4 ms·

I can relate to the devastating on many levels part. I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, a

by icu 5y ago

I can relate to the devastating on many levels part. I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I know this is unsolicited advice, but for what it's worth take some time to figure out how and why you found yourself in the situation. Write about the past and use the writing to process the negative emotions. You'll come to a deeper understanding of yourself, and the world, which is when you can start constructing a compelling future. I hope you find peace and happiness in the future.

koonsolo 5y ago
> It was existentially disorienting. I had a family with 3 kids, so it left quite an impact on me. For years I felt like the real me was still non-divorced, living his life like normal. And I ended up in this surreal parallel universe, where I'm divorced and living in some kind of bad dream. Good thing that feeling is over, and I was able to pick up my life again. Your mind can play some crazy tricks to cope with certain situations.
lm28469 5y ago
> I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I feel like it happens a lot in modern relationships. People become so interdependent and build themselves and their identities propped against each-other (to the point of neglecting families and friends even), so much that when it chatters it's a life changing experience. The interdependence could even be a cause of the breakup itself. I also feel like a lot of dysfunctional couples are staying together not to break the illusion (some kind of weir sunk cost fallacy). People need space and solitude to find themselves, only then they can start building healthy and stable relationships, ~50% of married couple divorce (and much more unmarried breakup), statistically your couple won't last, live like every day is the last day of your relationship and make the best out of it (it also helps keeping the gears of love running). Treat love as a drug (or food), when used in moderation and in a safe manner it can be soothing and positive, when your life starts to exclusively revolve around it it quickly can spiral out of control. Maintain a good routine; friends, hobbies, sport, job, &c. Read books about the psychology of love, couples, relationships, breakups, it helps a lot when you figure out that most people are going through the same thing and are getting past it with time. You can also check out stoic philosophers and how to live for and by yourself, you don't have to take it to the letter but it certainly gives you another point of view.
- acoard 5y ago
  > ~50% of married couple divorce That figure is outdated and I'd challenge what it represents. Here's more up to date info: >The most recent data we have from the 2019 American Community Survey puts the rate at 14.9 divorces per 1,000 marriages, the lowest number since 1970. [0] Further, the "50% of marriages end in divorce" is heavily skewed because it includes serial divorces/remarriages. If 5 couples marry for life, and one person goes through 5 spouses, then 50% of marriages end in divorce. But what you're really saying is that 80% of marriages are stable and 20% are unstable, not 50/50. Divorce, and re-marriage, also increase the chance of future divorce according to the Census Bureau[1]. [0] https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/what-is-divorce-rate-america/ https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/what-is-divorce-rate-ame... [1] https://legaljobs.io/blog/divorce-rate-in-america/ https://legaljobs.io/blog/divorce-rate-in-america/
  - mensetmanusman 5y ago
    The increasing percentage of non-divorcing marriages might be self-selecting in a sense since it is now socially acceptable to never get married, so we miss out on ‘breakups’ that are long/medium term. (E.g. non-married couples sleeping together for 5 years and having no children and then having a horrible breakup is more likely today than 100 years ago, and they are lost in the divorce statistic).
    - williamtrask 5y ago
      Yeah but if there aren’t kids or financial assets intertwined and there wasn’t ever the expectation of “forever” it’s a very different thing.
      - Fire-Dragon-DoL 5y ago
        Isn't marriage by default (law-wise) forcing an assets-split? Going back to the original state would be fine, but that's not what usually happens from my understanding
    - Fire-Dragon-DoL 5y ago
vecinu 5y ago
> I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. Right, I can relate to this, especially because I never got closure on exactly why I wasn't worth fighting for or being given a heads up that I was doing something very wrong. > I know this is unsolicited advice, but for what it's worth take some time to figure out how and why you found yourself in the situation. I'm going to try and do that, I think reflecting back over the last decade, I definitely changed a lot and there were signs of some things not working but I always had this "you have to give it everything you've got" attitude and didn't want to give up. > I hope you find peace and happiness in the future. Thank you, I hope you do as well!

by icu 5y ago

koonsolo 5y ago

> It was existentially disorienting. I had a family with 3 kids, so it left quite an impact on me. For years I felt like the real me was still non-divorced, living his life like normal. And I ended up in this surreal parallel universe, where I'm divorced and living in some kind of bad dream. Good thing that feeling is over, and I was able to pick up my life again. Your mind can play some crazy tricks to cope with certain situations.

lm28469 5y ago

> I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I feel like it happens a lot in modern relationships. People become so interdependent and build themselves and their identities propped against each-other (to the point of neglecting families and friends even), so much that when it chatters it's a life changing experience. The interdependence could even be a cause of the breakup itself. I also feel like a lot of dysfunctional couples are staying together not to break the illusion (some kind of weir sunk cost fallacy). People need space and solitude to find themselves, only then they can start building healthy and stable relationships, ~50% of married couple divorce (and much more unmarried breakup), statistically your couple won't last, live like every day is the last day of your relationship and make the best out of it (it also helps keeping the gears of love running). Treat love as a drug (or food), when used in moderation and in a safe manner it can be soothing and positive, when your life starts to exclusively revolve around it it quickly can spiral out of control. Maintain a good routine; friends, hobbies, sport, job, &c. Read books about the psychology of love, couples, relationships, breakups, it helps a lot when you figure out that most people are going through the same thing and are getting past it with time. You can also check out stoic philosophers and how to live for and by yourself, you don't have to take it to the letter but it certainly gives you another point of view.

acoard 5y ago
> ~50% of married couple divorce That figure is outdated and I'd challenge what it represents. Here's more up to date info: >The most recent data we have from the 2019 American Community Survey puts the rate at 14.9 divorces per 1,000 marriages, the lowest number since 1970. [0] Further, the "50% of marriages end in divorce" is heavily skewed because it includes serial divorces/remarriages. If 5 couples marry for life, and one person goes through 5 spouses, then 50% of marriages end in divorce. But what you're really saying is that 80% of marriages are stable and 20% are unstable, not 50/50. Divorce, and re-marriage, also increase the chance of future divorce according to the Census Bureau[1]. [0] https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/what-is-divorce-rate-america/ https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/what-is-divorce-rate-ame... [1] https://legaljobs.io/blog/divorce-rate-in-america/ https://legaljobs.io/blog/divorce-rate-in-america/
- mensetmanusman 5y ago
  The increasing percentage of non-divorcing marriages might be self-selecting in a sense since it is now socially acceptable to never get married, so we miss out on ‘breakups’ that are long/medium term. (E.g. non-married couples sleeping together for 5 years and having no children and then having a horrible breakup is more likely today than 100 years ago, and they are lost in the divorce statistic).
  - williamtrask 5y ago
    Yeah but if there aren’t kids or financial assets intertwined and there wasn’t ever the expectation of “forever” it’s a very different thing.
    - Fire-Dragon-DoL 5y ago
      Isn't marriage by default (law-wise) forcing an assets-split? Going back to the original state would be fine, but that's not what usually happens from my understanding
  - Fire-Dragon-DoL 5y ago

vecinu 5y ago

> I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. Right, I can relate to this, especially because I never got closure on exactly why I wasn't worth fighting for or being given a heads up that I was doing something very wrong. > I know this is unsolicited advice, but for what it's worth take some time to figure out how and why you found yourself in the situation. I'm going to try and do that, I think reflecting back over the last decade, I definitely changed a lot and there were signs of some things not working but I always had this "you have to give it everything you've got" attitude and didn't want to give up. > I hope you find peace and happiness in the future. Thank you, I hope you do as well!