxic masses accept when you are the world to these 2 miracles..

throwaway803453 5y ago

"Because who will put up with you if you don't even think you're worthy of love." The answer is people who don't know the real you. Would anyone love you if they saw a clip show of all the lies, betrayal, hypocrisy, times you yelled at your family, embarrassing fails, wasted potential, etc. But for many of us that clip show plays daily in our heads as a reminder to stop being so shitty and it comes at the price of our self-esteem.

nzmsv 5y ago

There's another angle here too. Kids often force us to re-evaluate our own habits and improve. Here's what I mean. Imagine you are teaching your kid (OP: the kid can be imaginary, just imagine that you love them very much) about nutrition and all they want to do is eat junk food. You talk about how important it is for their health, and suddenly realize that maybe your own diet isn't the greatest. And if you wouldn't advise your own diet to your kid, why are you eating this stuff? Same with the overly harsh inner critic. Imagine your kid with this kind of self-talk. You'd want to hug them first and foremost, and second - teach them healthier ways of processing these emotions. Yes, having ambition and pride in one's work are important, but so it having confidence. Undermining confidence is counterproductive to achievement. Ideally you'd want to see your kid try hard, notice when they fail, take responsibility, and try harder next time rather than hitting the easy mode "mope button". My kids taught me both these lessons.

SyzygistSix 5y ago

>I stopped counting the number of times they mentioned that they considered themselves stupid. There is so much negative and toxic self critic in this post that my feeling is that this is the biggest most fundamental issue that I would look at tackling. This. OP sounds like a great candidate for counseling/therapy from a psychologist who is a licensed counselor. It sometimes takes a few tries to find the right one, but it is worth the effort.