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Also social pressure and expectations. How many people would feel comfortable saying "Sorry mom/dad/friend/potential partner, I'm not going to have kids because

Also social pressure and expectations. How many people would feel comfortable saying "Sorry mom/dad/friend/potential partner, I'm not going to have kids because I'm worried I might not be a good parent or maybe even take my own life"?

hh3k0 5y ago
You could simply state that you've lived with depression your entire life and that it's not something you'd wish for your offspring to inherit... or something along those lines. Just make sure to point out early that you're not interested in kids, you can bring up your motivation for that once you're comfortable enough to share it.
holdenk 5y ago
My partner and I talked about our health (and mental health) in the context of deciding if we wanted to be parents to a kid. I like to think that's a normal enough conversation to have.
nonbirithm 5y ago
It isn't just about pressure. I've told people things like this while not caring about the stigma and it has always negatively affected the relationship, because I'm perceived as acting too vulnerable too soon. As a result, none of my friendships have advanced past a superficial level. From my experience, it seems there is a good reason for the stigma. Depressed people with pessimistic worldviews don't make good friends. The worst time for me to make friends is when I need other people the most (such as when I'm depressed), but when I don't need people my interest in them becomes almost nil. Also, I highly empathize with the idea that when the fear of failure can be linked to the risk of one's life spiraling out of control potentially all the way to suicide, whether or not those consequences logically follow, it takes away a lot of options that might sound common-sense to someone of a healthy mind (aiming for challenging side projects, putting yourself in front of others). For such people, I believe shielding yourself from those signals is a valid option for survival, even if it means having to deceive yourself temporarily.
cyberpunk 5y ago
No one is ever ready to become a parent. I mean, "we" (I assume we're all in relatively stable, high paying, high demand, low risk jobs) certainly are much better placed to be them than say, my parents were... But nothing prepares you for the abject horror of your entire way of life ending in such a dramatic way. I mean... It was worth it, I kinda like the wee guy.. But it's BRUTAL at the start. Doesn't help that all your mrs's intsa-friends are posting bollocks about how great everything is while you've been trying to get your newborn out for a walk for 5 hours and failed.. heh. Don't overthink that stuff though.. I mean, you kinda know deep down if you've got it in you or not. It's kinda like having a puppy times a million..
titanomachy 5y ago
I said it. I'm not suicidal, but I told my partner that I wouldn't be comfortable having kids unless I could significantly improve my mental health, and that while I would keep trying I couldn't be sure that I ever would. That ended our relationship. I think it was good to be up-front about it.

hh3k0 5y ago

You could simply state that you've lived with depression your entire life and that it's not something you'd wish for your offspring to inherit... or something along those lines. Just make sure to point out early that you're not interested in kids, you can bring up your motivation for that once you're comfortable enough to share it.

holdenk 5y ago

My partner and I talked about our health (and mental health) in the context of deciding if we wanted to be parents to a kid. I like to think that's a normal enough conversation to have.

nonbirithm 5y ago

It isn't just about pressure. I've told people things like this while not caring about the stigma and it has always negatively affected the relationship, because I'm perceived as acting too vulnerable too soon. As a result, none of my friendships have advanced past a superficial level. From my experience, it seems there is a good reason for the stigma. Depressed people with pessimistic worldviews don't make good friends. The worst time for me to make friends is when I need other people the most (such as when I'm depressed), but when I don't need people my interest in them becomes almost nil. Also, I highly empathize with the idea that when the fear of failure can be linked to the risk of one's life spiraling out of control potentially all the way to suicide, whether or not those consequences logically follow, it takes away a lot of options that might sound common-sense to someone of a healthy mind (aiming for challenging side projects, putting yourself in front of others). For such people, I believe shielding yourself from those signals is a valid option for survival, even if it means having to deceive yourself temporarily.

cyberpunk 5y ago

No one is ever ready to become a parent. I mean, "we" (I assume we're all in relatively stable, high paying, high demand, low risk jobs) certainly are much better placed to be them than say, my parents were... But nothing prepares you for the abject horror of your entire way of life ending in such a dramatic way. I mean... It was worth it, I kinda like the wee guy.. But it's BRUTAL at the start. Doesn't help that all your mrs's intsa-friends are posting bollocks about how great everything is while you've been trying to get your newborn out for a walk for 5 hours and failed.. heh. Don't overthink that stuff though.. I mean, you kinda know deep down if you've got it in you or not. It's kinda like having a puppy times a million..

titanomachy 5y ago

I said it. I'm not suicidal, but I told my partner that I wouldn't be comfortable having kids unless I could significantly improve my mental health, and that while I would keep trying I couldn't be sure that I ever would. That ended our relationship. I think it was good to be up-front about it.